Exhausted Human in Need of Support

Hello friends and family,

This is excruciatingly uncomfortable, but it's way past time. I have more support needs than I have cared to admit, and I need help. Financial, emotional, practical - all of it.

I started this year being signed off work for several months, after reaching a state of burnout last December. I am still physically and mentally, but most of all emotionally, exhausted, and unable to work more than a handful of hours per week. I am getting the maximum amount of benefits I am entitled to, and am engaging with as much professional support as I can find/afford. I am behind with my rent and bills and the surprise expenses keep cropping up. My car broke down a couple weeks ago and the clutch needs replacing, which has been quoted at £600-£700. I feel very isolated and dependent without it, and I need it for work and for driving to collect my kids. Money raised will firstly be used to get my car back on the road, and then to pay off overdue bills. If we get past that point, I will invest an extra in more therapy!

I finally have an ADHD assessment appointment tomorrow (26th Aug) after a 2 year wait since getting the process started, and however it goes I have many years of being in denial about struggling to cope to recover from. I think I have PTSD from being a stay at home mum for 5 years without the kind of support I needed, which I haven't been able to fully address yet, and so much internalised shame and ableism.

I am officially divorced now but still haven't come to an agreement around financial settlement or child custody as it took me nearly a year to fill out the very lengthy financial disclosure form. I am in a place of overwhelm but have had so little energy to communicate that I haven't done much reaching out to anyone other than immediate family and very close friends. I also still have a voice in my head telling me this is all my fault, I should never have left the stability of my marriage if I couldn't cope on my own, I'm playing the victim, everyone struggles with parenting and adulting and I'm just being dramatic/attention seeking/lazy, the emotional abuse and post-separation abuse I've been experiencing is all in my head/a big misunderstanding and that people will think I'm greedy or entitled by asking for money. Not kind, not helpful, and (almost certainly) not true. My brain feels like a messy pretzel.

But I do have another voice in me, one that has thankfully been getting stronger, which tells me there is no shame in advocating for myself and asking for what I need. I need support. I need the people around me to know what I'm dealing with and to know that I'm struggling, and to not feel alone. I have that voice to thank for getting me this far!

I've spent all day writing this, and if I don't finish it soon it will end up never getting finished, so I need to wrap up. Here's some extra info:

-I may end up needing to go to court for a child arrangement order

-Unilateral parenting decisions are being made without me, such as both kids now being home schooled

-Their dad has a new partner which I have heard him and my children reference as 'mum'

-Willow and Noah haven't had an overnight at my house for over a year and refused to see me for 7 weeks straight earlier this year

I know times are tough for a lot of people right now and there are many who need extra help and support, but I also know there are people who have resources to share and energy to help. Sometimes I am one of those people, but right now I am not. If you are financially stable and able to make a donation of any amount it would be greatly appreciated. If you are in a tight spot financially but still want (and have energy) to help, here are some other ways you can support me:

•Walks/swims/cuppas/chats

•Feed me - invite me over for dinner and a change of scenery or drop off some vegetarian food when you have enough to share

•Body doubling - just your presence in my house, doing your own thing, helps me focus and get on with the things I need to do that I struggle with (cleaning, organising, planning, paperwork/admin)

•Willingness to talk about personal experiences of parental alienation/the family court system, neurodivergence (in particular neurodivergence in motherhood) and emotional abuse

•Send me cute/funny videos to make me laugh

Thank you for reading, and thank you for being part of my life.

Much love,

Sarah xxx