Help Me Escape Abuse. I never imagined going through this.

I am in domestic violence situation and exposing my identity could end badly for me. It's long, sorry in advance, but it's not even the half of it.

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I have been married for shy of 5 years. I came into the marriage with one child who’s a preteen now. My spouse and I were once in love or so I believed. Looking back he always was sensitive to receiving criticism but had no issues dishing it out. It came to a point of him snapping out more and more and being outright against hearing anything in anyway about how he could improve in the relationship. He wasn’t interested in spending time with me any longer. He only came to me when he needed that supportive wife and someone to laugh at his jokes or be a listening ear. He lived on/ for his phone and was bothered the moment I opened my mouth even if it was just calling his name to ask about his day.

I left once before because in one of his rage fits because it escalated and he put his hands on me unprovoked which was a big no no. However, he begged me to come back and promised me he would never do it again and blamed it on him being temporarily out of his mind due to recent events (he was going through a tough time and stood to lose several things very important to him). I NEVER should’ve returned. Things became worst for me and he baby trapped me a knowing I vehemently didn’t want anymore.

During pregnancy he was cruel and cold and told me he felt bad that he was that way towards me especially with me being pregnant and he knows I need more support but I don’t listen enough for him to budge and be there for me. (What he means is that I have to listen to him 110% of the time and anything he asks or tells me to do I have to do it without question or I’m masculine or combative even though I state my concerns about some of his ideas calmly and express genuine concern. Asking questions is why I’m considered combative.)

After birth I had a tubal ligation because he refused a vasectomy and I realized that if I don’t want anymore children I have to do what’s necessary for me instead of asking him to alter his bodily function after he expressed not wanting to do so. It wasn’t my place to push him to do something he didn’t want to.

The nurse told him and I that I needed to heal and rest without lifting anything heavier than the baby and to stay in the bed and don’t do a lot of things: because I had 2 procedures back to back: a caesarean and tubes tied. I was on paid maternity leave. I was breast feeding too so I was extremely thirsty and tired often. When I asked him for things like water or a meal while on bed rest he huffed and puffed and sometimes took hours to bring it to me and sometimes I didn’t get anything at all and I had to painfully go downstairs myself. After week four I was in a little less pain and managed to go down the steps with less discomfort so i sat in the living room with the baby to binge watch tv. Side note His young adult son was living with us temporarily at the time and cleaned nothing, he was actually a slob. My kitchen looked atrocious and at 4 weeks postpartum he said I had to help him with the dishes and kitchen because things was getting out out of control. (Help him was code word for do it for him.) I informed him very calmly that I would not be helping him because 6 weeks had not passed and I’m still on bed rest and healing. I informed him that his son could contribute since he’s been staying with us and it’s his living space too (he’d been with us about 2 months at this point). My spouse became irate . His face visible started to quiver in a rage and he yelled “you won’t help me,” twice. I calmly stated no I’m still on bed rest until 6 weeks but he could ask his son. He told me his son doesn’t live here and it’s the job of the members of the house who lived there to maintain it and to stop mentioning his son. He then said I’m not in bed now and grabbed the stuff around me (my blanket and phone) and forbade me from chilling in the living room since it’s not a bed and I can’t help him since I’m on bed rest then I need to be in bed.

Fast forward to I’m off maternity leave and my classes for the medical program for my Bachelor’s degree started. This has been a year in a half in the works because I had to take all of my pre-recs (I have a 2 yr degree in a different field so I had no sciences). School was planned, my baby wasn’t so by the time I got accepted and scheduled to start school while caring for a newborn, working at a high volume firm with over 100 cases and having to study a lot for my program I was spread thin and slipping in every area.

My husband told me I can’t do it all especially with the baby now because it’s too much. He said I should just get a part time job for my pocket change and that he will continue to pay all the bills (which he’s been doing for years since we’ve been married without my assistance), and to focus on the baby, the house and studying for school. To be clear I always worked full time for myself and my oldest child outside of him because of their extracurriculars and I have bills outside of the home (I.e. phone bill, previous school loan, etc) and to buy all of our necessities and toiletries for the house. I didn’t trust him based on his history of lying, but I just had to make a decision because I was wearing myself too thin and almost fainted while on my way home from school, I also was falling asleep at work and school and it was affecting my grades…not to mention he never got up at night to tend to the baby so I wasn’t sleeping at night either. I gave up my okay paying job, because I had to prioritize my baby and school.

(**side note bc this will be important for later on: monthssss before I left bc of the physical altercation he used my savings up to fund his dream that never took off, he also messed up my credit on the same dreams and now I’m about $20k in debt and I protested that I didn’t want to but to no avail he shamed me, said I wasn’t being a team player, that he provides for us so he wasn’t able to save and that I should invest in the family bc it’s going to profit us in the long run. He said it hurts him that I don’t trust him and don’t want to put him a position to better the family. He refused to replenish my savings or pay off the debt he accumulated in my name and yelled at me to get over it anytime I mention fixing what he damaged)

Shortly after I resigned he always complained that “you don’t do sh*t, you don’t contribute to sh*t and you’re lazy as sh*t.” Me being tired from working part time hours, breast feeding, taking care of our baby 96% of the time when we’re both home, 100% of time while he’s at work, maintaining the home via cooking and cleaning is just an excuse. I don’t clean to his standards because when he comes home from work he junkies up and I don’t clean up right after him although it was clean before he arrived. He eats all the food I cook, and sometimes ask for seconds then if there’s a disagreement that occurs a week later he’ll then tell me my food is nasty and that I can’t cook. Which is dishonest.

He tried to tell me that after I resigned from my okay paying job I am paying a bill in the house and will start to pay some rent because no one lives anywhere rent free and I’m becoming entitled (mind you I NEVER paid rent or house bills our entire marriage even when I was making an amount of money to be able to do so.) I put my foot down and told him absolutely not in any capacity and brought it to his attn what I just explained about never paying them when I could afford it so I’m not paying them now to be completely destitute bc that was the agreement and he knows my part time job doesn’t pay that much. He yelled and raged as always and I told him when he’s done I’m still not paying it and that I will leave him before I do so (I meant that, but I also have no means to leave now because I’m paying for my BS degree out of pocket and after that and essentials my check is nonexistent and I don’t have relatives I can stay with) he laughed at me. Told me that I was pathetic and couldn’t go anywhere because I had no savings and my credit was jacked up and who would take me in, a landlord definitely wouldn’t. He also, told me that if I refused to leave he would file a temporary Restraining Order and the sheriff would make me vacate the home bc his name is on the lease and he’ll keep the baby so they’re not in the streets like me and my oldest (it was at this point that I became completely done with him. I already was checking out but held out a little hope because I have a baby under one and didn’t want arranged time away from them, but I seeing how sinister he was to threaten to do that to my other child and that evil look in his eye told me he was serious.) I told him okay do what you have to but I’m not paying anything. One day later he came back and said he only won’t do that to me because of the baby. (I think he thought about all the baby duties he’d be putting on his lap including the cost of childcare while he’s working). I’ve considered letting him be the primary caregiver of the baby while me and my oldest go to a shelter if he decided to ever follow up on his initial word or scream in my face for me to leave again, until I’m done school but I quickly rethought that and cannot leave our baby full time with him. Sometimes when I’m off from work the diaper is beyond full, more than overnight worth like since I leave out the baby isn’t getting changed after I do it. There have been rashes I’ve showed him and texted him sometimes don’t forget to change the baby when I’m at work. I’m told to leave him alone and that he’s been a dad and knows what he’s doing. Sometimes the diaper is changed sometimes it isn’t. Also, most times if our baby cries he will make a bottle and tend to the baby if I’m absolutely unavailable (like in a Zoom meet or in the bathroom) but sometimes if he’s stuck in his phone and doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing he’ll yell at the baby to chill and cut it out, and stare very annoyed. The baby will get bigged eye and jump because his yelling startled them. When he’s done on the phone after a bit he’ll then make the bottle. (I’ll tell him that’s a baby and to relax but I get ignored). He does it sporadic too so I can’t capture it if ever needed be. And that’s with me doing most of it all, so I can’t imagine what the baby would endure as far as his mood and yelling if he had to do the bulk because I’m gone because he’d be beyond frustrated.

He’s trying to sabotage my schooling so I don’t get ahead and can support myself and my children. He told me recently that a man is going to keep searching until he finds the one if he’s not happy with his spouse/gf-although he said it “generally”. I believe but can’t confirm he has a lady on the side and that’s why he wanted me to start contributing so he can keep more money in his pocket to treat her, while keeping me stuck and needing him for everything but honestly idc as I’m not here to be inspector Gadget or solve the mystery like Scooby and the Gang. However, I believe this because he’s starting to be late on bills and one of our utilities got shut off for weeks recently.

My focus are my children and schooling. I’m mentally detached from him and don’t have love or hate for him. I’m completely indifferent to his existence. I’ve considered a shelter but I don’t want to traumatize my oldest or don’t know how that would work. I work 3 overnights per week so don’t know how that work schedule would work with holding my place. My sibling could watch my children for those 3 nights, but their home is too full for all 3 of us to impose on their family full time.

I need more income asap and a thorough exit plan for my exact situation if anyone could give me realistic recommendations/advice it would be beyond appreciated. I still have to watch my baby as he won’t pay for daycare because I should be watching her per the reason I stopped working my career job and he doesn’t mind overnight the 3 times weekly bc the baby is a bit older and sleeps through the night now, I also need time to study because this is an intensive course and I have clinical rotations too, so I feel literally stuck and I do feel pathetic for tying myself to a man like this and ever giving him access to me. Sometimes I just stop and stare off into the abyss, I can’t believe this is my life. I need to safely make an exit plan, but literally have no real money to save after I pay my tuition, because the rest goes towards our needs, food and wipes/ diapers.

School is literally all I have to secure my children’s future (I just started school a couple months ago and it’s a few years program all year around) and he’s making it difficult by arguing with me before exams/ class and not letting me use the car so I can’t get to my clinical but I refuse to miss it I just leave out an hour and fifteen minutes early to catch the bus there.

We agreed to leave each other alone because the tension is too high (and honestly we’re both over each other) unless we have to communicate. But he needs control so he is bothered that I don’t care for his affection or conversation anymore so he still nit picks from time to time with me or randomly blames my oldest for things they did not do and get mad when I tell him he’s incorrect and to stop falsely accusing them bc they didn’t do it. My nerves are on the edge literally (although I mainly ignore him): my left eyelid randomly twitches often and a couple times if felt as if my insides are about to quake or tremble, but I’ve had to pray and take deep breaths and that calms me before it gets to that point.

I didn’t even want to date him at first (I told him we’re better as friends as we have been) he literally begged me to be with him and I was much nicer back then in my 20s and didn’t want to hurt him so I agreed because he was nice back then.

I’m heart broken. Not because the relationship is over for all intents and purposes (there’s no returning from this-ever even though we share a home still) because I’m over that part. But because I ignored my gut, had another kid by trusting his word when I knew he wasn’t trust worthy, I always told myself and other women to have a stash of cash no one knows about but because I was too weak mentally I allowed myself to be bullied by this man to give it up and give him access to my credit and go against my EVERY instinct I had because of his domineering tendencies and out of fear. I should’ve NEVER came back after the physical assault. My life (mental health and livelihood) has been going downhill since then.

**update I was able to sign up for a program that will help me locate housing for my children and I. They will help with the move in costs, but I still am responsible to pay the monthly rent. I’m looking at some places now and am hopeful to be out soon.