Finding Daisies and the Road to Home

Finding Daisies

For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamt of being able to set out and live free off the land without the everyday burden of corporate America. But, everywhere I looked, status quo pushed me to build a home and settle down. So, I followed that rubric. Constantly conforming even though I was unhappy with my surroundings.

And then Taylor came into my life. Full to the brim of laughter and motivation. Always willing to challenge the norm to find happiness in himself. Never willing to compromise who he is as a person for the comfort of others. Taylor was my light. The push I needed to follow my dreams.

So, we planned. We sketched and planned and thought and studied, everything we would need to know to live off the land and thrive on our own. We found the nomad community…the most wholesome and supportive group of people that I have yet to meet. The idea was, we get a mid sized vehicle or a skoolie (school bus converted to living space) so that we could travel and have all of our essentials, but still be able to accommodate others and be prepared for most anything.

It was a lot to take on, but it gave us hope where our everyday work life was beating us into the ground. With every passing day, I fueled our normal societal life with the hopeful future that we would one day soon take to the road and leave our constraints behind.

But, on February 18th of this year, my love couldn’t take it anymore. The stress reached a peak. We came home and we were both worn to the bone. Both weary and exhausted and struggling to help each other. When I woke up, he had taken his own life in hopes of peace.

All hope was shattered.

We had found our faith in each other. We both struggled with church going Christians and the structured, narrow minded and often times judgmental outlook of modern day Christianity. We related on a level not many people get to experience.

In the time we had together, we shared dreams that defy normal understanding. We both knew he was going to die. Early in our relationship, Taylor had told me he would be a stepping stone in my journey. And I hated it. Every time he reminded me, the anger and fear seeped in. I had found my other half and I couldn’t possibly fathom losing him.

But, one day I had a dream. A dream of his death and another of our reunion. I held him in my arms as he faded away and then shortly after, a beautiful dream when we meet again. It felt like more than a normal dream. Not just vivid, but it’s like something was preparing me to be strong.

Months before his death, I felt the tension rising. Something horrible was going to happen, but I didn’t know what. I was dreading what was to come knowing I might be about to start my journey. He had already built me into a strong confident person, more patient and more understanding. I knew it was about to be time. But, it came sooner than I had anticipated. My hope had clouded my ability to see.

This was not the first dream we shared either. We had dreams of our (frankly biblical) journey to come. We shared dreams of a black panther that was bonded to us in the same night. I had a dream of a phone call that happened weeks later. Each one of them tying us closer together.

We grew our faith over time. Watching interviews, understanding our abnormal experiences and trying to make sense of our bond. The night I saw him die in my dreams and knew it would happen with certainty, we held each other and cried. He gave me comfort and strength for a circumstance I didn’t want to face, but knew I could handle. He will forever be my rock and shield. My unconditionally loving security blanket.

Now, that blanket has been ripped off. It’s like leaving the house for the first time all over again. That trepidation of being alone, but knowing I have things to do before I can join my love.

I tell you our story in hopes that you will help us further this spiritual journey. That I may go out and meet the people I am pushed to meet. That I may make a difference and cause change where I am told to go. I tell you these vulnerable truths in hopes that I can ask for your hard earned money when I’m hurting to get the vehicle I need ready to go on the journey of a lifetime.

Every day without him is pain. It feels pointless to move forward in life when my entire meaning just left me, but I know I am supposed to complete this part on my own before I can see him again. Please, help me get there. I hate asking for help, but I need it before I get stuck back in the same meaningless cycle we were trying to escape. Please help me purse my faith and complete the task that has been laid out before me.

With this help or no help at all, I will do this, but it would be much easier with support of friends and family.

I will end with this… Life is too short to be miserable as just another cog in the wheel of the machine for humanity. Find your happiness. Follow your heart. Your mind is a rational balance to keep you from going too crazy, but this societal box is built on fear and expectations that we cage ourselves with. Break out of it! Be different! Be bold! Be you :) it’s so much more worth it in the end. Be a daisy. Be a Taylor.