Ashley’s Mental Health Journey

If I have a chance to possibly change my life, I have to at least try.

I’m not special. There are thousands of stories like mine. But I am not afraid to ask for help, and I desperately need it.

My story began in childhood. I always knew there was something different about me. I felt things so so deeply, much more than others. I was artistic, creative, and extremely quiet to the point that everyone would joke that I was mute. This joke even continued to young adulthood. What I didn’t know then was that I had debilitating anxiety and depression.

As long as I can remember I’ve always been a sad girl. I had a great childhood, I had everything I could have wanted and more. I made a list of traumatic things that I believe affected me throughout the course of my life. There wasn’t anything specific early on to bring on this much internal pain, the only connection is that many things had to do with being bullied or hurt about my weight. I do believe I was born with anxiety and depression. I definitely have my reasons to be sad, but there are also times that I will just cry and have no reason as to what started it. Crying spells. Deep sadness and hopelessness. Helpless. If you’ve never experienced these feelings, first of all you are lucky, and second of all, it is so hard to explain how deep and agonizing depression can be if you never actually lived it and felt it. Excruciating internal pain. There’s a reason why there are so many suicides in the world. I am a hilarious person that makes people laugh, but my sadness and pain are so deep. You really never know what people can be going through.

Things I have thought include:

Why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake up?

I didn’t choose to be born. I didn’t sign up for this. I don’t want to be here. I am miserable.

What is it like to be normal?

Some people are just not cut out to do life and I am one of them.

If we put animals to sleep that are in pain why can’t we put people in pain to sleep?

It wasn’t until I was in college and met a dear friend who helped me realize that depression and anxiety were real things and that you could get help for them. With the assistance of my mother, I went to a bunch of appointments and finally got diagnosed at age 19. Dr. Chester told me that I was one of the worst cases of social anxiety he had seen in a long time. At this point in life, I was unable to hold a job due to anxiety. So while everyone else my age was working, I couldn’t, even though I just wanted to be normal. I could not make phone calls. I could not go to a drive thru. I could not go to a store alone. I could not pump my own gas. I could not go to a checkout counter. If I was in public or at a restaurant, I would have to have someone else speak for me. I was so afraid of speaking to people. And it wasn’t just having to deal with that, on top of it was the fear and judgement from the physical symptoms of turning red and shaking which I couldn’t control. I was put on a lot of different medications over the years. Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Propranolol, Buspar, Cymbalta, Effexor, Abilify, and Klonopin to name a few I recall. I found that I would just tell the doctor things were fine and I was doing better, though that wasn’t really the case. I was still sad and worried no matter what I took. Trying new meds and having to change doses and go to constant appointments was a lot, I figured that I was taking so many pills that they had to be doing something, even if it was just getting me out of bed. I mean I was taking handfuls of pills it had to be doing something right?

My 20s were chaotic. As I was getting older I realized that alcohol made me a different person, and I loved it. Alcohol made me outgoing and confident. Alcohol made me the girl I wanted to be. I partied my twenties away and of course now looking back I really kind of regret it. I used alcohol as a crutch and I lived for the weekends, to go out, meet boys, and dance. I was coping with my issues in the wrong ways. I had been to therapy, but I didn’t like it nor get anything out of it. I had done some behavioral therapy which was basically just forcing myself into the situations I was scared of. Over time I became more able to do daily tasks and things on my own. It took a lot of work to get to that point, but I was able to function - not without fear though. I was still scared and anxious. I still am to this day. I still rehearse phone calls in my head, I still hesitate before picking up a ringing phone or going somewhere alone, I still look up the layout of a store or if there’s a parking lot where I’m going, etc. There’s a lot of mental gymnastics involved with me needing to do any menial task.

All this to say, my main diagnoses are Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. But wait, there’s more.

I have a vivid memory of when my trichotillomania started. I was in third grade, and I had a purple composition notebook. This is when I started pulling my eyelashes out. Before I knew it I had pulled them all off the top lids and had been keeping them in the spine of my notebook. I wish I knew why I did this. But that is when it began. Since then, I have gone through so many periods of my life either with no eyelashes, no eyebrows, or neither. The trich was the start of my picking disorders which have expanded over time and are all part of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I now have trichotillomania (hair pulling), onychotillomania (nail/cuticle biting), dermatillomania (scalp picking), and rhinotillexomania (picking scabs in nose to create nosebleeds). So many weird things I know. But this is my reality.

Food for me has always been a comfort. I love food and I love the taste of food. There’s a specific family story that’s often told about me- the Ryan’s story. For years we have hysterically laughed at this story. So it goes.. We were eating at a Ryan’s buffet and they would just keep putting plates of macaroni in front of me and I just kept eating them. I think I was about 3 or 4 years old and sitting in a high chair. They said I just kept eating and eating until I threw up in the high chair. It was a funny story until I became an adult and realized I’ve been binge eating for that long. I have Binge Eating Disorder and I don’t really know what to say. I reward myself with food whether it’s for good or console myself with food if it’s for bad. There are times that I can eat until I’m physically sick and unable to move. There was a time that I woke up from my sleep with the taste of vomit in my mouth because I had eaten so much. The things I tell myself in my head only hurt me more. I feel so out of control and can’t stop. I’m not sure what feeling full really is I guess and I just keep going and going. If I have a good thing happen I want something good to eat, if I have a bad day I want to eat something good to feel better. It is a viscous cycle because then I hate myself for fueling my obesity and how huge I look. Then I want to eat more to feel better because I’m so sad but then hate myself again. It is hell. And it is all just connected. All the disorders are connected.

With my history, I had been at what I thought was rock bottom a time or twelve. But in 2018 is when I lost mother. My biggest advocate, fan, and supporter was gone forever. Cancer. The only good thing her death brought me was my job. I had gotten her ready for her funeral and I received so many compliments. I was told I should look into that line of work. I ended up becoming a licensed cosmetologist, and I now work in the same funeral home where I got my mother ready. I absolutely love what I get to do for grieving families. I know how much it means, to see your loved one for the last time, and for them to look like themselves just sleeping and at peace. I am so incredible at what I do. I feel fulfilled in my job. I wish the rest of my world could be just as fulfilling.

Living life without my mom has been unimaginable. I really can’t put into words how hard it has been on me. She helped me with everything. I have felt lost throughout life but nothing makes you feel more lost than life without your mom. She and I both loved Alice in Wonderland. I always felt a connection to Alice and the story. I often feel like Alice, wondering which way to go, up, down, this way, that way. But now I found a route I want to take. I’m going to try something new.

I am asking for financial donations in the hopes that ketamine therapy will help change my life for the better. I am hopeful that this experience will transform me. I had looked into this before but could not try it due to high cost, but I am ready to try now. I know that there will be opinions and judgements from others, but these people probably have never experienced half of what I have felt throughout my life. I do not just have regular depression and anxiety, I cannot just make myself get up and be happy or go outside for a walk. I am very mentally ill, and I would like to be able to experience relief, peace, and happiness. I am currently in a major depressive episode and those that know me know how bad it has been in recent months. I hate being in an episode because it is a completely hopeless feeling and it’s just like I’m spiraling and out of control. If you have it in your heart and have the means to do so, anything can help. I have completed my initial appointment and received the referral from my doctor. The last thing I need to do is get my finances in order and I will be able to schedule my treatment. I will complete six ketamine infusion sessions over a two week period, and each session will be $500. After that, the goal will be to see how long I can go before needing a booster. We will also be working to wean me off of my current medications. The doctor believes I am a good candidate for ketamine therapy and also offered to help me find a therapist that can work with me. (I have been so discouraged in my search for a therapist as well as the whole health care system and insurance but I won’t get into that.)

Just the THOUGHT that ketamine therapy can change my life brings me to tears. I have been miserable for so long, I cannot even imagine what life could be like on the other side of this.

“Ketamine targets different subsets of neurotransmitters in the brain than conventional SSRIs, so patients who haven’t found therapeutic effects with traditional antidepressants may have better luck with ketamine therapy.”

“Serious, treatment-resistant depression can rob people of hope for the future and hope that they will ever feel better. Ketamine can provide help and hope to patients who have not found relief with any other treatments. Given its efficacy in people considering suicide, it is plausible that ketamine may be lifesaving.”