My name is Amanda. I am 43. I have been an RN for 18 years. I have been a travel nurse for 11. I have been treated for 20 years unsuccessfully for my mental major depressive disorder, and anxiety have always been my diagnosis. I was able to give examples of hardships I had in my childhood quite frankly. I have shamed myself as a person for never being able to get life right. Other people at times have shamed me to or backed away. Most days I barely hang on, My survival instincts are tired. I think they have been going for a very long time. 43 Years to be exact. I am currently in the process of getting diagnosed now with Complex trauma syndrome. CPTSD. I am recalling the elements of my childhood and things are so much harder than they seemed or I ever let on. Even to myself. I am now finding a out that my mental health has been so much more severe than we ever thought or treated me for. My body and brain has done everything they can to keep me alive. I have been frozen in a weird emotional state for many years and I started stepping out of my mind during trauma as far back as I can remember. When I replay incidence in my life, i'm watching them happen to me not experiencing them. The problem is now Im remembering some of these things, with a full spectum of emotions and physical flashbacks. A few nights ago I stepped out of the shower and frozen terror and remained locked in that state physically. Unable to move while I call it a crisis line. And my heart that has been so numb for so long as to and so is my body. I tremble at absolutely nothing frozen in terror. It takes absolute concentration to keep my emotions from boiling it over. So I have stepped back as a nurse. As a traveler my terms of employment are short term despite working for the same company for many years. If i'm not working I lose my housing my insurance. But I don't have a house in a safe place to go and while i've made okay money , it's gone to my survival. My financial hardship started at eighteen with 67000 in medical bills, no college assistance. And it's hard to think that that can happen in this country, but it does. And it definitely did in my circumstance in 1997. I have never been able to figure out my life to get ahead just survive. My resources to fall back on are very limited. I've been a caregiver as a nurse for 18 years. But i've never been able to help myself. Now I really need a lot of help. I need to get to excellent doctors with excellent treatments for this condition. Work and be in a good environment to heal and learn how to take control of the things. I never learned how to do. So I can restruction my life. So that I can handle my money better than a twelve year old. So that I don't have to go to extremes to feel a sense of happy, despite my financial short comings. I need real and genuine help. Mental health is like battling a terminal cancer. Just because I have hair and can work sometimes does not mean that I am not fighting for my life every day. That I dont deserve the right treatments to help me survive and feel the everyday joys and emotions and put myself together to create meaning from all of this. I have fought this sickness for 43 years and am now Getting a sense of clarity. I have called in so much for so much long because I haven't felt capable of working that day. I've lost a lot of money due to missed time because of this. But if my head is not in the game , i'm not safe to be at work. I am stepping back from nursing right now. It's time to take care of myself. I would be reckless to continue trying to take care of patients in my current state of mind. If the patient got harmed as a result of a mistake because I tried to pull it together for work, I would never survive that. This has become immediately overwhelming to try and work through and being accountable. Mental health in healthcare workers is such a stigma. You are forced to hide it and keep going. I would like to put my foot back in the game somehow someday. Maybe not bedside which I have truly loved when I have been able to be in my body at present. But I need help with time off of work and time to pay for all my treatments and therapies in a very good placewhere people who were knowledgeable about this disorder can put me on the right path. I cannot settle for a system that doesn't understand what they're working with. I need the best of the best. I deserve that after this long, After a life of trying to help other people, 4 years ago I was working on my mental health pretty hard. I did CBT and was starting to improve, then a pandemic came and I set myself aside and the pandemic took priority. This is not pandemic trauma. This is about a girl who tried so hard to make something to have herself. But is never been able to get the help that was right. When the world broke out into crisis , I jumped in and continued to help and put myself on hold for worldwide. This isn't me all the other side. I have met a lot of people all this country in many different ways. Ive always tried to be open in transparent about my mental health. Many people have seen me struggle to keep going and not even know it. Not known how hard I was hanging on. So this is my ask now to society to please come back and help me. I see something beautiful on the other side of help and that's still involved helping people. Eventually I would like to create something bigger to help people whose circumstance is so twisted like myself. But I am the first priority and I need that help now. STAT. I deserve the best. I deserve to feel all my emotions and feel alive in my body and the present. I deserve to process my past in a place that is therapeutic and healing. Place that is not triggering. Place with the right help. Please consider helping me on my mental health journey. I cant continue to live thirteen weeks at a time many more. I have never been able to envision a future for myself or established goals. It's always get through the day.

I need the healthcare community to cherish me and protect me right now. I need society and people to hold my hand and ipull me through. I've gotten myself this far but I can't do anymore by myself. This is my plea, My cry for help.