girlwolf's leg surgery

It's me. Cindy.

 

This is just the last thing I ever wanted. But here I am.

 

As so many of you know, since I was 16 years old on the cross country and track team, I was diagnosed with an Osteochondroma on my femur in my hip joint. When I was diagnosed it was difficult for me to lift my leg to put my running shorts on in the locker room, or get out of my vehicle without lifting my leg with my hands. I continued to run anyway. I had no guidance. I was undiagnosed Bipolar, BPD and used running as a coping mechanism. Upon diagnosis, I was given orthotic inserts for my shoes and no other treatment. The issue was ignored.

 

I moved back to Los Angeles after graduating from NAU. I began to desperately seek treatment as the pain grew more agonizing and debilitating every year. I enrolled in Medi- Cal / LA Care. I begged for surgery in a landscape where initially Medi- Cal DENIED the very apparent in x ray and MRI evidence that my TUMOR EVEN EXISTED. The medical system did every tactic possible to deny, gaslight, and divert and treatment that would cause them to spend money on me.

 

It wasn't until 2019 that they couldn't deny me any longer. I'd jumped through every hoop and obstacle they threw at me with persistence I don't think many have. The system is one of the most compelling deterrence I have ever seen. It will break your spirits completely. I have been educated and strong willed and angry enough to persist. I was approved for surgery. They cut off the dagger like bone spike portion of my tumor. I recovered. But the problem was not completely addressed. The pain continued to worsen over the next few years.

 

Throughout all of this art has been my escape. Since I was 5 years old art became a coping mechanism. It has always been my way of creating a world I can stand to live in. Reality for me has always been extremely harsh. I've faced trials I'd rather not know. But through photography, poetry, and music I have been able to live a life I love and connect with people who I'd never dream. These individuals have given me a home when my family was not safe. For many years they have donated to keep my art afloat, and therefore me. Because it's not only physical pain I have to tolerate. It's complete mental anguish. I suffer with trauma that runs so deep that I cannot outrun it. I juggle various mental illnesses. I have been medicated with antipsychotics and mood stabilizers since I was 18. I took it upon myself to treat my psychiatric symptoms after I left home. I have struggled massively with suicidal ideation. I have been hospitalized against my will 3 times in the psych ward. BUT KNOWING THAT I TRULY AM NOT ALONE AND THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT UNDERSTAND AND BELIEVE IN ME HAS MADE MY LIFE WORTH LIVING. The same strangers that support my art have witnessed my struggle. They have always told me to create a go fund me or some sort to pay for my surgery. I instead persisted to fight insurance because I love these people that support me very much, and I would rather the institutions that oppress fund these inflated costs that my supporters. So I spent many extra years in pain waiting.

 

This year is the first time I found a way to pay for legitimate insurance with Kaiser Permanente. I am getting much better access to care ALTHOUGH it is still a fight. But the premium each month is around 500$ and the co pays are not at all low for all the tests I've needed. This has left me each month in a stress that is so difficult. I am struggling to pay for food for myself. I have been hiding it from family and friends. But I'm starting to lose the ability to hide it. I've borrowed money but it's increasing my stress because it's all gone and I now am in debt and need more for my basic needs.

 

After 5 months of having Kaiser the issue causing the pain in my leg is finally diagnosed. I have Piriformis Syndrome. A muscle that runs from my tailbone area to the top of my femur has become inflamed and damaged as a result of the tumor, irritating the sciatic nerve causing this unrelenting pain. The good news is THIS surgery is much easier than what we thought and can be done with cameras and I won't need to be fully opened up and I won't need to endure the bone saw once again! Just receiving this diagnosis has given me a new wave of hope.

 

I am very sad and even humiliated to be in the position I am in. I want nothing more than to be fully self sufficient. I have spent the last 8+ years of my life helping my great aunt through colon cancer, diabetes, stroke, dementia even with all my conditions. I helped her to have her wishes. She died in her home as I held her hand. I have spend my time caring for others even when I was in need myself.

 

It leaves me feeling like I don't matter. To be so depraved.

 

Now more than ever I want complete independence. I am reaching a point where I want to treat my leg and try my hand at gaining full time employment, despite my history of mental instability under stress. I'm almost at a place where I'm willing to give up art for stability. I have contributed unpaid 10+ years of my life to creating conversation and community in art but my basic needs are not met. I want to be accountable. I don't want to ask for help. I wanted to inspire. I wanted to invoke thought. I still do. But it's important to me never to have to be this desperate for help again. I feel I am on the cusp of actually turning my life around. I want that for myself and everyone around me. I'm not sure if that will mean quitting full time art, but I'm willing to do that. So if you're sick of me asking "donate to my art. buy my album. buy my merch" , I am too.

 

The amount that I'm asking for isn't even enough. I haven't even been presented with my surgery costs, but it will help me not struggle to meet my basic needs and go into an anxiety spiral so paralyzing that I have not been able to make much art. I need a breath. I need to get through this surgery/ recovery. I need to make the next step.

 

Don't help if you cannot afford it, but if you can, I am grateful.

I love you more than you know. I appreciate all the years you have given me purpose and a home.