Faye's Dream of Acceptance Needs You

Hey everyone, my name is Faye, and I am a trans woman, dreaming of gender affirming surgery. It's really upsetting, but my insurance doesn't cover this service at all. Ever since I remember, all I've ever wanted was just to fit in as a girl. I feel like I've expended so much time and energy trying to do so, but no matter what, there are some things that are impossible for me to live up to. So many experiences I've missed out on because of my social anxiety, which stems from how I've been treated because of the way that I look. Even in a generally progressive state like California, which is where I live currently, I still face hateful ridicule, blatant staring, and heartbreaking ostracism. The things that some people do, to make sure I know how disgusted they are by me, are enough to make me not want to leave my home. I normally don't, unless I have to to be honest. No matter how much I tell myself that I should be stronger, that if I just don't let them get to me, then they won't, it doesn't seem to matter very much. The truth is, I can't stand the way that I look. I try so hard with make-up, with clothing and styling my hair, but it feels like bringing a knife to a gunfight, to say the least. Since I fully came out, and began my transition, I felt like I'd been given a second chance at life. The dissociative hopelessness that had plagued me up until that point, was now being combated by my slow but steady emotional healing. At least now I have a goal, and I feel like I'm finally worth the effort that it takes to change for the better. However, it's been anything but easy. Caring about myself has been such a radical change for my entire state of existence, that I find myself overwhelmed, and sometimes terrified by my awareness of where I am, verses where I want to be. It's like being shown in vividly gripping detail, every little flaw, and every point of dissonance I must work to overcome. While I am grateful for the clarity and self awareness that has been brought on by accepting myself for who I truly am, the reality of the exorbitant cost of surgery is so painful for me to contemplate, that the helplessness I feel because of this, has become this inescapable truth that casts it's shadow upon all of my waking thoughts, dampening the light of my being. The times that I am most happy, are those that allow me to remain forgetful of my physical appearance. More than anything, it's my face that causes me this turmoil, for my sense of self/personality feels intrinsically linked to this part of my physical appearance, more than anywhere else. It's more than a common experience, for me to feel happy and unbothered up until the moment I am reminded of the way that I look, for one reason or another. Once it's brought into my awareness again, there's not much I can do to fight the hopelessness that feels so familiar by now, it's hard to imagine my life without it's presence. The idea that I might actually be able to feel secure, even confident in my own skin some day, is so foreign to me at the present time, that it's hard to convince myself it is even possible at all. Everyone who I've developed romantic feelings for, have in turn treated me as if I'm nothing more than a joke, and that's if I'm lucky. Sometimes, after becoming aware of my romantic interest towards them will be enough for them to treat me as though I'm a walking contagion, with frightening levels of vitriol. It's so strange, really thinking about it, trying to understand why this is my place in the world. A world that had seemed to be just as much mine, as anyone else's, has become a place that I may navigate without incident, only when I am lucky. Only at the mercy of those who are able hide inside of conformity, and take pleasure in abusing what leverage their position in society provides. Everytime I need to use the bathroom in public, I feel nervous and vulnerable. It genuinely saddens me, and makes me so anxious, knowing that by using the bathroom that aligns with my identity, I may be causing other women to feel unsafe or uncomfortable, if they see my face and are unable to see past my appearance, unable to see me as anything but the man that I was born as. But it's not like I can avoid all controversy by stomaching my own discomfort and using the men's bathroom either. Aside from it being a frightening thing to do, using men's spaces while presenting femininely, it seems to be just as likely to cause some amount of unrest as using the women's room. While many people are understanding, and don't seem to see my gender identity as a reason to dehumanize me, those who do unfortunately affect me the most. Of course, trans people aren't the only group affected by close minded hate, not by a long shot. And no matter who ends up on the receiving end, nothing can ever justify treating another human being with such harmful prejudice. If I'm ever able to, I would love nothing more than to escape those angry people, to go unnoticed by those who would enjoy solidifying what perceivable differences that apparently justify such hateful treatment. It's unfortunate that no matter where I go, there's not a single place on planet earth, that I will be seen the same as the majority of others are, where I can be myself without fearing some amount of retaliation. That being said, it isn't everyone who is able to hope for relief from the differences that attract an ignorant person's malice. Some people will always face some amount of misplaced hate, no matter what. So in this sense, at least I have some chance of escaping prejudice, and becoming nearly indistinguishable from the average member of society. But even more than that, I feel that it's still more important for my mental and emotional well-being, that I feel at home and comfortable in my body. Having my personality align with other's perceptions of me, as well as supporting my sense of humanity could change my life so profoundly, that even with the nearly insurmountable challenge I face in the form of payment, I know that no matter what, I can't give up on this dream. I was born growing fainter, slowly drifting further away from what sense of meaning and self I could perceive, while attempting to fit into the role I was born into. I thought I was doing my best, and I think that in a sense, I was. It wasn't up for debate, I didn't seem to have any choice when it came down to my gender, my role in society as a boy. And so, I repressed my feminity, and as best as I could, followed the path that had been placed so inarguably in front of me. And whenever I did attempt to stray from the norm, to connect with my deeper self, the people around me were there to make sure I felt embarrassed and afraid to express myself in anyway that didn't align with the male role I was expected to fill. At least I can be glad that eventually, even though it took me way too much time, as well as more effort than I ever imagined I was capable of, I did eventually break free of deceivingly comfortable lie I had gotten so used to living. Now that my life feels real, now that I care how it goes, more than I ever had before, the new sense of meaning that now comes inherently alongside my every conscious thought, is a type of challenge I was in no way prepared to face. For every affirming step I take towards my ideal self, I very quickly notice an aspect of my personality that I have been ignoring, or that I was simply unaware that it carried any importance at all. It can be very difficult to witness, but at least I can make those harder decisions, to face what parts of me need improvement, so one day I can be proud of who I've become. The donations that I am begging for, will be used for Facial Feminization Surgery first and foremost, followed by a trancheal shave, and then an orchiectomy if I manage to raise enough. If you have even read this far, I want to thank you, even if you don't decide to donate, your time is valuable, and I'm sure it took quite a bit of it to get through this big ol' hunk of text. For anyone who does decide to donate, genuinely I cannot thank you enough, to me, being able to have FFS would very much change my life, and it really means the world to me. If I do actually end up with the funds to afford the procedure, realistically there isn't ever enough that I could do to properly thank those responsible, or properly convey just how grateful I really am. Sadly, it just isn't something that I ever see myself attaining on my own, and certainly not before my life has progressed to the point that I've missed out on so much, like I already have. I really do my best to live my life as though I am normal, and like I don't have any reasons to be afraid of what other people may think of me for being trans. And I wish so badly I was good at it, at ignoring hateful treatment, or even understanding the awkward discomfort that my presence seems to invoke from certain people as well. I wish I was stronger than I am, but I'm just not. I'm only capable of my best, and for now that can sometimes mean I make certain choices out of fear, even when I know that I shouldn't. But I mean, if it was as easy as just knowing better, to overcome any mental apprehension, I wouldn't be the only one who would suddenly change their habits. Again, thank you so much for your time, I wish all of you the best.