Hi. I’m Tami Weiss. I’m a suicide widow and a domestic violence survivor, and I need your help.

December 31, 2016, I fled my home as my husband sat inside a circle of his guns, crying. Two days later, despite police intervention, he took his life.

I’ve been running ever since.

I’ve not been coping well since Brian’s suicide. I have been struggling to move forward, stuck with anxiety and depression and isolating myself more in my home and away from my friends. Unwilling to face the damage to my psyche, to acknowledge how badly I am hurting. Hiding from everyone, feeling like a screw up, and feeling ashamed because I hadn’t moved on and life spiraled out of control.

I’ve been dragged nearly kicking and screaming by a friend to a woman’s shelter to start getting mental health help, because I was frozen with anxiety and on the verge of a breakdown.

It was something I needed badly, and it’s let me see how badly my mental health was suffering and that I need to do something about it.

Brian and I shortly after we met.

-The Two Faces of Brian-

It’s not Brian’s suicide alone that has kept me from moving forward. I’ve had to come to terms with being a lifelong domestic violence survivor. First the abuse during my childhood at the hands of my alcoholic father. But then the abuse from Brian, something I had been reluctant to acknowledge in the face of mounting evidence. I had managed to marry an abusive alcoholic; just like my father was.

But I'm also traumatized by the events leading to Brian's death and how close I came to being a victim as well. 

The Brian most people saw was not the Brian I knew. He was abusive and controlling. He never hit me, but he didn’t need to; he just used anger and fear to control and cow me. And while he build me up to people outside the marriage, he tore me down inside of it.

I feared him for quite some time before his death. He had a drinking problem and as his mental health declined, his addiction moved to include other illicit substances. His anger got worse. He expressed violent thoughts, first jokes but then more serious. His relationship with his guns changed in such a way that I feared that too. I was afraid he’d hurt me, or he’d hurt others.

It was only after his death that my fears were vindicated when police found writings he left. The detective that investigated Brian’s suicide concluded he was not only a danger to himself, but others and was particularly fixated on me.

Had I not left that day he sat in his circle of guns; I likely would have been the victim of a murder suicide. But I knew it in my heart before the detective uttered those words. This moment, coming so close to my own death, has shaken me to my core.

The following video helped me to understand my own mind as a victim of domestic violence:

-Getting Stuck-

I had this misguided notion that I had to get over Brian’s death and rebuild a new life on my own. I learned growing up that asking for help was a weakness, that showing vulnerability was opening yourself up to harm. This is the legacy of childhood abuse.

I was able to keep up the facade of normalcy for a while. But as its crumbled and reality seeped in, I’ve withdrawn and isolated myself. I couldn’t bear to face people and say “no, I’m not okay”.

And I was in denial just how bad the trauma I had faced affected me - not only Brian’s death, but my own proximity and risk of dying, and acknowledging that I was a victim of abuse. I was left with crippling anxiety that kept me from some of the most simple day-to-day activities. Some days my anxiety holds me fast and I am unable to leave my home; a prisoner of my fear.

-Speaking Out-

This is the first time I’ve talked about a lot of this publicly. I didn’t want to speak ill of the dead, and I wanted to believe I could just move on without airing what seemed to me to be dirty laundry. The abuse was over, the danger had passed.

It’s coming out now, though, out of necessity. Because hiding this “secret” and keeping it to myself is part of what caused me to be stuck with anxiety and fear in the first place. I have to talk about this to tell the story of me to the world.

So it has to come out. I’ve driven myself into poverty and near insanity because I tried to keep his secret.


-I Can't Run Anymore-

I need your help so I can move forward.

I’ve exhausted any savings and I’m facing financial crisis, and I need your help to get out of this hole I’m in, and to rebuild a new life after Brian’s death.

Brian with me in Los Angeles in the spring of 2016

Paying for Brian’s funeral fell entirely on my shoulders. As did a sudden move. I had to maintain two residences for a little over a year. And what I couldn’t move myself, I hired people to help me move. The house was in pretty significant disrepair, which ended up requiring extensive work; that, and flooding right before the sale of the old house, so I walked away with very little from my house of 17 years.

I lost my job shortly after Brian’s death and have been out of work since. Aside from trying to just pay living expenses while out of work, I have tried my best to take care of Brian’s death and restarting life again on my own; all while depleting what savings I did have. I have some clarity now and am getting the mental health help I need, but I’m also in trouble because I am broke and can't pay rent or bills.

And I lack family support, which is so vital to surviving devastating circumstances like this. I genuinely worry because it does feel like the stakes are high and I’m in a precarious place. I could so easily fall down and not get back up again.

-I Need Your Help-

I thought I could do it on my own, but I see now what I need is help from my friends to get through this.

While I've applied for support from various social services to provide help both financially and emotionally, it takes time to establish those services and they only cover some basics. I'm unfortunately still in a position where I need financial help to re-establish stability in my life.

With your help, I can take this time to work with mental health professionals at the shelter and get the help I need to get my anxiety and depression under control, start on the road to dealing with the grief and trauma I’ve been stuck in, so I can get myself back to work and back to life again without the terror and fear that’s had a stranglehold on me  for so long.

Right now I’m facing a shortfall in paying my rent this month. I have a pile of urgent bills that are past due, services that are cut off or soon to be; internet, phone, car insurance, you name it. Fusedjaw is down due to non-payment. I’m out of some basic household items like paper towels, dish soap, laundry detergent, etc., and I’m close to out of many more essentials. I’d like to have a decent meal beyond what food stamps cover.

Some kind words from friends and colleagues about me, circa 2008

-The Goal-

I’m asking for $14,500. This is 4 months of living expenses, my past due bills, plus some upcoming medical expenses. It covers basics while I am getting professional help - paying rent, utilities, bills, household goods, gas, medications, essential pet care items, keeping the lights on at fusedjaw, and a couple urgent medical and dental issues.


-How You Can Help-

Money is my most immediate need. It keeps a roof over my head. I need to have financial stability so I can get the mental health help I need, and then get myself back into the real world, working again.

Many of you asked what you could do to help after Brian’s death. I didn’t know what to ask for or even how to ask. This is how you can help. I only recently realized that I can’t do this on my own, but I was wrong to think I had to. Which is why I’m reaching out to you, my friends and loved ones.

I need your help now. Please donate what you can.

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