Support Amanda's Fight Against Breast Cancer

Hello, my name is Amanda. I am 45 years old. I have a 15-year-old daughter.

It is with the utmost humility that I present part of my testimony and ask for help. I have recently been diagnosed with Grade 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (Breast Cancer). My axillary lymph nodes are enlarged, and it will be determined with a sentinel lymph node biopsy during my surgery on Monday, December 9th, if it has spread to the nodes.

A little about me. The last three years of my life have been rough, and I have made some grave errors due to addiction, but I am proud to say that by the grace and help of God, I have been in NA recovery for 91 days. In my addiction, I had a couple of jobs that I sabotaged and am trying to recover from. With God and a couple of friends' help, I was able to start my own Construction Cleaning Business while applying for jobs to supplement while I build my business. I also finally had the courage/sobriety to present my list of ailments to my doctor, including a suspected inguinal hernia as well as a lump in my left breast that I've had for some time. As suspected, the hernia requires surgery, and unfortunately, the tumor is indeed cancer. I can’t have the hernia surgery yet because cancer surgery and treatment obviously take priority. Things are moving quickly, which is good. I am on Medicaid, which covers my medical, THANK GOD. This also makes getting a new job right now tricky because I really can’t risk ANY lapse in coverage in the future. If a job comes along that avoids this, I will take it!

My lumpectomy surgery on December 9th is roughly $48,000, and I am extremely fortunate to have it covered along with all the other biopsy and MRI appointments I’ve had in the last month. I meet with the oncologists on December 23rd to determine my radiation treatment plan and whether I will need chemo or not (fingers crossed, NOT). Regardless, I will most likely be on cancer meds for the next five years because my cancer is ER+/PR+ (hormone positive), which is not ideal, but doable, which is good.

The social work team at the hospital can’t see me until January. On my own, I’m applying for some small grants ($200-$400), but these take time to receive. At the lowest of lows, I am reaching out because I have no money whatsoever, and no money for my bills. I am mortified to tell you that my checking account is in the negative $2300 currently. Rent was due 5 days ago, and my landlord called today, in fact, stating tomorrow it must be paid. My phone (& daughter's) is about to get shut off. My internet is getting shut off. My insurance for my business has been canceled. My energy bill is behind. The $1000 car I bought needs a new oil pan and some other work. I literally must put oil in it every time I drive (embarrassing doing this in the Bozeman Hospital parking lot, but, again, I’ve done it, and will continue), which is expensive. I have no car insurance. I am in debt $10,000 to loans that I currently can’t pay back/make payments on. It’s Christmas, and well, bad timing to say the least. I truly can’t sleep at night because I am really at the worst place I’ve ever been in my life. I feel like a complete low-life dirtbag reaching out because I KNOW I have put myself in this position of desperation. I joke to my doctors that I may die of a heart attack before I lay on the table because my blood pressure is through the roof. I don’t know what to do.

Please note, I do NOT feel sorry for MYSELF. I just FEEL SORRY.

Alanis Morissette once sang, "Isn't it Ironic?", and I can't help but sing this song in my head hourly as just when I am turning my life around, I get sick. It also crosses my mind that perhaps I deserve this in lieu of my past self-destructive behaviors and life-ruining mistakes, and I am sorry to those I hurt along the way. I also believe that God is going to carry me through this just like he has helped me throughout my entire life. I also feel very blessed that my cancer is treatable, unlike so many others. I am very thankful for the chance to watch my daughter grow up and be even closer than ever to her. There is definitely a lot of good that comes from this life-changing experience.

I am putting all vanity and ego aside when I post this, and regardless of the outcome, I sincerely pray that I will be able to help people in the future from my experience. I’ve been around the block, so to speak, and I do believe my story can help others, and perhaps I will find my true calling out of all of this. I’ve been a believer since I was eight years old, and if I know one thing, it’s by his blood shed for us that we can survive this cruel world. God is Good even if our anger and stubbornness blocks our ability to see it, he is ALWAYS there…. He saved a wretch like me!

I have debated doing this and even sharing my entire story, to avoid humiliation and for fear of judgment, and to guard my already blasted self-worth. Posting this might be scarier than cancer, but I will say that I have a strange peace in my heart with tears down my face in being able to share some of my testimony. Thank you very much for reading. I love you all and I wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas.

Love Always,

Amanda