Eviction Threatens After Mother's Loss

I am really tired. I often can’t recall if I have ever been this tired, of this life. I have tried to properly write this… and lost my information twice. It seems indicative of my life these days. Chaotic and topsy turvey.I am starting this fundraiser  to raise money while I wait on disability. During the time mom was living with me I got hurt at work.What should have been worker’s compensation became a disability case.The nightmare of losing my mom AND trying to pay bills as I wait has been so stressful. The working life I had is gone… and so is my mom.Its an incredible mountain to scale-yet I do it daily.

I struggle to start this.I really feel no one cares anyway.I guess maybe that’s not true but in my heart it feels like none of it matters.I make people feel that I am ok..but I wonder why they don’t know I’m not.

When someone dies it feels horrible.You experience the impossible feeling of loss-and you know you have to deal with a new world.A world without that person.

Everything becomes new and ugly in seconds.No matter what I do,I can’t hold my moms hand again.I can’t see heart eyes.I can’t sing with her.I have to feel the loss of that everyday for the rest of my life.

My loss is worse.I didn’t just lose my mom.I lost my reason.Simply put I have no real reason to even WANT a life now.I gave every part of my life to taking care of my mom.Every single thing about my life now is so incredibly hard.

I can’t sleep well and every single thing I do is just hard.I was mommy’s sole caregiver so I wasn't working.I knew what the prognosis was…but I was never prepared.I also didn’t know that a part of me would die.

I willingly gave up myself,my life to make sure she lacked nothing.Alzheimers broke into our lives and started to destroy us.Mom had the disease but in many ways it lived in me too.I would often dream that mommy was calling me,even when she was sleeping. I can’t seem to stop my thoughts long enough to grieve properly.

On top of this I can’t work,which also means I face eviction each month and my lights going out…all the time.I want so badly to catch up on the rent.How do I do that without income. I have sought public help…but there is none.There is shame though.A lot to go around.All I did was take care of my mom.I have to ask for help and there is so much shame that people place on you.

I have always led a productive life.I live in a wholesome way- and I make good choices.None of it prepared me for this. I am suppose to be getting a handle on the grief….but I am two months behind on rent and struggling to take care of basic personal needs.I just need some help.I need someone to understand…and help with this financial burden that is bleeding into my whole life.

I think if I can get the load lifted from the financial hardship ,maybe I can start to find out who I am.I just want to not feel sad…afraid.Wondering what will happen next..Grief takes away your floor board and you just seem to constantly fall.I am just asking for any help …in any way possible.