I’m sorry for asking for your help but I thank you so much for giving me the time. I’m so deep in the hole, struggling to even take care of myself or eat and even though I’m truly starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel the financial stress is keeping me far away from it.

The overwhelming pressures of being a Black trans woman and an immigrant in the Netherlands have finally caught up to me. Running away from my old home where I lived with my mom and escaping to Rotterdam to avoid the daily emotionally abuse and be able to transition. It went well at first, but over the span of the last 3 years doing so I realised that my various disorders and disabilities (currently getting diagnosed with BPD, already diagnosed with ADHD, autism, PTSD and god knows what else I’ll get diagnosed with soon) I’ve acclimated over the span of my pain ridden life have made it extremely difficult to stay afloat without asking for help.

I accept that my life will always have some amount of strife and so I try my hardest to fight for myself and others despite my hurdles. But I’ve reached the natural endpoint of this and everything got out of hand real quick. I’ve gone through a personal hell lately worsened by heartbreak, loss of connections and suicidal ideation and I’m shocked that I’m still even standing.

Due to a plethora of increased fees, mental health collapses from various factors out of my control, inability to get proper psychiatric help due to wait times in my country, and poor decisions I’ve lost total sight and control over my current financial situation, and lost a decent portion of my support network. I’ve been jobless due to my mental decline of the past two years and living off of government income, that I usually get around the 24th (which isn’t soon enough for my landlord)

I’ve only recently managed to get my power and heating back after it got shut off due to debt collectors forcibly showing up at my door with police for a missed payment from the electric and gas provider in my area. I have PTSD tied to a “swatting” that happened to me as a kid so this event brought all of that back, not to mwntion me having to crash on other people’s couch for the past while to escape the horrid cold in my apartment from the lack of heating in January’s winter. All of this has made sleeping nearly impossible because of it. I only tend to get around 2 hours now whenever I do manage to fall asleep. I understand now what it means to sleep with one eye open because I seem to automatically do so.

I realise I could’ve made many better decisions or asked for help earlier. But I’ve learned from my mistakes, am actively studying my mental afflictions and improving now to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes again.

This boost would let me pay off this months rent + deposit fees ( 220 + 450 = 670 ) that my new landlord is screaming at me to pay. It’d help me pay off smaller debt I have racked up of having to Klarna groceries last month (50+20) who’s also starting to yell at me.

Supplies that would make my life significantly better (such as kitchen equipment and cutlery, because I don’t even have a proper knife anymore to cut things with since the last one broke) and cleaning supplies. A bunch of my food also spoiled in my fridge because my power got cut off for 10+ days, so I suffered a huge loss in that regard. Not to mention that during my stay at my friend’s place during this, my chargers broke and I had to finance new ones. I also had to sleep in a hotel for one of the days, which cost me about 60 euro. This amount is a general estimate of all of that plus miscellaneous fees (phone bill, travel costs for the train, food for the weekend and week without) I estimate at around 150-200 with some luck and better savings.

I’m still trying to sort everything out. Sorry for the ambiguity. I am horrified at the thought of being out of a livable home again or being forced to move back in with my mom; especially since she lives very close to my brothers who do not support my transition and I am scared of hurting me. My sister, who I was close with and who offered support initially, has continually refused to offer any financial support or even let me stay at her place during all of this. My mom is generally supportive now but doesn’t have the financial means to help either.

I’m currently working on seeking help from government systems in place to aid me with managing my debts. I just need this help right now to get back on my feet and then I believe I can take care of things myself. I hate having to do this but I hope you have it in your heart to send any amount you deem possible, or share this around.

If more transparency is desired, please let me know and I’d happily give it. I am too unfamiliar with GoFundMe’s culture to get everything right the first time.

I have hope for a better life soon, but currently I still have been been stuck rotting in my own filth, unable to take care of my own house, and I feel close to withering away. This is my last resort.

I love you all and thank you for your time. And I am sorry for my public meltdowns as of late. I am trying my hardest to do better and better. I have trouble asking for help. I truly hate hate hate having to do this.

An addendum from me when I was writing to a friend about my feelings and difficulties around asking for help.

“ i wish.. i could explain to people that when i ask for help, i'm cutting deep into my soul to do so because my pride in proving everyone wrong that i can be more than what i was told to be, from 23 years of being shunned on the basis of my skin color alone in a environment so hostile against anyone who was different.

it hurts to come off as some begger who sees people and friends as transactional. it hurts to have my face associated with desperation and pain. it hurts, because i only ever wanted to inspire others and make them believe they can do it too, through me. i want to spread love. i have decided i do not want to fall into hate ever and i want to only show how love

i love people for so many things, not just what they can do for me .i just. i only resort to asking when i truly feel like i have no other choice. i hate coming off greedy. but I really am desperate. i will strive to make everyone’s help worth it. thank you.”