MY TRANS JOURNEY SO FAR

Hello, my name is Hayley Beattie.(he/they) I am a seamster and I am raising funds to cover the cost of gender-affirming FTM Top Surgery (Mastectomy Bilateral, Nipple Graft + Liposuction to Chest).

GROWING UP TRANS

Even as a child I knew I wasn’t a girl. I always wanted to play football and to play with the boys - I was never into anything the girls were into in my school. I was into camping , football and being covered in mud. Always singing the male parts of songs and always in tracksuits. Another way was through customizable characters in video games where my first choice, when given one for gender, was always male. Being in a female-presenting body was confusing and damaging to my mental health as a child, and I never knew why I felt so uncomfortable all the time. Eventually I convinced myself to cut my bottom length hair off. All I had was a pair of scissors and a carrier bag. I hadn’t told anyone, I just posted my little black emo hair on facebook and that's how my mum found out… sorry mum.

(actual photo I posted - yes this is me)

Later on in life I dated someone who wasn’t very nice and he told me I wasn’t pretty with short hair/masc and so I forcibly feminised myself and was unhappy for a long time. I am very thankful that it is in my past and I can live as my true self.

Making friends was especially hard as a kid; between dealing with an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder and CPTSD (now diagnosed) and not truly feeling comfortable in my own skin, I never knew why I was so uncomfortable all the time. My closest friends were almost always boys, and this unfortunately became a huge issue in my life as they always seemed to have the wrong impression and some of those men had bad intentions.

My experience with being trans has been a long difficult journey. I think one of my key issues was just not having the words or understanding of what I was going through. Experiencing puberty and periods for example was difficult enough without the added confusion of dysphoria.

When I was around 12 years old I discovered the term "gender fluid". This felt like the right term for me at the time as I felt like my gender was, well, very fluid. Looking back, I think it was more that I was trying to accept myself as being trans before forcibly feminising myself as I did not want to face the reality; that I was trans. After a few years of putting my gender feelings on the backburner, around 16, I discovered the term "non-binary". At this time I went by the pronouns they/them. Only my very close friends respected this and used those pronouns for me. I knew of a few transgender people but wasn't very close to any that I was aware of.

Around 17 years old I realised I definitely wasn't a woman. I thought because I wasn't a woman that meant I was a man. I socially changed my name to Xavier and went by he/him. This was very difficult for me because even though I came out to my entire family (via large Facebook post mind you), cut my hair, wore binders, changed my name and pronouns; no one took me seriously. At the time a lot of people I knew online were figuring themselves and their gender out. The term "transtrender" started to surface, and it was something I was accused of. With this accusation and no one taking my name or pronouns seriously, I sort of stepped away from my identity as I felt very ashamed. Especially at this young age of trying to figure out who I am, this term and the online transphobia definitely didn't help. That and binders being extremely uncomfortable and expensive. As a poor kid I definitely could not afford a decent binder (around £30) and so a friend of mine bought me an £8 binder - a very kind gesture but not so great for my ribs as someone with a large chest. Something that made my dysphoria a lot worse. I often found comfort in binders, visually at least. But in the end, I had to be able to breathe. Because I stepped away from presenting as male, for years, I secretly and quietly identified as non binary.

Up until a year or two ago I started hyper feminising myself again - too scared to confront the thoughts in my head that I was not happy in my body. Making excuses to myself that it was just dysmorphia. I think If I knew that I was experiencing dysphoria as well as dysmorphia I wouldn't have put it off so long.

During this period of hyper feminisation, I was using makeup as an art form to express myself while hiding my trans shame. I started to make jokes that would suggest to the people around me that I was in fact male. This is when I learned the term 'egg' (a person who is either in denial or who has not realised that they are trans). I also discovered the term "trans masc nonbinary" through a friend online, who identified as such, which was something that fit me perfectly. Since then I have identified as transmasc and use the pronouns he/they.

WHY TOP SURGERY?

Top surgery is something I have always confidently known was something I wanted after starting my journey. Working in film and in adverts, I work fourteen to sixteen-hour days in my current chest binder. Chest binders are not supposed to be worn more than eight hours a day at the most. Especially since I have an F cup, I get extremely bruised ribs and often become breathless. Without my binder, I am dysphoric and miserable. I get backaches and pain in my shoulders are some of the effects of wearing it daily for such long hours. This, paired with the fact that I’m deeply uncomfortable in my body, is another prime reason I need surgery as soon as possible.

WHAT WILL THE FUNDS GO TOWARDS

For everything to work out without any outstanding fees, as funds will be needed for more than just the surgery. This gofundme will hopefully cover the cost of any added consultations or complications. There is also a three-month healing process, where I will not be able to work. On top of this, Gofundme also takes a percentage and that has been included in the total as well.

CONCLUSION

I have struggled with gender my entire life and have finally come to terms with the fact I am trans and am so excited to live as my true self. I have already paid for and had my consultation for top surgery where, thankfully, I was approved! Moving forwards however, I need to raise this huge chunk of money to pay for the surgery itself. If you have absolutely any money to spare, please consider donating.

I understand the cost of living crisis is affecting all of us right now and so even if you can't donate anything I would massively appreciate a share on social media to get this gofundme out there.

THANK YOU FOR READING

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, and please share to get the word out.

Have a wonderful rest of your day, can’t wait to share the results!