I fell on my face, HARD. Why not go big right?  I have been clean/sober ( not really a drinker) for 124 days. I checked myself into treatment on June 8th, 2019. It was, as the cliche goes: the absolute BEST decision, I did 30 days inpatient and now doing outpatient now for the next 2 years, I’ve graduated to one time a week for the duration. Treatment was $25,000, well worth it as the facility/staff are amazing! Most of this is paid except the last $6000. I tried to quit by myself several times and was unsuccessful. Serenity Lane has a proven record of helping people. Some back story. I had 5 surgeries in 5 years, each had a complication and I ended up on pain pills, like a roller coaster. As soon as I weaned off, I’d have another surgery and the cycle continued. First it was an ankle injury/fracture with a ligament repair a year later. I was then injured aggressively by a patron that requires three hand surgeries, major repairs. Lastly, I blew a disc out in my early 20’s that decided to come back and bite me; I needed a back fusion-L5-S-1. It was pretty bad when the surgeon got in there, they were self fused together (hence the pain) and she had to break my back to put the required metal in to fuse it correctly. This was a terrible, awful surgery to recover from! And because of the previous surgeries, my pain medication tolerance was higher than normal and this was the most painful surgery I have had up to this point in my life with a long recovery. I, gradually became addicted to the pain pills and due to pain it was difficult to come off. And because I’m stubborn I thought I could do it myself and as the last two years of my life has shown me: that isn’t the case! Hence, coming out and saying I had a problem and needed help, one of the HARDEST things I’ve done in my life! My mother was an addict and I swore on my life, I’d NEVER be like her and well here I was. Addicted. I beat myself up severely. Felt like a failure. In treatment I learned it is not a moral failure which was the KEY towards fully surrendering to help. I learned I need to work through some complex PTSD from childhood that I stuffed deep down in there. Unfortunately, I had a 50% genetic chance of becoming addicted to the pain pills due to my mother. The other caveat is that I am a nurse, so it’s a DOUBLE whammy. So some pretty severe shame and guilt ensued regarding this. I lost my job due to this and no one is hiring me. I graduated in 2006, at 30 years old. I had my son at 18 who has his Masters degree and my daughter is just starting college. I broke the cycle of abuse and it has been the GREATEST joy of my life, raising my kids the way kids are supposed to be raised. If I do nothing else in life, I did this and it’s huge to me!! My disability is ending this month, they haven’t actually approved this month yet. My bank account is overdrawn, I have $2 dollars in my wallet and I used my retirement money to survive this far. I am in desperation mode while I look for a job.  I’ve even applied at Target, Safeway etc and NO ONE has called for an interview. Emotionally and mentally I am quite distraught. My sister isn’t in a position to help financially but has been instrumental in supporting me through this. I am not in contact with my mother. I have fought through many battles in my life and I will fight through this one as well. I just need help. I know this is a LONGSHOT for help. I’m selling items to downsize and raise money for basic needs currently. I’m doing everything I can to survive and try to keep my head up. But I am down to my last dollar, literally, no exaggeration. I am randomly UA’d 1-4 times a month and I have proof of clean UAs. Besides the stress, the aftermath I created that I am cleaning up, my body feels great and I am so proud of myself. I can’t continue counseling until I have health insurance again. So, I am putting aside my pride and asking for help. I really not trying to be dramatic but it’s crunch time. I spend my days praying constantly, applying for jobs and going to NA meetings 2-5 times a week, along with weekly meetings at Serenity Lane.