On October 22, 2016, I was brutally raped out of my virginity in an on-campus hotel room at The Pennsylvania State University. As a freshman just transitioning into college, and most sexual assault victims, I was in a state of shock and fear after this. I did not report it and just pushed on with my studies and my new college life. This decision of mine quickly became a huge mistake as I fell into a huge depression(without even realizing) and suffered from PTSD with constant flashbacks throughout that entire first year. I had been robbed of my own body and my spirit in just a few moments. *I will be adding my story at the end. It goes into more detail about my assault if anyone would like to read that as well*
As a result, my GPA plummeted all the way down to a 1.5. I was drinking and partying the pain I was hiding away. I lost my scholarship, all of my financial aid, was constantly refused resources on campus, and had to pay my next semester out of pocket. Soon after my freshman year, I was academically suspended from the university for a full year. This set me back a lot more considering I had failed almost every class my first year and had to retake those credits already.
I have been at PSU for 5 years and have about 1 more year to go.
I have tried everything in my power to improve my GPA including every single on campus resource they provide, which I was refused due to my GPA(ironic). I have racked up over $80k in student loan debt and hope to receive some help through this GoFundMe and sharing my story.
I grew up with a single mom who did everything she could to ensure I had everything I needed my entire life, so being able to have some of these loans covered would mean the world to not only her but me as well.
I truly believe there is strength and immense power in sharing my story with the world. I suffer with this pain and memory of a time that was supposed to be fun and exciting as a new 18 year-old coming into a huge university, but wasn’t. It wasn’t a perfect journey and still isn’t, but I believe it was this trauma that helped me become the person I am today. The fighter. Over the past 3 years, I have become a lot more comfortable with sharing my story. I found comfort in knowing that just one post about my experience can change someone else’s life. I have connected with so many wonderful women throughout this journey and hope to some day touch a lot more people’s lives (specifically victims of abuse) through my story.
My degrees will be in Sociology and Spanish from The Pennsylvania State University and my goal is to obtain my TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) certificate and travel the world teaching English to children. I also hope to join the Peace Corps after a few years of teaching abroad. My purpose in the world has always been, and will always be, to help people through spreading love and knowledge.
DETAILED ASSAULT STORY.
I had been speaking to this man on facetime and through texts for around 3-4 months before it all happened. I had met him a few times before, but we never really got much time together because he was a football recruit.
On that specific day, it was the biggest game of the season: Ohio State v. PSU Whiteout Game. He had to be at the game for a while so we met up pretty early in the day, around 1pm where he was staying at the Nittany Lion Inn. I wasn’t so nervous because I knew his teammate/best friend was going to be there with us. We were going to watch a game together on tv and just hang out.
*not that it matters* but I was wearing my brand new Timbs(the icy grey ones), a winter coat, jeans, and a turtleneck. I was a virgin and still had never kissed a boy, nor been this close to one since I was a very dedicated student-athlete in high school. They were both aware of this.
While we were in the room, his teammate “conveniently” had something to do after about half an hour of me being there. I started to get nervous and he asked if he could kiss me, I said sure. We kissed. He then started to touch me on my body over my clothes and i started to feel uncomfortable so I asked him to stop. He stopped. He then began to get angry and picked me up off the bed (this man was 6’5 and an athlete...I’m 5’6), pulled my pants down and while I yelled to stop and tried pushing him away the entire time all I remember hearing was “if you just relax it won’t hurt.” I remember crying, feeling so weak and helpless.
Once he started to see massive amounts of blood, MASSIVE, he stopped and said “There, it’s popped now” referring to popping my cherry.
I was bleeding all over the room. All of my clothes were stained, my new shoes, his shoes, the sheets, everything. I ran to the bathroom and stained the entire toilet top and seat , I was in shock and a lot of fear. He came into the bathroom, fixed himself up and left me in the room alone to go to his game. I had bloody clothes and shoes and could barely walk. So I called a friend to uber me to her dorm and put on a pair of his shorts and had to walk out into the hotel like everything was fine because I was so scared of what could happen.
Something so sacred to me. And it was taken from me. In the span of 4 minutes.
I fell into a deep depression soon after and I could tell my body was in a state of shock for months. I saw myself as nothing more than a vagina for a man to enjoy. That’s all. I believed that for 2 years and lost all confidence, trust, and self-respect.
- Julian Ramos
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