Starting over- We need this apartment

Hi my name is Brittney and I am many things. I am selfless. a friend, a mother, a hair stylist, a dreamer as well as someone who has struggled for a long while. Most people know me as a goofy, loud, roll with the punches kind of gal.

However, in September, the happy girl you see on the outside was falling apart on the inside.
I attempted suicide. 

The past year of my life has been nothing short of hell. Between issues with daughter and her medical conditions to my (once again) failing relationship, to some pretty serious health issues that were causing me never ending pain along with some crazy symptoms (psoriasis type patches around my eyes, migraines, back pain, joint pain, dystonia, right down to my hair falling out) I haven’t been able to catch a break.

A few months ago, I experienced a TIA and since then have been having worse symptoms than the ones I already had. 

I have recently learned that my body is riddled with a hidden infection; one that is making my body retaliate against me. It is likely that the infection is stemming from my breast implants due to a high amount of mold in my body. 

 

I can’t say that it was just one thing that made me snap and choose to give up. It was a culmination of many factors. I have struggled with severe, chronic depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I wish I was some sort of football player where I could share this experience and not be judged. But it’s ok if I am. Because this is my truth. 

 

My husband and son were coming home from a surf trip and I found a friend to pick up and babysit my daughter until the boys got home.

And then I swallowed a bottle of pills and cried a guttural cry as I wrote goodbye notes to my children. I called rescue informing them that there would be a body and to come get
me before my family came home. It was the lowest point of my whole life.  

 

In those moments, I felt like everyone (kids included) would be better off without me. I felt worthless. I felt unwanted;unloved. And while I know that some of those feelings were valid,  I risked never seeing those two precious children again. How could I have done such a thing? Depression is a bitch. It is such a real thing, although intangible. I hope no one ever goes through similar feelings. It is a bottom I cannot fathom revisiting. No one ever deserves to feel so low. And I can assure you the guilt following feels just as bad. 

 

I was in the hospital for 16 days. I had so much time to sit and just think about the mess that I had just created and that I needed some serious help.

 

I am currently staying with my sister, but need to officially start my life over with a new place. I’m unable to do this without the finances. My children are my world. And in order to have them in my life, I have to have stability. It is only fair for them-  they have done nothing to deserve the repercussions for the mistake that I made.

I have been in school this past year with the income of my husband, who is not willing to help me financially anymore after what I did.  I have been through so much grief. I just want the opportunity to start over. Completely. 

My faith, my car and my clothes are ALL THAT I HAVE because I allowed depression and sadness to overtake me and try and win. But they didn’t. So I have to do everything in my power to get back up and start over- I was lucky in the fact that I have an opportunity at a second chance.

I literally have weeks left of school. I am doing everything humanly possible to get back on my feet and be the best version of me. I started working in a salon part time and will have to assist until I have my actual certification in my hand in January.  And I will do it. I will do any and everything to right my wrongs. Everyone has always told me you can’t love anyone else if you don’t love yourself first. I thought it was a stupid saying, but here I am, realizing that it is absolutely true.

I have always put everyone’s needs before my own. I find so much joy in helping others, but never put the mask on myself first.

So now I am desperately asking for help. I am literally starting over from the ground up. Ive found an apartment close to my old house, but I need to put down a deposit and probably first and last months rent. I also need furniture. And of course, I also need to be able to pay for continuing treatment and therapy appointments. And it’s going to be a while before I start making the kind of money I need to in order to make those things happen. But they are all necessary. 

 

What I did was an impulsive, terrible thing to do. And I know most people won’t ever understand how you get to that point as a mother. But I promise in that moment, I truly felt like I was doing everyone a favor.

I don’t want to feel that way ever again. I want to be happy. I want to feel true joy again and not be a burden on anyone. I want my kids to have a good place to call theirs every other week and I want them to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me. I just need a little help getting there. To those that I have hurt over the past couple of weeks, I am truly sorry. I never meant to cause anyone pain. There’s already too much of that in the world. Love to you all from the bottom of my heart. Xoxo