Early last year I woke up in the morning, started to make tea, and slowly lost the ability to move or feel my right side and almost complely lost my ability to speak. I was only able to call a friend and say “help. Help”. repeatedly.

I was in the middle of a massive stroke and as the clot grew i completely lost the ability to read, write, and speak: global aphasia. It was terrifying. I have spent the past year trying to get back to where I was but I have deficits; cognitively I don’t feel the same, I sometimes struggle to construct basic words or sentences (thank god for voice to text). Numbers are the worst (remembering, repeating). If I am stressed or tired I can’t get the words out and stutter. There are parts of my right side that I still have little to no feeling, but despite this I am lucky. Many don’t survive the type of stroke I had but I did because I was able to get a clot buster.

I say all of this as background as it has been a tough year on top of a tough five. As many of you know, I am in end stage renal failure after losing a kidney to cancer and being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which has killed most of my remaining kidney.

I was in the process of getting listed for kidney transplant by performing routine health screenings when a mammogram showed a tumor in my left breast. Breast cancer on top of all the above…. Thankfully they have caught the tumor early but the type of cancer I have is aggressive. After surgery I will need chemo and radiation.

Post stroke I have been unable to work and have been living on less than $30k a year via social security. My credit is shot. I don’t even open bills any more because I can’t pay them. I am in constant stress and worry over finances (especially in this political climate I fear I will lose benefits). The idea of adding cancer on top of kidney failure and dialysis keeps me up at night.

No one can tell me if I will make it to the other side of this. 50% of dialysis patients die by year 5, usually due to a cardiovascular event. I am at year 4 and I have had two strokes. The cancer will delay possible transplant a minimum of 2 years post cancer treatment. That is some tough math.

i feel like this is akin to being on the side of the road with a sign. I’m embarrassed and sad things have some to this. I recognize so many are struggling, too but if you can help, please do. Share or send vibes, I welcome it all.