My name is Victoria and I have been suffering the past 10 years with severe depression and anxiety. My suicidal thoughts consume most of my day, and I either cannot stand to be alive anymore or I do not wish to waste any more of my life in constant suffering. I want to live a proper life where I am not trapped by my depression and anxiety. I am here on GoFundMe to ask for assistance in raising money for me to get the treatment that I have not been able to afford to try and assist in my recovery. I will share some raw detail about my struggles, but they talk about suicide and self harm so please skip past if you need to.
I was first diagnosed with depression when I was about 19 years old. This year I will be 29. My journey started with just taking the pills that my GP prescribed me, and when my symptoms didn't improve, they changed the dose or tried new meds. I then saw several different psychologists over the next few years and tried different methods of CBT therapy. No doctors could find a "reason" for my onset of severe depression. Other than a divorce from my parents when they were young and yes some things that have given me paranoid thoughts, but I had no tragedy happen to me to suddenly bring it on.
Depression can feel different for some people, but my symptoms mostly include:
- constant fatigue and lack of energy
- difficulty concentrating
- low moods and losing interest in social life, hobbies, or general activities that bring enjoyment
- constant crying and feelings of grief, guilt, distrust, hopelessness, worthlessness
- self harm thoughts, suicidal thoughts
Anxiety would join in and feel like:
- paranoia
- obsessive habits like constantly repeating a behaviour
- excessive shaking, sweating, nervousness
- being so nervous you cannot be calmed down
- heart palpitations
- itchy sensations
- difficulty breathing or feeling like you are choking
- panic attacks or shut down
My life continued on a cycle of being so ill I would eventually have to resign from where I worked. I would not eat for weeks, only going out to get food for my cat, sleep all day, cry all day, self harm all day and eventually not be able to pay the rent so have to move back in with my mother and stepfather. I would try so hard to get well with diet, exercise, meds, therapy and meditation. I would then get on my feet, getting a job, getting into debt to get my own place, settling in at work, making friends, cruising along. Eventually after about 12 months I would notice little signs of my depression coming back with new confusing symptoms (welcome home anxiety)
At about 22 I was diagnosed with anxiety as well after experiencing several panic attacks. I was then put onto a heavy medication which I have been on for the past 6 years. Doctors have tried taking me off this medication to others but my withdrawal effects have been so severe we haven't been able to do it yet as no GP feels comfortable to do it, and they want me to see a psychiatrist which I have never been able to afford. Scans of my brain that I cannot afford. Other treatments or rehabilitation centres that I cannot afford. There is the possibility that I have a mental health disorder that means the anti depressants are actually doing me harm, and this needs to be investigated too (with cost)
SO, after continuing the cycle of therapy, trying new diets, trying to get healthy with exercise, cutting out gluten, cutting out dairy, cutting out meat, seeing a naturopath, seeing so many different psychologists I lost count, seeing spiritual advisors, yoga lessons, meditation classes, new jobs, new houses, new friends, having relationships with men, ending relationships with men...Well I guess this all just sounds like life right? Except my cycle would last 12 months and I would be continuously self harming when the onset of depression returned. I continued to binge drink to cope with my issues but to also give me feelings of happiness and europhria, as I was unaware of what happiness felt like when sober.
I have had many suicide attempts and hospital visits. I have declared financial bankruptcy and I wake up every morning and cry for usually a couple of hours and resist the urge to slice open every part of my body, just to distract from the emotional pain. Part of the emotional pain I feel is knowing that I cannot be free, I cannot suicide because friends and family won't let me, so I feel trapped here on this planet until I don't have anyone left that cares.
I know deep in my heart that I have amazing potential to live a healthy, fulfilling life and give so much back to the world. I am passionate about helping others through their mental health struggles and it gives me a great sense of purpose and helps me connect with others.
I have decided I need to get serious about my recovery. Just before Christmas this year, I became so ill I was 100% sure I would not survive until Christmas, and the thought of that scared me so much. Knowing that I was going to suicide and cause grief to everyone that knew me and loved me. Knowing that I would have ruined Christmas for everyone that knew me, forever. They would assosciate Christmas time with pain. How could I do that? But how could I handle the torture anymore?This year will mark a decade of feeling this way and if I am here on this earth, I want to make a difference and I want to get well. This is where I need to ask for help.
I resigned from a job I loved and was good at, moved home, then weeks later found out my mother needed life saving heart surgery. It has been about 8 weeks since her hospitalisation and my recovery time at my parents house has taken a turn, and has been more helping my mother to recover while I just try and hold myself together.
My mother is slowly getting better and has a new outlook on life. I want to make her proud. I don't want her to have to care for me in my ill health. I have been trying so hard to get well but hitting a wall financially. My family do not have any money to help me.
To see a psychiatrist, the initial consultation is $350 (that's for a "low range" or cheaper psychiatrist) Medicare gives you about $215 back. Follow up appointments will leave you about $80 out of pocket.
Then there are the meds or the supplements.
I also want to look into a rehabilitation clinic where you can stay for one month in a beautiful location and get life coaching, therapy, cooking classes, educational classes, yoga and meditation classes, a personal trainer, psychologists and psychiatrists. Of course, that is a long term goal as it costs around $6,000 which is a sum of money I can only ever dream of.
I just wish I could make my parents, my friends and other family members smile by them seeing me smile and feel genuine happiness for the first time in a long time. My suffering is their constant suffering. I also want to be proud of myself. I want to take the time I need to get mentally strong so I can care for myself, be proud of myself, be healthy, hold down a job that I love and not be afraid of leaving the house or afraid of harming myself or afraid that I won't survive another day being in constant agony.
I really appreciate you reading my story, visiting my page and considering helping me. Every dollar will go toward only care for my mental health. It will only be used on medical appointments, therapy appointments, medicine or self help classes.
I want to get well enough so I can eventually study and become a qualified counsellor myself. I have a gift for connecting and communicating with others and this will be my long term goal should I survive this nightmare.
I want my parents to live out their lives seeing me happy. I want to be happy. I don't want to feel like I am dying every single day. I will do whatever it takes to not give up.
Thank you for your compassion and caring
Vic
I was first diagnosed with depression when I was about 19 years old. This year I will be 29. My journey started with just taking the pills that my GP prescribed me, and when my symptoms didn't improve, they changed the dose or tried new meds. I then saw several different psychologists over the next few years and tried different methods of CBT therapy. No doctors could find a "reason" for my onset of severe depression. Other than a divorce from my parents when they were young and yes some things that have given me paranoid thoughts, but I had no tragedy happen to me to suddenly bring it on.
Depression can feel different for some people, but my symptoms mostly include:
- constant fatigue and lack of energy
- difficulty concentrating
- low moods and losing interest in social life, hobbies, or general activities that bring enjoyment
- constant crying and feelings of grief, guilt, distrust, hopelessness, worthlessness
- self harm thoughts, suicidal thoughts
Anxiety would join in and feel like:
- paranoia
- obsessive habits like constantly repeating a behaviour
- excessive shaking, sweating, nervousness
- being so nervous you cannot be calmed down
- heart palpitations
- itchy sensations
- difficulty breathing or feeling like you are choking
- panic attacks or shut down
My life continued on a cycle of being so ill I would eventually have to resign from where I worked. I would not eat for weeks, only going out to get food for my cat, sleep all day, cry all day, self harm all day and eventually not be able to pay the rent so have to move back in with my mother and stepfather. I would try so hard to get well with diet, exercise, meds, therapy and meditation. I would then get on my feet, getting a job, getting into debt to get my own place, settling in at work, making friends, cruising along. Eventually after about 12 months I would notice little signs of my depression coming back with new confusing symptoms (welcome home anxiety)
At about 22 I was diagnosed with anxiety as well after experiencing several panic attacks. I was then put onto a heavy medication which I have been on for the past 6 years. Doctors have tried taking me off this medication to others but my withdrawal effects have been so severe we haven't been able to do it yet as no GP feels comfortable to do it, and they want me to see a psychiatrist which I have never been able to afford. Scans of my brain that I cannot afford. Other treatments or rehabilitation centres that I cannot afford. There is the possibility that I have a mental health disorder that means the anti depressants are actually doing me harm, and this needs to be investigated too (with cost)
SO, after continuing the cycle of therapy, trying new diets, trying to get healthy with exercise, cutting out gluten, cutting out dairy, cutting out meat, seeing a naturopath, seeing so many different psychologists I lost count, seeing spiritual advisors, yoga lessons, meditation classes, new jobs, new houses, new friends, having relationships with men, ending relationships with men...Well I guess this all just sounds like life right? Except my cycle would last 12 months and I would be continuously self harming when the onset of depression returned. I continued to binge drink to cope with my issues but to also give me feelings of happiness and europhria, as I was unaware of what happiness felt like when sober.
I have had many suicide attempts and hospital visits. I have declared financial bankruptcy and I wake up every morning and cry for usually a couple of hours and resist the urge to slice open every part of my body, just to distract from the emotional pain. Part of the emotional pain I feel is knowing that I cannot be free, I cannot suicide because friends and family won't let me, so I feel trapped here on this planet until I don't have anyone left that cares.
I know deep in my heart that I have amazing potential to live a healthy, fulfilling life and give so much back to the world. I am passionate about helping others through their mental health struggles and it gives me a great sense of purpose and helps me connect with others.
I have decided I need to get serious about my recovery. Just before Christmas this year, I became so ill I was 100% sure I would not survive until Christmas, and the thought of that scared me so much. Knowing that I was going to suicide and cause grief to everyone that knew me and loved me. Knowing that I would have ruined Christmas for everyone that knew me, forever. They would assosciate Christmas time with pain. How could I do that? But how could I handle the torture anymore?This year will mark a decade of feeling this way and if I am here on this earth, I want to make a difference and I want to get well. This is where I need to ask for help.
I resigned from a job I loved and was good at, moved home, then weeks later found out my mother needed life saving heart surgery. It has been about 8 weeks since her hospitalisation and my recovery time at my parents house has taken a turn, and has been more helping my mother to recover while I just try and hold myself together.
My mother is slowly getting better and has a new outlook on life. I want to make her proud. I don't want her to have to care for me in my ill health. I have been trying so hard to get well but hitting a wall financially. My family do not have any money to help me.
To see a psychiatrist, the initial consultation is $350 (that's for a "low range" or cheaper psychiatrist) Medicare gives you about $215 back. Follow up appointments will leave you about $80 out of pocket.
Then there are the meds or the supplements.
I also want to look into a rehabilitation clinic where you can stay for one month in a beautiful location and get life coaching, therapy, cooking classes, educational classes, yoga and meditation classes, a personal trainer, psychologists and psychiatrists. Of course, that is a long term goal as it costs around $6,000 which is a sum of money I can only ever dream of.
I just wish I could make my parents, my friends and other family members smile by them seeing me smile and feel genuine happiness for the first time in a long time. My suffering is their constant suffering. I also want to be proud of myself. I want to take the time I need to get mentally strong so I can care for myself, be proud of myself, be healthy, hold down a job that I love and not be afraid of leaving the house or afraid of harming myself or afraid that I won't survive another day being in constant agony.
I really appreciate you reading my story, visiting my page and considering helping me. Every dollar will go toward only care for my mental health. It will only be used on medical appointments, therapy appointments, medicine or self help classes.
I want to get well enough so I can eventually study and become a qualified counsellor myself. I have a gift for connecting and communicating with others and this will be my long term goal should I survive this nightmare.
I want my parents to live out their lives seeing me happy. I want to be happy. I don't want to feel like I am dying every single day. I will do whatever it takes to not give up.
Thank you for your compassion and caring
Vic