I knew I didn't feel like a boy from 5 years old. It was a thought that took me a really long time to do anything about. Instead, I focused on almost anything else because it was painful and awkward to deal with. It felt ridiculous for that life to actually be possible, whereas there were so many other things I could do for myself.

I could get validation from being part of social groups. I could get better at playing sport. I could do well at school. I could build stuff in video games. Eventually, I realised that I was running from myself. That took a long time and definitely had its toll on multiple aspects of my life.

The impact of coming out was so positive and I tried to let that fuel my attitude to my future.

In the back of my mind, I always knew that I wanted surgery, but it wasn’t within my reach financially and I didn’t feel able to ask anyone for support. I focused on what I could control — I put lots of time into my career and financial literacy, into building relationships and into sport, thinking that now I was myself, these things were what I needed to do in order to live well.

But I’ve realised that I’ve been running again.

Gender dysphoria and making surgery decisions is exhausting because it keeps coming back, no matter how much I try to rationalise it away. Since puberty, I’ve felt deeply uncomfortable with parts of my body and with the masculine traits other people reflect back at me with their words and actions. Even now, although I’m living more fully as myself, there are still physical characteristics that make me deeply uncomfortable and remind me that I wasn’t able to transition sooner. The feeling I get is best described as 'sick', like something terrible has just happened — I think grief in a way.

I keep trying to convince myself I can live without gender-affirming care, but that feeling returns very quickly. Living in this loop is exhausting. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin and to see an external representation of how I feel internally. To see in the mirror who I know myself to be.

I’ve had a really great year on paper. I’ve taken part in a lot of advocacy and in the queer community more broadly. I’ve been really enjoying my job and the projects I get to work on. I’ve been doing my best to keep participating in football despite being banned by the FA, playing with Millwall Romans, Goal Diggers FC & Bayern Munchies. But I realised recently that all of these things, much like when I was closeted, still have a huge element of external validation that is nothing to do with my gender dysphoria. They matter to me, of course, but they're applying gauze to a wound that needs medicine. Now that I’m acknowledging what the problem really is, I am starting to no longer enjoy those things I’ve used to patch over the problem.

Over the last few years, I’ve learned to trade while freelancing and working a full-time job. I’ve done absolutely everything that I can. I am almost never doing nothing. I barely stop. But I’m extremely tired and ready to admit its manifesting in my life and it isn’t sustainable. I’ve cut back on my out of work responsibilities, which has helped, but the catch22 is that without support it means no surgery for a very long time.

It’s very hard for me to post this. I can’t tell you how desperately I wanted to be able to afford this care myself. Anyone who knows me will know I struggle to accept someone getting me so much as an uber, a speck next to asking everyone I know (and more) to help realise one of the biggest moments of my life. I don't think anyone should be embarrassed to ask for support in a country where trans care waitlists are a decade long and wealth disparity is so high, yet I do feel embarrassed. But I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I need to ask for help.

The surgery with a very reputable surgeon in France which I have researched and been recommended. I have some of the fee required, but I’m still quite short including making sure a friend can come to stay with me.

You might be reading this not understanding much about trans issues, all I can say is if you choose to donate, you’re helping me move much closer to feeling comfortable in myself. I am so vehemently sure of that and I am so grateful for you. Thank you. Truly.

Love,

Billie Sky

* I’ve set a final goal instead of the automated option so it’s clearer how close I we get. I am waiting for an adjusted quote to come back currently. Any donations past the goal will be used for my second and likely final procedure