Erica's Trauma Recovery

This is a very vulnerable thing. Please be kind! I don't think I have ever been honest about the extent of the trauma I experienced, but it was huge. And it's taking a lot of time and resources to recover from that.

I experienced and witnessed psychological, sexual, emotional, and physical abuse, as well as neglect, malnourishment, abandonment, and infrequent access to love and care from the age of 6 til the age of 15. I lived in 21 places before i turned 12. Only 4 of these places were houses. The rest were caravans and sheds. There was leaks, mould, and infestations. sometimes no electricity. sometimes drinking water that made me sick. Traumas happened every day. There are too many to count. my everyday life was not safe. There was not just moments of trauma, but a traumatic context in which I lived. My attachment to my primary carers were traumatic. My environments themselves were not safe or comfortable. There was a constant and unrelenting threat of violence. My primary caregivers were engaged in religious delusions that included a belief that I was possessed by the devil, that i was attention seeking, and that I was bad. My brain developed multiple identity states so that some of me could hold traumas & my response to them, while others went to school & did well. Now, 10 years later, I am coming to terms with the fact that this actually happened to me. I have always known it - but it felt like someone else’s memories - and those memories felt two dimensional. Now the memories are starting to feel real - and not only that - I am starting to feel like they happened to me.

I have been crying, resting, crying, resting - for days now. I am realising not only that what I went through was so wordlessly awful, but that I have been disabled by it for several years. My brain went through its most important periods of development in the context of immense trauma.

I have put all my energy the past five years into reducing my symptoms & healing - but it’s taken this long just to’ve arrived at a place where I can acknowledge what has happened to me, talk about it, and grieve for it. It takes a very long time to heal from this kind of trauma. And I’ve been doing well lately. Through therapy & the correct diagnosis, I am far more peaceful and grounded. But I spend all my energy keeping myself that way. As soon as I think the work is over, I realise there is more work to be done. And I am only just now entering into this phase of grief. It’s a big phase. It feels physically painful. There’s also a lot more practical rehabilitation in my future than I realised. The reality is that I have been in and out of hospital for the better part of the last five years. I’ve had to go through lots of phases of development that I didn’t get to experience growing up. Recovery from trauma such as this is huge and life changing.

I didn’t realise how long it would take, and I’m still coming to terms with that. Coming to terms with the fact that this has been, and still is, a disability. And that it’s real and valid. And that I shouldn’t be so sorry for taking such a long time. But I am - deeply sorry. And I guess reaching out for help in this way - even though I have done a similar thing in the past - is a way for me to say to myself that I do matter. I haven’t worked not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. And now, in this phase of deep deep grief, I am realising more than ever that I need help. I thought I would be well enough to get back into things a little sooner. But I’m not. I need to spend all my energy staying safe and grieving. Getting back into things will be a big learning curve for me - a lot of rehabilitation in terms of normal life stuff.

I’m asking for money here so that I can continue to give myself what I need while I go through this process of grief and rehabilitation. Its also reaching out and acknowledging that hey, I was abused for the majority of my childhood. Of course I need help. Of course I am different to other people. I want to show myself I can ask for what I need, even though it feels immensely shameful. I currently live on the disability support pension, which means I’m on a very tight budget in terms of food and rent. I am essentially seeking some extra dollars to help with my financial security, especially during this time of immense grief and processing and eventually rehabilitation.

I am also asking for community. If you can’t help with finances, I’d really love some more community & connection. I’m sorry I’ve not been very good at this. I’m learning that I need other people to help me learn how to form stable attachments. I need help with how to be a good and close and secure friend. I didn’t learn this growing up, but I want to start learning it now. I want to form relationships that feel open and vulnerable and true. I want to be held in my grief and I want to hold you in yours. It would mean a lot to me if you’d like to be friends in this new phase of my life and my recovery. I’m learning that I really need others & I am open and aware now of my shortfalls as a friend. I want relationships that we can use as spaces of safety and connection and coregulation. I need to be honest in the future & express that I am in recovery from very extreme trauma - and that impacts my relationships. I feel vulnerable & sometimes childlike. Sometimes I feel unwanted and hurt. Sometimes I feel playful and expressive. And I would like some help to reconnect with loved ones and new friends in this time. There’s lots I don’t understand - but there’s lots I do. If you’ve also experienced trauma, I want to cry with you and hold space for you. I’ve just got a lot more healing to go than I realised. And so this is me reaching out, again. I hope that’s okay, and that you’re okay.

Lots of love. Erica.