• JUST TAKE THE TIME AN Really open your mind how this is a reality Ive had the opportunity to suffer an take on WARNING I USE BAD LANGUAGE AN SARCASM BUT INTENTIONS ARE FOR THE EMOTION EXPRESSION IT HELPS EMPISIZE.. ALSO MY GRAMMER IS THE WABSTER WAY NOT WEBSTER WAY LOL BUT I'M SURE Y'ALL CAN READ IT THRU UNDERSTAND IT INNA WAY SOMETHING YOU TRULY CANt UNDERSTAND OR EXPERIENCE Unless you really been in the system an left all alone an really noone could really have cared wether I was dead or even existed really tbh but yuppp.. IVE LEFT plenty OUT BECAUSE I CAN ONLY WRITE SO MUCH AN DON'T WANNA MAKE PPL FEEL LIKE I'M BEING OVER DRAMATIC OR SOUNDS LIKE I'M LYING or full of the shit ya know because ppl do lie to kick it an really make shit up but I promise everything I say is real with proof, nif YOU WANT PROOF LOOK IN THE PICTURES YOU'LL SEE LITTLE BIT OF IT YOU WANT MORE PROOF JUST ASK ME I'LL FIND A WAY TO GIVE IT TO YOU ANYWY I CAN JUST MESSAGE ME OR COMMENT . IF YOU COULD ACTUALLY CARE I'M ASKING JUST ONE DOLLAR POCKET CHANGE FROM 90000ISH PPL ONE DOLLAR OF YOUR LIFE FOR ME TO HAVE ONE AN IF YOU CAN'T MAYBE SHARE THIS WITH PPL THAT POSSIBLY COULD.. US FOSTER CARE SURVIVORS ARE IGNORED AN WE DON'T GET THE HELP AN RECOGNITION THAT WE DESERVE AND NEED AFTER AN DURING, WE ARE JUST LEFT ALONE AGIAN FORGOTTEN LOST AND WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SURVIVE OUT HERE AFTER HAVING TO SURVIVE ALL THAT SHITY SHIT WE DON'T GET PUT ON THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW OR OPRAH OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT MAYBE A SAD FOSTER CARE COMMERCIAL LIKE YOU SEE FOR THE ANIMALS LATE NIGHT AD COMMERCIAS SMH LOL.. WE'RE BASICALLY INVISIBLE THO IT SEEMS,..... THERE'S NO SONGS BUT MAYBE ONE I KNOW OF AND THAT'S TEMPORARY HOME BY CARRIE UNDERWOOD FIRST PART OF SONG, PROBABLY LIKE A MOVIE OR TWO , BUT IT DOESN'T SHOW THE ACTUAL TRAUMA WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH AN THE REAL EMOTIONS AN PTSD ECT. WE FACE, THEY'RE JUST LITTLE FUN TEAR JERKERS BUT TBH IT'S REALLY SICK WE DON'T GET SET UP FOR A GOOD WHATEVER OF A LIFE WE CAN AFTER BUT WE SHOULD BASICALLY NEVER BE WITH OUT A HOME IT SHOULD BE PROVIDED TO US OUT OF RESPECT OF THE HELL WE DIDN'T ASK FOR TO LIVE BUT HAVE TO AN WE SHOULD GET SUPPORT OF SOME SORT FOR THE REST ARE LIVES, NOT REALLY ASKING A HANDOUT FROM GOVERNMENT IT'S NOT A HANDOUT FROM BEING LAZY OR SOMETHING IT'S A WAY TO MAKE A HOME AN FOUNDATION IN HOPE A FAMILY ONE DAY FOR YOURSELF WHEN YOU NEVER HAVE HAD REALLY A FAMILY, REAL LOVE ECT.. HAVING NOONE TO HELP YOU A SHOULDER TO JUST HAVE THE SLIGHTEST LEAN IF ABLE BUT REALTY THO YA NOOOO... AN JUST TO SAY YESSSSS SOME MAY BE ABLE TO GET PAST IT AN YESSS SOME ARE SMART ENOUGH OR HAVEN'T BEEN IN SO MUCH OF THE TRAUMA FROM THE SYSTEM AN CAN FUNCTION BUT THERE ARE SOME LIKE ME WHO HAVE HAD NO CHOICE TO AN DUMPED OFF TO SURVIVE OUT HERE FROM SCRATCH BARELY KNOWING HOW TO EVEN USE A CELL PHONE AT AGE 18 N OR EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, GET A LISENCE, PAY A BILL, GET REAL RESOURSES FOR HELP I NEVER GOT AN WAS OFFERED. THERE WAS NOTHING FOR US FOSTER NOBODYS REALLY WHEN I WAS IN THERE THAT'S FOR SURE ,MIGHT BE SOMETHING NOW FOR KIDS AN FAMILIES... BUT MY MENTAL HEALTH HAS OVER COME SO MUCH TRYNA FIGHT TO BE OK AN TRY AN BE A MAN THRU ALL MY TIME HERE TRYNA FIND WAYS TO COPE AN GET BY IM JUST AT A POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I FEEL ONE I'M DONE CONVINCING MYSELF THAT THERE IS MORE FOR ME AN THIS ISN'T ALL IT'S EVER GONNA BE I'VE WORKED BEEN IN MY OWN HOUSE LOST IT BUT I GOT ONE AT ONE POINT IVE GOT MY LISENCE GOT MY G.E.D I JUST ACCEPTED THE FACT I'M TO MENTALLY MESSED UP TO BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING A NORMAL HUMAN BEING IS CAPABLE OF WITH IT F" ING IT UP LETTING MY PTSD ANXIETY AN DEPRESSION ADHD BYPOLAR ALL REAL DIGNOSES GIVIN TO ME BUT I ONLY BELIEVE IN PTSD AN SHIT THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT I AM USED TO THINK I WAS JUST PTSD AN LITTLE HYPER TRIED TO CONVINCE MYSELF I WASN'T DEPRESSED NOMORE OR ANXIETY WAS JUST ME BEING SHY BUT AROUND MOST PPL I ALWAYS FIND MY WAY TRYNA JUST FIND A WAY TO JUST DO WHAT I NEED OR HELP IF I CAN AN GET BACK TO WHEREVER I'M STAYING NOT A PARTY PERSON NOT BIG SOCIAL PERSON I'M A HILLBILLY FROM THE HOOD WELL EVERYWHERE IN OHIO IT SEEMS. (HOODBILLY) BUT TITLE TO MY LIL BIO/LITTLE OF STORY IS ........... Thank you fr for taking time to read this
• Surviving the System an fighting myself to give my daughter something to be proud of an a legacy to go off of an not let myself convince my heart I'm ready to go.. ...

First thing is I'm tryna get a lawyer to help me get past the statute of limitations, but it's hard to find someone to take me serious and believe my past and the couple ways legally to get past the statute of limitations. I have multiple ways to knock that out the way due to my mental health, unsound mind, or the not knowing I could even help myself and sue make a lawsuit to get something of a life finally and justice for the trauma Ive endured all the hell an crying an gonna sound pretty depressing but begging for god to tell me why I had to go thru this an why nobody loves me why amm I so alone , why did you put me here " just to suffer an endure all this hurt in my heart" but make it so big where it's hard to hate an I'm full of love to give but some reason I can't get noone to really love it back?!? Nobody really cares or can relate to my trauma nor really done anything for me that's been truly helpful or life changing for me , I can say have

Found few ppl in my life I can hold onto an be greatful for what they had an could do for me somewhat with what they could an with all my heart I'm grateful truly more than ever one day I'ma give it back hopefully by showing y'all I made it an Blessing you back like I always told myself i would because I'll never forget the little few that have gone out the way to just try an make my day maybe little less stressful or spot to let me warm up or gave me work to help me with some money in my pocket . Never free money if they tried id find a way to return or work it back to show I'm not trying to be a bum or a handout.....

My 16 years in Foster care might as well say my whole life are some of the most crazy sad traumatizing things someone's could ever go thru in any lifetime. Like how am I still here or want to be here but I am an I don't want this to be my last but of hope I just need ppl to see me an feel little of the pain I've endured all understanding why I'm not perfect but also why I haven't gave up yet ....

Until recently " an still don't think because of how my survivals been this far just feeding myself more that false hope tryna find a way to keep my heart an mind alive it's keeping my mind busy tho an has thrown me little more motivation to not give up an just croak ig simple said as that ,

but then thats left with a daughter with out a father an nothing to look up to an protect her from life an what it can bring an ik what it can bring an can do by far...

So, it's been years of me tryna do it by myself and failing over and over, tryna get back up, keep going, and repeat. I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm either ready to be at peace or something needs to understand my life—if that's what you call surviving every day to just make it to the next day—and someone to believe in me and let me get a couple helping hands to pick me up and let me experience what I never had with my daughter, and be there and give them reason to be proud of me and how hard I have fought to even still be here still trying after all the trauma this life has given me and no real family and no support from the government, Montgomery County Children Services, that owned me my whole life basically.

Another thing they could've done for me, but rather just leave me lingering thru the system: they could have seen how unfit my mother was and let me get a chance to be adopted. It's their decision to make, and they just let my mom basically have some right to have me in foster care, but not let me be able to go to another family and try and be happy with people that actually wanted to be more than what she couldn't be at any point in my life.

My real brothers and sisters on my mom’s side, 5 total I'm pretty much a stranger to them. They really don't give a shit if I'm even in existence, besides the one who just kinda feels bad for me and I say hi to every now and again. But from my past and not being around, I would never wanna ruin that with any intent of my soul; just for something I can get, or id go make the money for it myself. Her boyfriend would tell me " keep in mind they like to drink" but forgetting how she told me to come over last night in the morning, hang out with them cookout go fishing , but forgot but he didn't fully forget n remembered when I was calling saying I'm omw but she did totally. And when I was calling, driving over there excited to go fish and bring some food to cook on the grill, she, I guess, woke up in panic telling him to put up his wallet—anything expensive—and tryna just make sure I don't get one over on them. Never have I even tried it wanted to that, even though every time I'm there I drive myself or bring food for everyone and fishing stuff for everyone my own money but few times I didn't have much to do an kinda extra stuff but I never lived to go over there have anything but there been time or two I've not had much to throwv in for anything but my gas to find way there but rarely ever always came over bearing gifts an fishing trips n food for cookouts while fishing wherever!

I always show so much respect. And even when they say I can go inside to grab a drink or the bathroom, out of PTSD, anxiety, and shit, I have someone go with me inside until I'm done. That way everyone feels at ease and no risk of no one feeling that way towards me. But since my years in foster care and life history is just automatically in their brain, that's how she should feel if she was to keep me in her life and let me come see my nieces and nephew and have a chance to be anything to at least one person in my family—to say hi to me even if it’s just because they feel guilty or bad for me. I have accepted what I am to the rest of my real family, and that's just not to even exist, no matter how much I want to matter to them, like them being my family and mattering to me doesn't change what I am to them, I kinda just know that's never gonna be anything but hurting myself and false hope on something out of my power an lack of empathy n love from the hearts an that's ok if that makes them happy an they content who am I to want to get in there way .

I have a dad somewhere out there, don't know his name; mom couldn't tell me either because she don't know. It was one of the worst years of her life and she just guesses maybe this one guy, but he could care less to go get a test and see. He just acted like he could be just to get some pussy at the time mom was tryna get someone to feel bad or give her money and attention somehow. The guy even told me he doubts it by far, but he would always be around whenever I got out of foster care, but he’s long gone and, I guess, has six other kids with other people anyways. So that's more family, if it was my real dad’s side, that I will never experience.

I'm almost 31 years old; it's just not in my cards no more to try and figure it out. Went this long, what is gonna be any different now? All I wanna know is if he is Black, Mexican, Chinese, Indian, Conway Twitty, hopefully Keith Whitley, or something—just wanna know where I come from. I have Mexicans come up to me starting to speak Spanish thinking I'm Mexican of some sort because of my black hair and I'm pretty tan then I start doing sign language with face expressions an spanish words I'm of an some American words they might know if they speak no English at all but maybe know of some words like I know coulpke Spanish an crazy thing is we find ways to understand what each other are saying without translator that ig ppl have nowadays an the tan partt , that's because I mainly do landscaping outside an I really have so much love for that an really professional tbh can do really anything landscape wise,. And then ill have niggas come to me asking if my mom’s Black or my daddy’s Black. And I have Black family on my mom's side I talk to every now and again because they remembered me, but never took time to know me. It was just a "I remember you, you're Jeri's son aren't you?" Yup, long lost foster shit, nobody cared to really remember. But that's what it is.

One of my real sister's best friends back in the day messaged me, "Are you related to Jenny and Jeremy Minke?" I said, "Yeah, they’re my blood family, I was just never around and stuck in foster care my whole life." She didn't believe me. I said, "Why would I lie to kick it, make anything like that up?" She stopped writing me and had to confirm and get proof for herself. And once she heard it was true, she was like, "I know your whole family pretty much but never knew you even was in existence until I seen your last name pop up on her Facebook and at first I thought you was maybe one of her cousins, but you said 'sister' on your comment and I wanted to just see for myself." We dated almost five years, then obviously it went away and I kinda deserved it. But my intentions were good. I was too smart to lie to and protective and kinda just made sure she stayed and no one take her from me, so it kinda was too much. Even though plenty of good memories we had, she got bored and wanted more than I could at the time and it just fell apart. Not tryna go into details and hurt my heart more reminiscing it.

My dogs were my babies an spoiled, even if it was in a 30-foot camper in a backyard in Dayton. I asked older ppl I stayed with off an on after that relationship with sisters kinda old friend ; but they said that was cool just be mindful pick up after them what not ..And my roommate and his mom they were really nice was a old boss from a job I worked at before but—I liked my own personal space, so I convinced them to let me stay out back in big camper we were in East Dayton ghetto so wasn't to unordinary an tovme that's where I'm from but them they were afraid of it out there after losing there house in way nicer naborhood pretty sad tbh but gma I called her they lived there like 40 sum years bank made them go, they felt little more secure me there also gave her little more joy to move around an try an cook ❤️‍ but because Ik alot of ppl an the way it was an what not to be living in the area n how the ppl are an what to know an lookout for , I was able to let gma be more at ease an live out her time at least knowing she an her son was ok an safe I'm make sure of it always did becauseI'm always outside an I'm younger well built an street smart enough to know what to do an be aware plus my pups always around loved gma an did the job when I was at work or gone for little bit.. but

Reassuring her all the time she finally had peace an love the rest her time here , but moving on with it .....Instead of in the small house because I smoke and I'm up listening to music lots. And when working, I worked long hours. They were older; he took care of his mom.; she was 92, I believe, when she passed away. But I got a probation violation because I peed dirty. And I'm not a violent offender; I just used to help me keep going, not be so hard on myself motivation keeps my mind from going back to much into the bs thoughts an feelings an actually helped me get my self in a better state of mind, But I messed up, did my schedule wrong how I peed clean, and ended up in jail then going to the Monday program prison rehab gma n Byron they watched my dogs while I was there 8 months total with jail then 6 months rehab. But Gma I don't know if she got so upset I was gone Byron said she was worried always asking and she worried herself to death it felt like because of me he said he just never told her I was in prison but she knew something was wrong she wasn't stupid old lady; she died while I was in the Monday program in Dayton they forced me to go to an really didn't need to go but its there way or no way not justifying my way of feeling better but it's not to the point where I bother noone an can't function but most won't ever believe without meeting me see for yourself, And I got through it tho passed successfully barely but did , but they wouldn't let me go to her funeral before I got out or anything. It had me so upset an pissed at the world almost went to prison because the was what happens if you don't complete the program an that program is crap id rather go back to prison then that place again. . But Gma was so kind to me I'll never forget that woman . And her son, they showed me love an helped me little bit with place to live an never asked much from me but what I could an I did what I could to repay back but he’s an older guy too, someone that has given me a place to run to if I needed a shower or mail sent wherever if I'm hungry after I was out an Gma already passed

But he ended up in retirement old people apartments, so I couldn't stay with him to try and get on my feet. So I had to have myself figure something out. I had plenty jobs in my life mainly I wanna do landscaping if i had the right foundation an money to get started be my own boss an be able to afford up to date tools another great thing about the proprty an why I want it for my future income an way to keep maintaining the property tax an electric ect ... But ya moving on with story thing i ended up getting a job at Maxum Roofing, was making good money on federal work days. When we had federal jobs, but I guess that wasn't very often, then I made shit pay. But I started out federal work pay making like 50 an hour, and then I had decent money saved like 3000 went all to house an pet fees. But to be homeless, I found a lady to rent to me because no one would. My credit—I had none because I never really understood it and I just had cash to offer and tell her kinda my situation little my story, and that if she works with me I can make it here and pay the bills. 1200 plus utilities, 1500 a month on the east side of Dayton is way ridiculous but had no choice.

...And hear this !

I was staying in a little house with my people I just mentioned, two streets down. Total house with utilities was 650ish, but I had nobody else that would rent to me. Going off my couple paychecks I had that said my income was pretty good, so I used that. Didn't think I couldn't make the payments or fall behind too bad after it went down to 20 ish a hour but I was struggling but was doing okay until I got with this female. I was lonely. I had my dogs, but I feel like I had a two-story house with a basement and two bedrooms upstairs that are completely empty. I had one big room I made my own by the front door because I'm from the hood and life, I wanna be close to whatever so I’m ready for it.

PTSD, anxiety, overprotective of my little belongings and my pups. I just made the living room my bedroom and the dining room into a living room. I didn't need both lol. And pretty much the living room was for my dogs and upstairs I had a little thing for my kid to have up there if she could ever come see me. But she never in time because her mom was being whatever, because I was doing okay and she would make an excuse she’s not comfortable with her going to my place because of jail and the Monday program. I still used, didn't tell her that though. And I was on probation, had a schedule and routine and was working. Had got a job and house and Mercedes Benz, and then I let my heart convince me to wanna share this with someone and be happy and to get myself out of my shell and not be so isolated. Funny note my ex was named Merecades she was born in 1999 my car was Mercedes made in 1999 seemed kinda godsent so in my heart I extra convinced myself it was suppose to be an put so much into tryna understand her not be so controlling or whatever but she took my kindness for weakness an played the hell out of my life an I just fell an let her kinda just believed this was it for me an it ever will be like

And I tried to be Superman to a female I thought I loved—and I did—but she obviously didn't love me enough, and not at all right. And Superman turned into "super retarded." My car broke down, everything money-wise is into my house, and I couldn't afford to fix my car. Then no one to ask for help. Called hotlines and churches; they told me I wasn't in the area code for help with that, but if I was five minutes down the road they could have. I was let down so bad when my whole life I've been pretty much figuring it out on my own, too stubborn to let people know I'm failing. But I fought for my house and not wanting to lose it. I called an screamed for her band was let down every time. And I called so many places and even the Job Center mvho 211 ; everything was so full in the Dayton area an even places out the Dayton area and no help funding because of too many people using an abusing the help they couldn't do nothing for he supposedly but food pantry.. Grateful for that offer but that's not what I needed at time.

And with her doing what she was to me, tryna make her a priority, then losing the job because the car broke and no help—asked them for rides, they work all over different towns an cities, no one wanted to come help me. Lost her, lost my house, now homeless with three dogs because my Husky and German Shepherd had puppies before I lost my house. Kept one. ...And so, homeless with three dogs now and bouncing around churches at night when church wasn't in sessions if so id pack up before they got started they had to know I was there ppl had to of called plus the camera but I never got close to there buildings ever staying far back as I could making sure I faced the camera so they could see me an why I was there pretty much but finally got ahold of some ppl ik an got little slide on camper from side jobs on someone I know's property that they were basically homeless themselves, but staying there because their grandpa is in the hospital and someone needed to be here. So his dad’s taking care of his grandpa until he goes. Once he goes, then so does the property. An that's how this place found me I don't think I found it . It chose me sounds weird but I can feel I'm suppose to be here an fight to be here an how the odds I didn't know at first that it was gonna be for sale or any much of anything just that I could kinda hide out camp until I have to go somewhere until his dad did check up until I've day then another be kind of picked up I'm here.. here an just kinda kept it real with him instead of lying n gave him some money here an there an he hasnt really been so bad to me knowing just enough then got to talk with him coulple times an asked him about the place n what not he just can't afford it an why the burden to take care of it an his son not gonna be able to do it an is not really ideal the most clean get up get stuff done person .. my buddy but he lazy kinda just let place go an the other person kinda same way junk everywhere his dad said he just wants to sell it so his brother wants it sold after his GPA well his dad an told me bout his memories here an growing up an how his dad wanted me to keep it n not give it away to strangers or ppl that won't let family come enjoy it or see it ever again so I offered this.. moving on with story get back to it

And I got here, just fell in love. It was so dirty and given up on, and the house basically is of no value, said the people who come do the evaluation on the property. And what it's worth: they say the house was not counted in, just the property, and they want 90,000 thousand for the 7 acres. And even though I'm homeless and going through it, this place is something I always wanted for myself and my own family. And I tried to just be grateful, even though I pay a little to be homeless in my truck camper. I got a little electric still and no running water, but there is a well that produces no good drinking water or eating, but I guess is cool enough to use as water to bathe when I can't get nowhere to. It is at least something.

But since I’ve been here, they just let the place go. Trash everywhere inside the house part and outside. They mowed still, but that's about it. I have almost transformed this place to which it deserves, and I had the audacity to ask their dad if I could maybe buy the place somehow, if I get the money to. He kinda looked at me and laughed because I'm homeless, but I thought maybe money from the car crash I was in. I'm waiting to get a good chunk of it, something. But I recently found out it all goes to child support and now I’m just here thinking like there is no hope but to keep tryna get a lawyer to take on my lawsuit against foster care.

But no money, but car crash money that might be able to go as a retainer to a lawyer to take my case, fight the statute of limitations, and know once we have got through that hardest part, everything will literally be all right there in paperwork as enough proof and documents to win this lawsuit. I promise. I have 16 years of the stuff because I was the one to have to live it and go through the abuse, the over-medication, the 10 or so different highschools across Ohio, all the different 16 foster homes, the 5 group homess juvenile jail from unruly charges from refusing meds to smoking a cigarette because it calmed me to eventually keeping me from my family n treating me like shit an a living science experiment started running away tryna get back home been abused physically mentally verbally emotionally while I was in the system been jumped and beat up sliced bleeding real bad from kids and s*** being racist and just bad group homes been shot at hit in the elbow at one point refusing to get but naked after getting robbed running from group home staying in ally not to far from gruop home ig they were friends with the fake ass kids in the group home .. i used to just fight because i was white an wore camo an they would do it for fun but realized i wasn't no little b**** an i would stand up for myself an would be able to every single one that tried by themselves i put down then just when one would be going down the rest of the majority jump in get my ass all together no choice but to get ass beat soup poured on me while I was sleeping then beating my ass after I wake up tripiin to the point i had to sleep with my feet pressed against a chest pushed on the door with my hands pushing off the wall when they tried to come in I complained to Foster agency they didn't care would have jokes when I called an if they heard my name there nothing we can do Jacob stop calling have a nice day type shit .. I ran off first time after they jumped me for god knows how many times an came back swore enough time to go to juvenile jail on purpose to get the hell out but nope just searched me told me im restricted to go outside an do anything n they were racist as hell ... The shit continued I started to pack up everything I could an they seen me packing waiting until I got to back door then boom one popped me then the other then I grabbed a wood broom and ik I hurt one them bad then one had a knife stabbed me well sliced me pretty bad in my chest still have scar an then once they seen the blood I was able to get out back door an gone until they realized where I was couldn't really get to me because I had to be in certain times but they had buddies around the area and I was usually kind of cool with them all but there was a couple desperate ones and guess paid them enough b******* food or whatever to get me robbed an butt naked then other gruop homes bed bug infested the other one had them to but this was out in country bunker hill it was called Oxford Ohio went to tallawanda high School was kinda secluded an they never had anything to do but walk around property n play little basketball in the gym all i ever did an there was some Mexicans there that were kinda creepy n was cool with me for some reason I wasn't little but wasn't nothing to scary other than then hearing my problems in gruop the gruop home ppl brought up an so they seen I wasn't no shirt term bs I was in this for awhile an lived this shit so I'm guessing that's why they didn't mess with me too much but they was raping some other kids there an crazy shit was on the news I believe if you look it up but I ended up running one night girl i liked asked me to sneak over n stay the night hangout puberty was 2 years in I never had chance to really be able to try an be a teen ager have a good night but I snuck out the window and ended up going to a house 2 mi out and saying my friends kind of ditched me as a prank and left me out here to walk all the way back to Oxford if there's any way they could help me out with the ride and believe it or not I am getting a ride and that's always leaving the house where I asked for a ride they were driving and I said the cops coming right past them and on their way to Bunker Hill the people never thought anything of it they just kept driving I ended up in Oxford around 10:00 at night and I knocked on the door and she was there shocked and surprised and trust me it was so different I was so nervous and I was so confused on what I do now and what was going to happen but she came out we smoked a little weed she kind of grabbed me and had me hold on to her and was being all flirty and stuff let's just say that's the night I lost my virginity and she was an identical triplet I don't want to say your name but they all three looked alike it was a crazy experience but to me looking back at it now I would say it was worth it I don't care that's one night I could say I actually got to live and be something on my own and feel normal for a second and then I end up getting a ride from one of my buddies from Oxford who drove and they dropped me off near the group home and lucky enough and I was able to go through the window that I went through to get out and I got into the group home and then I climbed underneath one of the other beds and acted like I was there for the whole time and put out my leg so they can see that I was underneath the bed and sleeping so when he came in and told me to wake up and started yelling at me and stuff where was I where have I been I said I've been underneath the bed the whole time you guys piss me off and I just didn't want to f*** with you and I take medicine and knock me out I was gone they said the police were in here and everything and we didn't look under the bed but there's nobody in here there's no way you didn't hear us I was like swear to God, sorry God I know he forgives me cuz he know I needed that night for me so I didn't get really no trouble a little more time went on I got took out of that group home I don't know why I can't remember I don't think it's because my behavior or nothing or I just refused take my medicine it was something like that or go to a group meeting or something but left there then heard awhile after about Mexicans finally getting caught or whatever it was think it happened two different times crap like that happened there crazy yo..... oh btw that first group home was building bridges on Salem ave Dayton Ohio. Other gruop home was in Cincinnati off colerain ave behind a wroyal car wash other one David l brown in Troy Ohio an this Greene house in Springfield Ohio was nice guy but I was tired of being restrained an not being able to go hangout with ppl or gave to be in at certain times had to sneak cigs or they take them away from me random searches an what not I just wanted to feel normal an friend i met one night dude was beating her ass an i was walking around an seen it no words straight messed this dude up knocked out his teeth an gave him one good kick to the mouth he kept getting up slowly but surely an i kept putting him back down to the point where i don't want to hurt dude nomore but just wouldn't leave it alone sirens started going then he ran off she thsnked me so much an said he was crackhead lived closer an woukdbt stop tryna get her to bla bla with him an he became extra an just started wailing on her she asked about me said she never seen me around told her kinda what I was going thru n she said you ever need spot to run to you can come here wile met her mom she fell in love with me an said same thing with offer but ended up running tryna get back home but stayed there like 3 weeks maybe month an finally said my goodbyes didn't want to over stay my welcome had fun little bit first time playing call of duty zombies on a game system an i could smoke cigs in peace an me an girl were pretty chill friends i liked her friend she tries to hook me up with but i explained that it wouldn't work n it would just be dramatic with what ib have to live like an go thru esp after i turn myself in or get caught that was that tho was in two mental hospitals .. troy ohio deptmer idk how to spell it an i was in Kettering youth services twice maybe three different times for weeks to months at time locked down wear gowns an what not magnetic doors for security an i litterly was considered bad mental enough to be doped up an even more science experiment there refused to take meds they would force my mouth open with water an if I refused to do that n made it hard they would hold me down in a room an get this big long needle looked like the size of be forearm idk it was long an they would slam me to ground an stick my ass with it an put me in turtle suit an i would beat my head so hard crying to God why the hell is this what i have to go thru.. why the hell can't i just be left alone went to the point of me used to ask god let me be with my family why don't none love me an all that cry myself to sleep crap then it went from that to why can't I just be left alone put me down kill me ...........

Like I said I lived it an that's not everything at all that's just couple things to get idea some of my teenage life from 13 to 18 so much I went thru even before that I really don't like to talk about the sick shit but just know it's not easy nor ok by all means but You know an that proof an that trauma is right there in documents why can't I find someone to help me get a lawyer to take this on.. I'm still tryna find one an haven't gave up yet but ? Like, it's all right there. Like, there's no way they can hide that.

I didn't know I could do anything for myself and ask to make a lawsuit. I didn't even know that was possible and to get justice or any kind of help I deserved. I didn't have nobody to help me and tell me that or give me the insight on that. I've been out here surviving and struggling thinking this is my life and all that's going to be ever, and this is what I deserve, even though I didn't ask to go through this and I didn't ask to be here. But I've been here, and I've been fighting and I've been trying, and I just been getting let down and I'm letting down my daughter.

And I told myself I would never do my kids the way I was done. I wouldn't. But me killing myself and not wanting to be here and be at peace finally, it's not really her going through what I did, but she wouldn't have a dad to count on and lean on and be there for like I want to be. And that's not for pity; that's for nothing but peace. And it's hard, and I can't take it, and I don't know what to do. My dog and my daughter, literally, I'm holding on to for dear life in my truck and camper and a couple things that I have got left from my house and since I've been out of foster care.

But that's about to be took from me or gone because I can't keep this place or have a place to go. My truck is kind of broke down, needs work. I got to get to a rehab or whatever because it's mandatory for probation, and I'm not wanting to leave my dog behind or my things and not have anything for when I'm out, and then be homeless when I'm out on top of that. I found a place to take me and my dog, but nobody to help me with my things that I have for storage—things inside my truck—all I have left. So if I don't do something soon enough, they're going to arrest me and then I'm going to go back to prison because I guess I'm a horrible criminal that isolates himself and doesn't bother anybody.

And I go out and I do things and I work and earn as much as I can to afford any kind of habit I would have. And it's not as serious as everybody thinks it is; it's just obviously illegal. And I don't know how alcohol is legal but what I do is, and alcohol you have no recollection of what the fuck you do sometimes. And I'm all here in my head and I know exactly what I'm doing when I do it. You know what I mean? With what I do. And I can talk to people, customers, everything—nobody would know that I did anything if it wasn't for getting pulled over one day and then fucking with me basically because they seen something that was suspicious and then basically now I'm a felon of the third degree and going through this bullshit ever since.

And I can't get past this big ass wall I keep hitting because probation got a probation violation for peeing dirty. Go to prison, did 8 months of prison. Almost lost my dog. My other two dogs went to my buddy’s mom’s and the other one went to an ex-girlfriend of mine; she was able to find a good home for it, she works around dogs. But got out of prison, got my oldest dog, and I'm out here on the property still trying to figure out how to do this lawsuit and get through this stuff and figure out how I can somehow keep this property. Because, I mean, it's what I really want for me and my kid and my future. And it would be really good for me and healthy to have a foundation and something to look forward to, help motivate me to maybe find another way or do something different like be happy or motivated knowing something is going good and I have a home no one can take away from me.

I should've never been without a place to live after foster care knowing I don't have any real family or support. And they should have provided that for me and all the benefits that they could give me, because I don't. And I see people out here getting all that and more for so much less, or they're just lazy. I'm not trying to compete or anything, that's not my purpose, because I get, you know, some people need help too. But to be homeless and to be struggling and surviving like I have, and them knowing that they were my sworn protectors really my whole life, and then being nothing in my life while I was in there plus when I'm out—like what the hell, what do I do? What do I feel?

I should hate everything and everyone and have no kind of heart, and that's not me. I have a huge heart and I'm the first person to jump on something if somebody needs help. And you can ask any kind of people that know me or been around me that I will do something like that for anybody that needs it because I know how it feels not to have it. Why would I want somebody to suffer if I know I could do something to help make their day or be nice to them or show them that they're not invisible? What I don't get is how some people make an excuse or they've been through so much and whatever and that's the reason they're assholes or treat people like shit or do the things they do. Like, I get some of them, you know, have a shield or you know, protect yourself a little bit. But that doesn't mean you turn into a hateful, nasty human being and want to hurt or kill people or whatever you do.

If you really been through it and you really know how all that feels, and the neglect and having nobody, you would want to do the complete opposite because you wouldn't want nobody to ever feel that and what you had to feel because nobody deserves to have to feel that way. But I can't help things that I can't change in my life as easy as some other people probably could or can. I have problems myself but I'm not a horrible person. I'm not. I'm not a horrible criminal. And I've been through more bull crap then ever. They sent me to fucking prison and gonna send me back like I deserve that punishment, to sit and rot in that place more than I am out here in real life, instead of helping me, giving me real support and working with me knowing the government and youth foster care when I was a kid gave me the drugs and the medicines and doped me up to feel like I have no other way than to, you know, feel better somehow and use.

Instead of blaming what they've done to me, they blame me as I'm the main part of the problem and that's what it is—that I did this to myself and that I deserve to go through hell even though I live the hell every day and nobody wants to take the time to hear me out or understand what I've been through. They just automatically assumed. But this last time I went to court, the judge looked at me because I had to write out a thing about my ILC and I just said a few things that were true, and she just wrote it down because nobody was going to care anyways so I didn't even put much. And then I get the paper and she looks at me like, "You've been through hell, haven't you?"

I almost wanted to cry. Like, I think I almost did cry. Like I started doing the crumble chin because nobody ever notices things like that or takes into consideration that I actually have been through hell and I've lived it. I know. And I looked at her and I told her, I was like, "I know I had to live it but I'm not a horrible criminal, I just used to help myself feel better. You can look at my record and everything, like I don't... I don't go out and do criminal shit, but it's my life. I had to go through it and still going through it and it's just something I got to deal with and accept this is what it's for me."

She made it sound like they were going to help me. She was like, "Well we need to get you off the street drugs and figure something out for you," but sticks me on probation after prison and then basically I'm homeless. Whatever, I use still. And probation's telling me they don't give a fuck about my dog or my little bit I have left. That I need to go to rehab in a certain amount of days to get in there or I'm going to go get a warrant and then they're going to make me go back to prison or let me go to a rehab after I do jail time instead of prison. But then I get out of rehab to what? I don't have my dog no more or none of my things, my truck or my camper, and they just stick me back out here again. Yeah, I'm not going to use, I'm going to be so much better? No.

That sounds like the end of my time. That sounds like enough for me. And I don't care how that sounds to anybody. You live this shit. I don't wish this upon nobody, but if you was to actually go through just a couple things that I've been through in my life, you wouldn't know how to do anything with yourself but probably crumble and die. Like I took the burden so my brothers and sisters and whoever else in my family wouldn't have to. I'm doing God's work. I'm out here surviving and I'm out here doing it without any hope in the world for myself besides doing this desperate begging for shit and making me look like a whatever you want to call it.

I've tried and I've tried and I've tried, and I'm still trying. If you wanted proof of my problems or don't believe me, then don't, but I can prove everything I have said. And there's still things that you guys don't even know that I just left out that it's just too personal and it's not for people to hear. But if I have to sit there and let that shit out too, I will. I honestly want to hopefully one day make enough money to do the things I wanted to do on this land and property and help animals because animals have always been there for me when the people haven't.

But then again, I want to put money towards things and whatnot for foster kids to have to go through things—because there's nothing out there for... like one song I know that has a little bit of it about foster care, and then a movie or two that maybe talked about it, but they don't really do anything and show how us foster kids really suffer out here and have nobody. They don't want to hear our stories or pull us to the side and want to, you know, give us the time of day to explain the things we've been through and give us a GoFundMe or some kind of support and help people donate to us. What do we get? I know what I have got. Shaking my head.

Sorry about the language but it puts emphasis on what I'm trying to say and it seems naturally to flow how I think and feel.

This was done for the GoFundMe. Hey Google. "I don't need you to take out any words or cusswords nothing like that, just punctuate it to make it sound, you know, flowfull an look organized"