As a lot of you may know, my name is Selina. I was pregnant with a beautiful baby boy named Riley. At 24 weeks my water broke. Not knowing why it happened, I was placed in the hospital until delivery. They wanted me to make it until 34 weeks. But that didn’t happen. On July 10 at 1 AM I started bleeding and Riley’s heart beat was not there. They rushed me into a cold room and put me right to sleep to perform emergency surgery. I went to sleep with the unknown. When I was waking up, I woke up in the intensive care unit on a ventilator. Despite the tubes down my throat the first thing I wrote on a piece of paper was if my beautiful baby boy made it. And he did. I severely bled during my surgery that placed me in the icu. I got my breathing tube out shortly after a day. I needed iron transfusions and I’m currently on shots for 6 months because I developed blood clots in my arms. When I was able to sit in a wheelchair I went upstairs to the NICU. The intensive care unit for babies. And there was laying my beautiful 1 pound 6 ounce baby boy. He was wiggling, waving his arms and legs and gripping on to mommy tight. He was on a breathing tube for a few hours and then was off of it almost breathing on his own. The nurses told me he was doing AMAZING. My husband and I visited Riley every single day almost half the day. Holding his little hand and talking about how cute he was and how much he looked just like his daddy. But in the back of my mind something was telling me it wasn’t ok. On July 15 I went up to the NICU to see how my little guy was. They put his breathing tube back in his airway because he was getting tired from breathing on his own. They said his vitals looked good and the tube was helping him get some extra breaths in. My husband said to me to get some lunch and we can come back to see him after. Something in my gut just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t stop crying but I tried to put those thoughts behind me. We get to the cafeteria and a NICU therapist that was helping me out came rushing over saying we needed to get to our little boy fast. The lump in my throat fell to my stomach and my whole body got hot. I knew this was it. This is what I was fearing. We get up there and there’s the whole NICU nurses trying to bring Riley back. Chest compressions, medicine, air. Anything. They were working on him for almost a half hour. And then he let go. The pain I’m feeling right now is pain I can’t describe. My husband and I held our lifeless baby for three hours crying uncontrollably and telling our son how much we loved him. I thought watching him slip away was hard but what was worse was having to give my son back knowing I will never see him, hold him or kiss him again. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to grow strong, come home with us, grow with his siblings and be my son forever. I came home to baby stuff everywhere. I came home to Riley’s belongings that I set up for him. Now not knowing what to do. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I feel like I can’t move on. I love this beautiful boy with all my heart and soul and would do absolutely ANYTHING to bring him back. We were both supposed to survive. Not just me. We were supposed to make it out together. I never do these gofund mes because I feel like I’m asking for something I shouldn’t be. I’m stuck trying to cremate my son and affording a beautiful urn for him to come home in. I also want to buy my family jewelry urns, especially my son who comprehends that he just lost his little brother. I want us to be able to bring Riley anywhere we want to. Please anything will help me right now to bring my Riley home. Anything. Even a share of the page. Rip my Riley Aaron. Mommy loves you so so god damn much.