hello. my name is Mathie Hance. but you probably know me best as mathie, or blackmagemathie. you might have even visited my website already.

i'm an artist. i'm unemployed. i'm a writer. i'm disabled. i'm queer. i'm 26. i'm many more things.

today, i am in immense pain.

for what felt like months, but is actually years, i've always been struggling with existential questions. who am i? what is "i"? what will happen to me when i'm old? when i die?

for the longest time, it's been but the occasional, barely yearly bout of anguish, that i get by looking at myself in the mirror, and lasts not even a minute before i shrug it off. an okay thing to have, an easy unease to dismiss.

over the course of last year, plus at least some months, i have been the victim of exponentially frequent panic attacks, depressive episodes and crushing avalanches of despair, all centered around the inevitable demise of myself, my loved ones, this planet, and the universe.

at the start of this year, i was merely hyperventilating for one-hour episodes. then, they starting last days, during which i became nonverbal and continuously shed inner tears. now, i have entered what feels like an unjustly early, agonisingly slow, continuous death. i barely listen to music anymore. i barely read anymore. i don't play with my plushes anymore. my world has folded back onto itself, imploding in silence. every single thing i gaze at, i see rusted, turned to dust, made void forevermore. joy is gone. i'm no longer alive. i'm undead. and only for so long.

...however, what little lucidity remains in my mind knows such infinite despair is not normal. especially at my age.

i want to know what it is to enjoy life again. i want to write, to draw, to create with all my hearts again. i don't want my precious time on this precious green earth to be spent ruminating about its own end. in spite of what is whispered to my bones, i pour all the energy i have left into holding onto the belief this anxiety can be cured away.

thus, i am seeking cognitive behavioral therapy, which is known to have durable effects on what could very well be an existential ocd, or gods know what else.

and which is also costly.

as my website states, i have no stable revenue. i'm disabled, but not on benefits (yet, hopefully). i have no job. i'm not sure i can ever have a full job. and regardless, i certainly can't have any job until my mental health improves drastically.

in my area, i am in luck to have a number of cbt therapists. but very few take new patients, for the state of mental health as a medical field in France is disastrous. from what i've gathered, cbt ranges anywhere from 10 to 20 sessions. and the session costs i've seen range from 60 to 80 euros. which is more than i can reasonably afford.

i want to be prepared for the worst. thus, i am aiming to raise 1.5k euros, which should hopefully cover the entire cost of therapy; transportation and other minor extras included.

i want to be able to look at myself, at the world around me, at my friends and partners with joy again.

i want to be able to gift the world with my artistic endeavors again.

i want to live again.

every little bit helps. please and thank you.