FosterAdoption Story... Please Help Save Our Son!

Overview

Hi, my name is Holly, and I am raising money for emergent life-saving treatment for my adopted son, a victim of the foster system for 10 years. To protect his identity from his biological family, I will refer to him as DJ. Now please let me tell you about him and why he is in desperate need of help.

DJ entered the foster care system beginning at age 2 when his biological father was imprisoned for rape (two of DJ’s sisters). He was left to be raised by his biological mother who often reminded him that he was unwanted. During a recent therapy session, DJ disclosed a childhood memory of his mother telling him that she didn’t really want him: “She said she didn’t know why God gave him to her because it was a ‘girls club’” (referring to his four older biological sisters… and all of them among his primary abusers). He was forced to hop from home to home for 10 years before finding his forever home with us. While this is already a tragic beginning to DJ’s story, it is about to get much worse.

We all hear that children who grow up victims of physical and sexual abuse are more likely to harm others. Add to that the emotional trauma of being raised by a single mom who made it clear that they were unwanted, and the child has almost no chance to survive into adulthood without history repeating itself. DJ is literally a POSTER CHILD for this scenario, and now, sadly, that history has already happened. And all of the experts treating him have advised us of these likely outcomes:

Is there any hope? Yes, and now ALL of his treatment team agree that the answer is long-term residential treatment in a facility where staff is specially trained to deal with DJ’s specific diagnoses. Sadly for our son, they ALL also agree (finally) that he should have had this LONG ago. I will try to condense his story as much as possible, but I’ve included additional information and events if you want more details. Warning: it reads like a horror story…and it is.

The problem is simply this: Facilities that meet the required criteria are difficult to find and very expensive. I tried almost 2 years ago to get this done but hit a brick wall called the State of Missouri which refused to pay for any such treatment. As we could not personally afford it, we kept trying other things. Finally, we were worn down. Behaviors continued to worsen, people were getting hurt, Police and ER staff were often involved. And FINALLY, the State said ok, we will help, but you have to jump through many, many, many MORE hoops. And we did, and still are jumping (to date have been in contact with almost 100 facilities!). Time is running out, so my husband and I have had to take charge without the help of the State. Below are the details.

$31,000 payable immediately upon admission

Second payment of $31,500 is due 30 days later (after admission)

Final $31,500 is due 30 days from that date (plus any remaining account balance)

Pre-Admission Fee = $5,000 - the amount required to “Hold” a bed - we have already paid this from our personal household (bill-paying) monies

We were faced with a critical time-sensitive decision: they only had 2 available beds, one on May 8 and another on May 15. Nothing after that for months. As explained, DJ is a ticking time bomb. We love him, and yet feel helpless to rescue him. His reality consists of a series of nightmares due to the physical and sexual abuse he was forced to endure starting at a very tender age. This is DJ’s life, and it MUST change. Soon. The old “hope” fuel tank is running on empty for all of us, yet we are determined to find a way to pay for this life-saving treatment.

It is with great difficulty that my husband and I have come to you with this matter. We work hard and have always been financially responsible and secure. Now that we have finally found the exact program that he needs and a place that is saying “yes” (after hearing so many say “no”), we are frantically searching for solutions. It is with heavy hearts that we humble ourselves to ask for financial help. We are still trying to secure other options including another home mortgage, selling one of our vehicles, liquidating what little savings we have available, garage sales, etc. DJ needs a miracle. Following you can read the rest of his tragic story if you feel compelled to learn more about what happened to this innocent victim of society and the State politics that promised to protect him and failed. If you are unable to help him, we understand and sincerely appreciate your time and consideration. If, however, you feel moved to help our son break this tragic cycle and re-write his story, we thank you with hearts full of love. Please pray for us. May God bless you and yours.

-Holly and family

For additional ways to support our family please contact Eric or me.

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The Whole Story

DJ entered the foster system at age 2 - his biological father had just been incarcerated (raped 1 or more of DJ’s siblings). Thus DJ was forced to hop from home to home for 10 years. Then at age 12, he arrived where he was always meant to be, our home. We were newbie foster parents, he was only our second placement. Yet we just knew this would work the moment we saw our first picture of him. He was looking for a “forever home”, and we immediately felt he was the child God had sent for us to love. We agreed to foster him knowing at initial placement that adoption was the goal of all.

Over time, DJ shared past memories – experiences anyone would describe as a horror movie. The unimaginable volume, degree, and variety of abuse (physical and mental) this child endured, doesn't seem possible. Yet he lived it, over and over, for 10 YEARS!

These horrific events left countless wounds – some physically tangible. But the ones that hurt him most are the less visible, emotional scars so deep that merely hearing them invokes tears. It is no wonder that this young boy struggles to talk about those incidents of devious manipulation and sexual perversion that are now his daily nightmares. On the rare occasions when he brings up his past, I am always moved to tears, and the constant torture of wondering WHY we weren’t able to find him sooner.

Soon after he moved in, we observed behaviors suggesting a very troubled past and his inability to effectively cope. We immediately started him in therapy hoping to give him the “tools” to overcome and move on. We were beginning to glimpse the damage that had been done. We reached out to MANY experts and treatment modalities hoping that something somewhere would produce a pathway for healing. Treatment examples:

His chiropractic treatments continue, but sometimes less often due to football. DJ loves sports but has been unable to “stick with” anything, except football. His coaches have been able to develop his natural abilities and thus build his confidence. They also stress and promote the “team” concept. This has had a visibly positive impact on him, and as parents, we have totally supported his involvement in this sport.

I have spent a great deal of my nursing career as a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse. I no longer work directly with patients but still interact in a clinical setting as I am now a Professor of Nursing. People who have never engaged in therapy might not realize how hard it is to find that perfect “fit” between therapist and patient. We tried several therapists and counselors, but just couldn’t make that perfect connection. As a nurse and his mother, it was heartbreaking to watch him suffer while we struggled with what to do next.

His providers seemed to be doing their best, but it wasn’t working. And unfortunately, the unimaginable happened. Overcome by his past, DJ ended up hurting another very young child. Our lives became a whirlwind of law enforcement, juvenile officers and lawyers, and a new sense of URGENCY to find psychological intervention. The trauma left all of us feeling the ground crumbling beneath us. Now my husband and I both required individual therapy and eventually had to start marriage counseling along with family therapy. (Finally, something that was covered under my insurance.)

We began to see substantial changes – that sweet, loving boy that had come to us was slowly disappearing, though we were doing everything we could to hang on. His anger turned into violence, physical damage to our house, and personal injuries. Even as he lashed out, we knew he loved us; he just didn’t know what else to do. The violence quickly became targeted at me, the “mom”. In recent therapy, he revealed that his biological mother told him she didn’t really want him, and “didn’t know why God gave him to her, because it was a ‘girls club’” (a reference to his four older biological sisters, all of them among his primary abusers).

We never imagined life could look like this. Conflicts now occur often, and many warrant calling the Police. My mental health background has facilitated positive outcomes each time as I knew to request a CIT officer (Crisis Intervention Training). They are usually able to talk DJ down from a violent rage. But, the last incident required that DJ be taken to the hospital where an evaluation was conducted to determine if he should return home. Now concern started shifting from just DJ to the questionable safety for us his parents, especially me as I am half his size. After lengthy consideration, the hospital decided to send him home with us for one reason: he was not ‘actively’ suicidal or homicidal. Therefore he was discharged with more brochures about coping strategies. Clearly, he will need to actually attempt suicide or homicide to receive additional help.

The two incidents leading up to this last one were severe enough to prompt DJ’s entire medical team to 1) insist that we call Police instead of trying to de-escalate violent situations, and 2) start looking for possible residential placement. Our son is hurting beyond imagination, and now we are told to have him arrested. Difficult, even knowing it was the safest solution for ALL of us. But we did as asked when it happened. Two officers and an ambulance arrived (along with an additional $1200 bill we have to find a way to pay). Following that last incident, the entire team finally advised that residential treatment was no longer recommended, it was now urgent!

About 1-½ years ago, as we watched DJ’s anger and violence escalating, I started searching for residential treatment. I actually found a few ‘really’ good facilities that met all the needed criteria, but the cost was astronomical – around $100,000 for periods of 8 to 18 months. I reached out to our adoption subsidy worker but was told that the state would not help with payment for any out-of-state facility until I had exhausted all possible options within the state. I was told to make sure that I had thorough documentation to warrant a request for funding out of state, and was sent on my way. The search continued but with no financial solutions. We held our breaths and prayed for strength to help our son.

Upon his initial arrival in our home, DJ thoroughly enjoyed our family’s religious activities. Then three years ago a miracle occurred when our next-door neighbors, a young woman and her husband (I’ll call him Jason), moved in. Jason invited DJ to attend a Youth Wednesday night worship study, and DJ was thrilled. Jason, along with another neighborhood guy of the same age (I’ll call him Nick), are both involved with the Youth Group, and both have been extremely positive influences on our son. When my husband is at work, I have leaned on both to help intervene with DJ so that I did not have to call the police. They have been a Godsend to us.

Nick brought something else to offer the relationship that we never could have imagined: a history of his own emotional struggles with a parent, particularly in his teen years. He shared with us these details that now helped him identify with DJ, and Nick continues to offer us assistance. He has helped DJ study for exams, work on school projects, study scripture, and practice his carpentry skills (a line of work DJ wants to pursue following school…he reminded me the other day that Jesus was a carpenter just like he wants to be!). DJ seems determined to NOT disappoint these guys, and we are grateful for their mentorship.

My mother and I began searching the web for facilities in Missouri, and we compiled a decent spreadsheet of facilities and admission details. Several we really liked, some were Faith-based programs. DJ actually told me the other day that he wanted to work as a youth pastor, just like Jason and Nick; my heart swelled with hope. In response to our continued facility search, the state said No. (I can’t help but wonder if it was because they were faith-based.)

DJ’s relationship with Nick and Jason is such a blessing, but sadly not enough to ensure safety in our home. His traumatic past continues a pull on him that he can’t break. Even with the wonders of our new treatment team that came together about 3 months ago, we are losing ground, too little, too late. A new psychiatrist, a new caseworker, and a new therapist/specialist. If ever there was a team that could get through to DJ, this was it. I only wish he had them years earlier. And now ALL are in agreement–DJ must have IMMEDIATE residential treatment with specialized and focused therapy. His current therapist is doing things with him that I honestly believed impossible. He talks with DJ about the light that lives within him, a young man trapped by all the trauma of his past. He sees DJ eventually having a significant impact on the lives of others. But first, he must break free from his chains. Progress? Yes, but not enough to keep up with his current spiral into darkness.

Our home is not one of peace. My husband and I sleep with a locked bedroom door. We have been advised that our son can no longer be left alone with animals in the home as he could potentially harm our pets. We had to remove his bedroom door to prevent (continued) self-harming actions that were putting his life in imminent danger. There is concern that his refusal to acknowledge these behaviors could in fact lead to his death, or make the current circumstances even more dangerous to himself and others. All professionals have made it clear to us that without immediate “intensive” (and specialized) treatment, DJ runs the risk of ending up in jail, hurting himself or others (again), or perhaps even killing himself. We cannot let this happen.

To date: About 4 weeks ago, I found myself AGAIN approaching the Adoption Subsidy Worker for another attempt at finding a facility to help our son. I called, and I called and left messages, they went unanswered. Knowing time was running out, I went to the local Children’s Division and demanded to see the worker who did not return calls. The staff there informed me that she was in fact still working there, but no longer in Adoption Subsidy. (Note: She couldn’t even come out to tell me herself.) I was told that our case was transferred to another Adoption Subsidy worker that was covering two counties including ours.

Unlike the first Adoption Subsidy worker, this woman promptly returned my call and is currently working with us to seek help. Right away, she called a meeting with her supervisor, a representative from Show Me Healthy Kids, and me. I was asked to share our current situation with those in attendance for the purpose of affirming that DJ needed immediate placement at a residential facility. After hearing about our daily struggles in our home, they all agreed that IMMEDIATE residential treatment was the course of action that should be taken. They explained what steps I would need to take to have the state approve a facility for his treatment, essentially calling EVERY FACILITY IN MISSOURI (first).

I informed the group that I had already started looking at facilities that specialized in the mental illnesses that affect DJ. There were many out-of-state that were ideal, but nothing equivalent in Missouri. I located a list of MO facilities online and had already started calling them.

This list had a total of 96 facilities on it. The Adoption Subsidy worker was going to offer me that list, but I informed her I was already working on it. They advised me to keep detailed notes during my search. I can confidently say that I feel like we did what was asked regarding this request. I believe the Excel document we gave them (with the notes section minimized) totaled around 19-20 pages. We provided facility names, addresses, phone numbers/emails, contact names, websites if the facility accepted boys/girls or both, how many beds, accreditation status, and (most importantly) detailed notes of our communication with the different facilities. We also included the facility responses when DJ was not acceptable for admission, along with a quick reference as to why they made their decisions.

There were a handful of facilities that we could immediately eliminate because they were inappropriate for one reason or another. Some were just for girls, some were for younger kids, others for mothers and toddlers, and some specifically for homeless children. That left a lot of grunt work for us to complete, but we accepted the challenge. We worked our way through the massive list with the help of family. At this point, the search had become a full-time job. No one can imagine how frustrating it was to call almost 100 facilities KNOWING THEY WERE GOING TO SAY “NO”! (Including some that over a year ago had originally said “YES”.) A waste of time? Yes. Classic State of Missouri at work. And all the while, DJ is declining, now we’re getting reports of behavior problems at school.

Working in the mental health field came in handy here because I knew what to look for in facility research, and how to spot red flags. I was able to eliminate another handful of facilities that I was familiar with – it was my professional belief along with my personal belief that the facility was not appropriate for my son. My husband who works as a Firefighter/Paramedic was in complete agreement. When I reported my concerns to Adoption Subsidy, I was instructed to call these places anyway. We did. They said NO. Yes, folks, this is how the State of Missouri rolls…another waste of time.

Having exhausted all options in Missouri, I finally located a facility in a neighboring state (no name due to privacy). It is a Christian-based program with a strong focus on the family unit in therapy. It checked all of the boxes and then some. We watched multiple videos – the individual who started the facility, parents of children who had “graduated”, and even from the kids who had once been admitted there. Almost all were heartwarming, moving, and encouraging.

We finished after a month of tedious phone calls, emails, and completing/submitting applications. Only one in Missouri said yes. The other places felt DJ was not appropriate for their facility (due to violent behavior and sexual deviancy). The one that said yes raised some red flags from the very start – they did so without an application. They contacted my husband (he was on “residential-research duty” that day because I had to work) and the representative was very curt and even pushy about us needing to fill out an application and send some additional paperwork. Yes, you read that right, they accepted him without us even filling out an application. Red Flag #1. This was very strange and really made us start to wonder why they would have done that. We started looking into the facility deeper.

As a nurse, we are taught to “trust our gut”. Research revealed frightening history, and we simply could not send DJ there. Since they were the only facility in Missouri to say yes, we were going to have to provide really good evidence as to why we were saying no.

So we continued….Their website was Red Flag #2. There was essentially no information. No specific treatment program or philosophy. “Treatment Methods” only described the patient population of the 4 different homes, nothing about therapeutic interventions. No “warm fuzzy” photos, or what days look like there. The pictures were all commercial stock photos. Wow, just wow.

Again, we continued…. Red Flag #3 was some photos of the physical structures we found online. My husband described it best when he said it looked like a “run down BINGO hall” that had been converted to a school. One building looked like a warehouse. Where were the pictures of the bedrooms, therapy settings, campus, and patients???

We continued…. There were multiple sources that talked about an incident in 2017 when a child was assaulted by a staff member. A report described a second staff member kicking the child in the head after they went down (possibly unconscious per the article) from multiple blows from the first staff member. There was a video of this assault that appeared on social media, and this is what prompted an investigation. One of the articles talks about hearing people in the background, for all intents and purposes, goading the actions of the first employee. The first employee was eventually charged with one count of child abuse and one count of first-degree assault. Yep, folks, that’s RED FLAG #4! Just in case you want to read about the actual incident here is one of the articles that reports the event: Videotaped Beating at a Group Home.

Still, we continued…. Red Flag #5 – facility “reviews”, the majority are from staff saying how great it was to work there. The few comments from actual patients’ families were alarming and warned people not to take their children there. We repeatedly found the same trend no matter where our search took us.

I told my husband, “I’ve had enough.” I contacted our Adoption Subsidy worker to let her know that we had finally found an out-of-state facility for our son. At this point, we had spent over a month on research…even doing the state’s job by reporting facility abuse from their own “recommended” list. I’m exhausted. DJ is now a ticking time bomb.

When I contacted her, she asked about my concerns with that single facility in Missouri. After I explained, she expressed agreement. She then asked me to send her all our documentation to “prove” we had exhausted all our Missouri options.

As I gathered everything to submit electronically, we noticed an incoming email from her approving DJ for treatment at this SAME red-flag facility in Missouri just discussed, and confirmed a May 1st admission. And then soon after that, our the insurance company called to say they also approved coverage for May 1st admission. What??? We NEVER authorized this! What ensued was a back-and-forth between us and the facility staff (rude and pushy), resulting in unproductive options for DJ. We were stunned, not understanding. So now I’m angry AND exhausted. I prepared a very direct response to Adoption Subsidy, pointing out multiple times in DJ’s life when the State of MO failed the child they were tasked with and PAID TO PROTECT. I begged them to please FINALLY do the right thing. The subsidy worker eventually responded:

You now need to phone the rest of the list…. As stated, we called them all. We did. They said No. Of course.

Another waste of time? Yes, unless the state is now STALLING…. Hmmm. Meanwhile, DJ is still a ticking time bomb. Obviously the state’s idea of “IMMEDIATE TREATMENT” is not the same as ours! tick - tock - tick - tock…..

The Faith-based facility in a neighboring state has accepted DJ and sent us options to explore for additional financial aid. They assured us that they would be there for us every step of the way. We set a possible admission date of May 8th, but as we tried to make that happen, we were forced to shoot for May 15th. After that? Nothing available. DJ loses. Again. That’s where we find ourselves today. (Cost described in the overview.)

If you have read this far, I can only say a heartfelt thank you. If you are so moved to help us with anything at all, mere words cannot begin to express our love and appreciation. With no more to say, may God Bless you, and thank you for your time and caring thoughts.

-Holly and family