Embracing Vulnerability: Funding for a Fertility Journey

Here is my story that I want to share with you.

From the time I was young, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was almost always mother. There are stories of my great care-taking skills of my younger brother, while my mom was recovering from cancer and exhausted by the prospect of children. Stories of how I single handedly babysat whole neighborhoods of children quite successfully. Babies who never went to anyone else jumped into my arms. There was never any doubt that I was good with children and would one day have my own.

Life just kept going with so many great adventures to say yes to… and say yes I did. I built a tall ship in an abandoned military base, sailed it to Lake Michigan and joined in on a crazy adventure that involved the Caribbean and some pirates. I travel nursed all across the country. I went to school- a few times. I learned new things and kept on moving. I went from labor and delivery nurse to Certified Nurse Midwife. I have delivered well over 8K babies into the arms and hearts of their own families. I fell in love with a community of artists and dove into participating in art and community in new ways. I have probably asked you for financial support for other artists' dreams or projects at some time. I kept thinking that love and family would come and while it has in so many ways, it has not come in that one way I truly want.

It is so hard for me to ask for help for myself, and I am realizing that may be one of the lessons this experience is setting out to teach me. Over the last 2 years, I have tried many options to conceive a baby. I have kept this pretty close to the vest, convinced I could do it on my own. Interestingly enough, I cannot. I need to be open and vulnerable, and ask my community for their support.

And so here is my ask. Can you help support me financially in this next step?

While all other options have seemingly been exhausted, the next step for me is a second round of IVF. I was told when beginning that I should plan for 3 cycles. I held out hope that one could be enough, that one would be enough. It was not. I was not successful with the one shot I took. Having already exhausted my own finances, all my credit and other personal options… a second round is out of my reach on my own.

My first round started off really well. I took all the medications. I made myself a pincushion. I was so bruised and sore and uncomfortable and never in my life so happy to feel so miserable. I tracked and measured and did everything recommended for success. During my retrieval, they obtained 12 follicles! Eight of those were mature. Five went on to fertilize and 2 went for genetic testing. I ended up with one genetically normal healthy embryo. My hopes were so high that one was enough, one was all it would take. My transfer also went well. I had a beautiful compilation of songs shared by a small group of friends- a playlist to meditate to, and be open and ready to receive. A few weeks later, I was sobbing over a positive pregnancy test. It was all worth it, it worked, I was pregnant!

It was a short lived happiness. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage just a few weeks later. At what should have been an exciting 8 week ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. The highs and lows of a fertility journey are so very extreme. While this was a devastatingly sad experience, it really reinforced how much I want this. It's not a small side desire in my life. It is the biggest dream I hold.

It is a big ask for that big dream. I have considered this from so many angles, I have done extensive therapy about it and know that in my heart I both want and am meant to be a mother. I need to try everything that I can to make this dream a reality. Including being vulnerable. The chance to grow a baby and parent them would mean everything to me. I cannot imagine leaving any stone unturned and trying everything possible to achieve this- even knowing that it may not happen. I have to try. Please, if you can, help me. And if you can’t, I really appreciate you reading this far.

I am open to sharing more with you, if you are interested in hearing the details of my journey. Please reach out to me! I feel happy and excited to share this with you- my friends, family, friends of friends and those reading this. I still have some fears around larger social media platforms and the responses that I may get that could be negative, judgmental or hurtful. I am hopeful that I can accomplish raising these funds the more old fashioned way, sharing directly through text and email to people that are known.

Again, thank you for your support in all of the ways it takes shape in my life.