Empower Nadine's Path to a Brighter Future

Becoming Everything I Needed

My name is Nadine Caple-Shaw, I’m 41 years old and I was born in Brooklyn, NY. I grew up in two mentally, emotionally and physically abusive homes. Attended several different high schools but graduated from Wilbur Cross High in New Haven, Connecticut. I applied to several colleges but my acceptance letters were held from me from my mother.

After being kicked out of my home approximately one week after graduation, I engaged in emotionally abusive relationships, and fell in love with narcissists. Dating people who held characteristics of my abusers was familiar, the love bombing brought comfort, and I was secretly honored for the bread crumbing.

My loyalty became my oppression. I agreed to sleep in shed’s, walk in snow storms alone to obtain their vices, I’ve help raise children that weren’t mine, I cashed my scholarships to help save people from being executed. I never had a safe space to go into detail about my traumatic experiences to anyone, I went mute for a few years, and suffered from sexual trauma.

I tried my best to become an alchemist before I even knew what the word meant. I used abuse, violence, and my trauma to compel be to obtain my bachelors. I attended community college and excelled despite homelessness. I went to Job Corp as well.I was undiagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma Hodgkin’s Disease. I became unrecognizable. I couldn’t walk, groom myself, unable to wear lotion, drink orange juice or do simple things like brush my teeth. I suffered from mouth sores, my (tiger resembled )skin became very easy to tear. Vessels in my eyes popped from constant vomiting. Routinely, I crawled through my hallway to the kitchen, for 2 hours, for a glass of water.

I was moved back to Connecticut for proper care from Yale New Haven Hospital because Grady Hospital neglected and constantly embarrassed me. I got through chemotherapy by attending school for medical assisting, and tried to hold a job. It took me four years to graduate a one year program. The only people who clapped for me were my instructors that knew my situation. None of the current students knew who I was and no additional support was in attendance.

I found gratitude in surviving so much this far but I became a wanderer, I couldn’t sit still. My father who I was becoming closer to, could not understand it. I suffered very quietly mentally, emotionally and was trying to present myself in a healthier manner physically. The last time I saw him I was 80 pounds.

I moved to New Jersey after he died, the grief was indescribable. I had to bury him three times mentally to process he was gone. I became an alcoholic and took pills to self medicate.

I had to become my own superhero and make a move. I applied to Montclair State University, with no medication nor therapy. I pushed myself but needed to step away a few semesters because the manic depression was overwhelmingly paralyzing to me. However, I always kept trying to keep pushing, so I’d pick myself up and register for the following semester. I’ve been admitted to a few psych wards none of which were able to diagnose my schizophrenic and bipolar. Still, I was passing my courses.

Montclair stated that I couldn’t return until a balance was paid and I no longer could get financial aid. I strongly believe it was orchestrated by the divine to help me focus on resting and finding a way to recover. I’m connected to a long term therapist, overcame the trials with finding the right medication, discovered the art of detachment, calling my power back to me, and in close connection me to two wonderful women who are my mentors that really pour into me.

I’ve given myself time to grieve. I forgave versions of myself that helped me survive. There was blessings in my humiliations, stages of an alchemical awakening. I needed to witness that my creator was with me the entire ride and that I’d been given a spirit that could evolve in toxicity. Attending school now, would be more healthier and safer for me while I studied for my degree(s) now. I've decided to obtain a nursing degree with the long term goal of becoming a mental health therapist. I want to be everything I needed for someone else.

This is most difficult. I would be extremely grateful to all who only felt moved spiritually to offer some assistance but I would be more blessed to believe I planted a seed to just inspire someone.

Thank You,

NCS