Bren is unable to work steady at this time and Autumn, again will be off, right before the holidays. If you can help at all, it would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you everyone who has reached out in support. I’m admitted to Royal Oak. And this is my last stop. End of the rope. It’s been close to 17 years of this. I don’t want to keep putting myself through misery anymore. No one needs to watch my body fail me in all the ways it has.

If there is not a solution to help, I asked for removal of my GJ feeding tube. It is primarily used for medications, and I agreed if I have it removed that I would make an attempt to take medications orally. Ive done that before and it failed. If it fails again, I will be taking myself off of oral medcation because I won’t be able to crush them anymore. I hope the dots are being connected. They asked if I am open to a replacement of the GJ, and i agreed. If the replacement surgery doesnt contribute to some sort of relief, they have agreed and respect the decision of removal.

This isn’t me giving up, this is me having ran the same track. I’ve knocked down every door, I’ve flipped over every stone. This doesn’t come with lack of trying, it’s exhaustion. I’ve fought more than half of my life just to survive. My body is handing me every sign that the waters are getting choppy. While I’ve spent most of my life sick, I also spent most of it grossly optimistic. And mentally, I still am, but there’s also a point where I need to be realistic. TPN was a last ditch effort, and while I have no plans of stopping that, malnutrition and gastroparesis are only the tip of the iceberg in terms of my health. This isnt the life I wanted for myself. I know how this ends.

So, there’s the update. I’ve been very active on Facebook for decades, and if there’s any advice I can give to you guys it’s to listen to your body. I spent a few too many years acting as though I was okay. Obviously, I wasn’t, that goes without saying, but if I had advocated for myself then as hard as I do now, maybe shit would’ve looked different for me.

I want to thank everyone again who has reached out in support, and to everyone that read this fuckin novel. My mood is very bleak, but I am still me. I’m filled with so much love, and I don’t plan to stop being that way. For as heavy as all of this feels, there is an angle of relief knowing that I am doing these things on my terms.