Found Our Safe Haven Home, Help Us Get There!
Some of you know more than others and I know it runs the gamut from knowing the whole sordid story to not knowing any of it, so I’m going to summarize best I can, in grace, humility, and gratitude, putting all notion of embarrassment aside.
I have been embroiled in a long, overdue divorce namely because we could not reach agreement on ANY of the significant terms and the other party didn’t want to buy me out of the house, which is customary. It is the law but, rather than being amicable, he fought me FOR YEARS and for years I was a homeschooling mother that wasn’t in a position to pay for legal counsel nor was I willing to seek income-based assistance while he armed himself with the best lawyer money could find. Trust, I know how the system works and he often threatened to drop money on a lawyer if it ensured that I would be awarded less.
He even made multiple threats to “fight for full custody” and while I know there are no grounds for a judge to grant him full custody and give me none, it was an argument I’ve seen brought up and successfully used against other mothers and it wasn’t something I had the mental or emotional fortitude, much less financial means, to “fight,” should it come to that. Family Court and mediation can be hell. I am not sharing aspects of others’ stories here but it was hell when I was in the field of community social work and it is currently hell for some friends of mine currently living the nightmare.
Invisible abuse can be so tricky, one might not even recognize it as it's happening. Financial abuse was one of the most obvious obstacles I’ve faced, yet it was one of the things that required multiple people to bring to my attention because there were a lot of things I was willing to accept on account of being an “independent woman." He could spend freely, travel, and make lavish personal and business purchases even during times when my children and I were stuck at home because I didn't have gas in my car. It was my choice he would say, for I wanted to stay home with our children rather than “contribute to the household” and while I knew it wasn't fair, he was right. I would have rather gone without A LOT than stick my young children in daycare so I could earn $11/hr - and believe me, I tried. There was a period of time when I was working with behaviorally and developmentally challenged children as a "community social worker," earning exactly that much until I sunk into a year-long depression due to ongoing marital issues and dealing with my clients’ awful parents, teachers, and the foster system triggering my cPTSD, big time.
On that note, I still have not seen any bit of our tax return or the stimulus despite asking and him telling he would get a cashier’s check to me THREE TIMES. Last time I asked, he told me he wanted to wait until the divorce was final to divide those “assets.”
I also endured constant emotional abuse for ten+ years and it was confusing AF at first because I internalized a bunch of it and was subsequently battling chronic pain and autoimmune issues, trying to heal and improve my physical state so that I could “get a job” and get tf out, while also trying to remain as available to my small children as possible.
To say it was rough would be an understatement. If you know me, you know I have been working on my emotional toolset and mental health my entire life, and often joke that my degree in psychology was the only way that I, as a young single mom at the time, could receive the skills needed to best navigate healing from my childhood. Ironically, it was when I was working on that very education that I met a man who didn't believe in therapy or like to communicate and I would still end up marrying him. In the years since, my skills were definitely put to the test and I even got to acquire new ones!
I am entirely and eternally grateful for my supportive inner circle and amazing therapist, who has been with me since the beginning of the end. My support network was absolutely crucial as I worked to break free from the nightmare of having children with a narcissistic liar.
Over the years a few friends have suggested that I crowdsource and even offered to set up a campaign for me to help with legal fees, particularly because I have no immediate family I can turn to. I wasn’t ever really opposed to the idea but I was never thrilled about throwing thousands of dollars at an attorney – especially when I really wanted to get out first, for safety and peace of mind.
That said, I have secured a lawyer who will draft our divorce settlement paperwork and act as a mediator so we don’t have to wait for the county to assign us one, but I would like to be moved out before I formally have him served.
Now, the tough part: I am asking for help, strange and new as that might be, because, while I am still employed (bless) and have occasional freelance editing/writing gigs, my income has taken a significant blow and has been cut by about half due to The World Right Now. I’ve also had some unexpected expenses of the vehicular and legal nature. In addition to divorce-related court costs and securing a lawyer, I was hit by an uninsured motorist in May, which just proved to be a month of living hell, with some trauma or another being unleashed nearly every single day (but that’s another story…
Also, for months, my plan had been to accept an offer for a temporary place to stay, rent-free, and that was the trajectory I was on before I realized it was not going to afford me the most important things I needed to provide myself and my children with as I exited the marital home – for the second and last time - which was safe, nourishing space. To laugh, dance, and be merry. To make art and make books and make music. To just BE. To rest and to heal from the emotional scars of the last several years, nay, the entire marriage. And after a lifetime of moving (26 times, I think. Maybe more.) and The (re-traumatizing) Apartment Experience of 2016, I couldn’t settle for anything less than the perfect fit and I knew I would find it – even if that meant dodging a bunch of toxic and mismanaged energy within my living situation for the time being.
I can’t even tell you how many houses and apartments I’ve looked at in the last three years. Yes, even after traumatic apartment experience, sometimes I felt desperate enough to give apartment living another chance. Even though I really needed/wanted the space to adequately house myself, my children, and my creative work and I couldn’t fathom having to put my art and writing on further hold, at times, I considered it. Even as it seemed like an endless stream of dead ends and closed doors, I kept the faith that the right place would appear. “This or Better” became my motto as I got precisely clear on what I wanted and needed to best support, nourish, and nurture myself and my children on our healing journey.
Now, I have found that place! Through the grace and serendipity of loving community, in the part of my hometown that I feel the most connected to and with the best possible lessor I could have asked for. Like magic, this house aligns with absolutely everything on my list of non-negotiables. It has space for everything including PLENTY of yoga and dancing, inside and out! It is a mini ranch with the most perfect yard, surrounded by caring neighbors. I really could not have asked for anything better! I had put the word out to just two friends when I started my latest search and mentioned it to another who asked how things were going. A few days later she put me in touch with someone that had an absolute gem of a place, within budget – At last, I found safe and nourishing space that will provide everything I need to get back to my art and all the projects that have been on hold for three years. And did I mention it’s like a mini-farm? YOU GUYS. I can have chickens and sheep and even horses if I wanted to (which I mean, would be a very faraway possibility)…but...in the meantime I could get a PEACOCK as pest control and guard bird?! Also seasonally approrpiate, socially distanced Outdoor Art Parties, anyone? This home offers space for each and every dream ! ! !
After looking at so many places over the years and getting our hopes up a few times, I would love nothing more than to surprise my two younger boys who have been such troopers through all of this. They are such amazing, bright, and sensitive children and I would love to see their faces when I drive them to our new home and let them know this is it, this is our movement and yoga space, this is our music corner, these are your rooms! THIS is our home! *My oldest had the pleasure of seeing the house with me and meeting the owner, who I just already love so much! She never had kids so I might ask her to adopt me!
Now, if you’re still with me, I want to thank for you reading this. Seriously. Thank you for being here and if you feel called to share - Please Note: this campaign is private or only accessible to those with the link. I know that the link or screenshots could get back to other party but I can only trust in what will be and ask that if you share, you share with friend’s only. xo!
Below is a list of what I am asking and will be offering in return for the community love!
I am Asking:
Each and every contribution is so very appreciated and funds will be used for my deposit, utility set-up, and other moving expenses. It is also my hope to have the boys’ rooms set up before the “big move” but they need beds and dressers. I would also like a couch, though it’s not an immediate need because I have some living room alternatives in mind, too! Paint! A washer and dryer are a must and I may invest in a mini-fridge or consider purchasing a standard one as I’m not sure the furnished compact one will be adequate.
And You Receive:
My absolute and deepest thanks, no matter the amount, I will send you a personal thank you and if you give me your address I will even send you an actual thank you card in the mail. Can we save USPS this way?!
If you throw down $10 or more I will make sure you get a copy of my first chapbook which will be the first project in production post-move!
$20 or more and I will send you goodie pack of art supplies and other art related stuff from my personal collection!
$50 and up, I probably have a small original painting with your name on it!
$100 or more? Let’s talk custom commission one of a kind just for you piece of art once my NEW STUDIO OMG GASP is all set up? y/y!
xoxo!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
In gratitude and love,
valeri