Help Amari escape an abusive home and live

Okay, honestly I hate to be doing this but I can't keep living like this. My name is Amari. I'm a 19 yo black nonbinary lesbian from Chicago and I really really need to move out. I live with my siblings and mother and for as long as I remember have been subject to emotional/mental abuse, which only got worse when my mom found out I was queer. For a time, things got better but there would be moments when it got worse too. I would detail some instances of the abuse, but trauma holds me back out of fear of being caught by my family and degraded and belittled. College was my safe zone - I was able to live my life without my moms harsh criticism or aggressions, and everything was fine. I thought I could even build a relationship with my family.  But when the pandemic happened, i foolishly thought i could handle a few months back home. well, for a few months i could. but now im realizing that things are starting to build up. 

my family has no idea that im nonbinary and as much as I want to start taking testosterone ( to help with health issues as well as help my dysphoria) i know if I did it'd be opening myself up to a flurry of gaslighting and manipulation -- and possibly even violence.  so i have to deal with this. i have to deal with the bad dysphoria attacks in the secret of the night, i have to deal with the homophobia, i have to deal with the gaslighting, i have to deal with always being belittled and disrespected. my mental state isnt the best. it feels like i've been deteriorating into self loathing and depression and its happening fast. i cant keep living here. i can't keep doing this because i feel myself dying inside. everytime i try to establish agency for myself i'm called disrespectful and told that i'm selfish. im 19. i just want to be able to be myself. 

i'm literally posting this under an alias without pictures because im so afraid of being found out--i know it'll be hell and i will never live it down. i didnt even want to make this but i need something to hold on to so i know that there will be a better day. I'm asking for anything to help. i was hoping to move out in April so I could move by my school, but i think i might have to leave sooner. all of the money i raise is going straight to my savings for rent, furniture, food, etc. as soon as i have enough saved im out of here.  im not asking for a million dollars, just something to get me started.

thank you so much for reading, sharing, caring, and understanding. Thank you a million times over for donating. I'm sorry this is a mess--I'm a mess and I just want to be able to breathe easy for once.

Donations

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  • Anonymous 
    • $10 
    • 19 d
  • izzy lane 
    • $10 
    • 19 d
  • Bevibel Harvey 
    • $5 
    • 19 d
  • Shaniah Headley 
    • $10 
    • 20 d
  • Anonymous 
    • $10 
    • 20 d
See all

Organizer

Amari Johnson 
Organizer
Chicago, IL
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