I rarely ask for help, especially financial.

In fact, I have an acute aversion to it.

However, right now in this moment it appears I have to.

Last week I experienced the most intense manic episode of my life and will be in recovery for a long time.

Here are some symptoms I am still experiencing as of today:
- periodic confusion over cardinal directions (north, south, east, west)
- heart-centered chest pains
- paranoia/acute anxiety/feelings of terror after dark
- limited capacity for prolonged social interaction
- sheer exhaustion following any tasks that require critical thinking/mental effort
- trouble reading and writing printed text
- low-level to extreme anxiety when using electronic devices
- tenuous grip on the passage of time
- compulsively staying up late if someone doesn’t make me go to bed
- sleep issues - insomnia, waking up already ruminating about something with a “panic attack-y”-type feeling
- volatile memory issues - my awareness of what has transpired both in the short-term and long-term past is a swiss cheese-like consistency that is constantly rearranging itself
- tendency towards forced speech - if I’m speaking out loud and not careful, I start talking really fast and in a meandering way, often forgetting to breathe until I’m out of breath
- flight of ideas - thoughts that won’t stop, jumping from one to the next without warning, deep rumination over everything

Looking back, I can identify at least five similar fluctuations that have happened this year alone.

Looking further back, I am starting to realize that I have essentially structured the entire course of my life around these patterns.

This past Tuesday I was finally able to afford to talk to a real psychiatrist with an M.D., Ph.D., and this thing some humans have called a compassionate heart, who was finally able to confirm something I’ve been concerned about and practically convinced of for years– that I clearly have a bipolar disposition and need to be treated accordingly.

Quality mental health care is extraordinarily expensive, and they never take insurance, not even MediCare.

Here are just some of the costs I’m facing moving forward:
- Session with psych (follow-up) - $250/session, weekly until further notice
- Session with therapist - $85/session, twice a week until further notice
- Meds (fluoxetine, trazadone, lamotrigine) - ~$50/month
- Potential specialized care (60-90 days) at an outpatient treatment center - ~$30,000

That’s a lot of pretty daunting expenses to face, and at this stage I’m not sure when I’ll be fit to work again.

For reasons I won’t disclose here because they are connected deeply to my trauma, I am not comfortable asking my parents for financial assistance if I don’t absolutely have to, but at least I know that they’ll always have my back, worst case.

That’s why I whipped this thing together, because although I’m open to my parents helping out with the above listed mental health care costs, I really don’t want to ask them for financial help with anything else for the foreseeable future.

I’m asking for $1500 now to help me get through the rest of this month (October), but any little bit helps. I know we’re all hurtin’ right now.

By November 1st I’ll be back in Tucson and hopefully a little bit more settled financially.

However, this is a very optimistic assessment, for if I’m not exceedingly careful and relentlessly gentle with myself, things may take a dark turn very quickly. I may end up needing to check myself into an outpatient center after all.

You can donate to this GoFundMe or Venmo/PayPal me directly:

Venmo : @brian-foreman-1
PayPal : [email redacted]

Perks:

- Donate $10 or more - you will have free access to my entire discography in whatever format(s) you desire, in perpetuity
- Donate $50 or more - I will send you one free dood (read: doodle, i.e. check out my InstaKrak™) each month for a year.
- Donate $100 or more - I will send you one free dood each week for a year.

All the best as our civilization collapses,

Brian