EMERGENCY HELP FOR A TRANS REFUGEE

Updated version of the text published on 21.07.2023.

TW: War, racism, sexism, heterosexism, homophobia

This GoFundMe is my only source of support.

Outside of the emergency fundraiser, I am not financially provided for by either my family, friends, partner, or any organisation.

Due to a stroke I suffered in July, I am taking the time to recover.

Hi, my name is Sofia, and this is my story.

I flocked to Berlin with the start of 2022 searching for a community of queer and trans people. My first apartment in Berlin was a shared flat with several older German roommates. On the day I moved to my empty room, the country I was born and left 11 years ago, got swallowed by a totalitarian regime and went into war. I knew I could never return, these 9 square meters becoming my only home. Despite my desire to make it, or, rather because of it, I fell victim to an increasingly violent environment of my new house. The gnawing urge to establish my life in Berlin now was spent on catering to explosive temperaments, withstanding discrimination and fighting off demands for unpaid labour, be it physical or emotional. With the raising in-flow of refugees, I felt no right to search for another place in the already-scarce market. Gradual erasure of boundaries, coercive control, verbal and economical abuse, DON’T BE SO SENSITIVE, SOFIA!, inability to rest, and a constant state of agitated fear led to my fear of returning home in the evenings. I lost access to my health insurance due to correspondence not being delivered to me, and not having the calm environment to get it sorted. Once the streets started to feel safer than my house, I knew I had to leave. Mechanics of emotional abuse had entangled me in such ways, that even when violated, I was ridden with guilt. I moved out in December, while still paying rent and not collecting deposit. My belongings, packed in a hurry, have not been unpacked in a new home.

On the New Year’s Eve 2023, I developed fever. I spent the next months working every job to afford moving to a new place, with a constant, now habitual, body temperature at burning 38°C. In March, it got to 39°C: double-sided pneumonia and risk of myocarditis.

The day I got back from the ER, I was waiting for my then-partner’s mother to bring me medicine. Instead of providing, she locked me in the apartment screaming death threats in a violent outburst that lasted several long hours. I escaped by messaging friends from the bathroom, who drove to release me. At that time, I could not understand I was leaving one dangerous environment for the other; I thought I was being gentle with people in recovery. I lost another home in Berlin, and found myself completely isolated, without home country I could fly back to, financial security, or a network of support. 

At Patti Smith’s concert, I saw FKA twigs sitting one row in front of me. I red twig’s interview ‘It’s A Miracle I Came Out Alive’ on my way from the show to friends’ couch I was crashing on. Reading the story has weighted off my shame of surviving abuse — “It can happen to anyone”. 

In the aftermath of the attack, I suffered from severe PTSD and panic attacks. I lost sleep, and I have not restored my sleep schedule it to this day. After the course of antibiotics was over, I began rebuilding my life. I sought emergency counselling, and was able to fight off flashbacks without PTSD aggravating to worse. I asked for anti-stalking protection and got assistance with filing police reports. And I sought for immigration lawyer’s advice, and learned my rights for refuge. Having to re-tell my story put me in a cycle of re-traumatisation, without the necessary space and time to process the trauma. Unaccustomed to ask for help, or appear dependable, I was expecting to overcome the difficulties alone. The pressure I put on myself, and the strive to regain stability as fast as I could, have put my body into further distress, resulting into a stroke I survived in July. I went to an immigration lawyer’s appointment the next day after the stroke, asking to be discharged at my own responsibility. It took me time to realise, that in order to survive, I must ask for help. The fact that you’re reading this right now means I won the battle against own expectation of self-sufficiency, and I am learning to receive help. It also means, that the worst is behind. There is still, however, a long way to a safe place, and to take it from here, I need your help.

I am currently applying for refuge, as Berlin is the only place where I can continue receiving gender-affirming care. I need your help with covering lawyer’s fees to make a case that would assure my survival. I need to move to my own space. And I require time off, in which I could rest and comb through paperwork. Once I recover, I am planning to start working in one of the organisations that saved my life — my way of repaying people of Berlin for coming through for someone new who just moved to the city, and for trust and belief in me that ignited and led me through and out.

Thank you for reading and making to this point. Here is how you can support me:

Please understand that vulnerability comes at expense of my safety, and I truly would not have created an emergency fundraiser should I have other options. What I went through last year has been a horrendous trail of experiences, and recovery being the hardest battle I ever fought. Please consider donating, share if you can, especially to those who are in a position to donate. Every cent counts right now, any remaining amount will be directly redistributed to others in need. Thank you!

With heartfelt gratitude,

Sofia