- M
- S
- K
I am completely humbled as I sit here, attempting to write something sharing my heart, my experience so far, and most importantly our son Elijah. On Wednesday March 3rd, 2021 my husband and I headed to our anatomy ultrasound and doctor’s appointment. Our world came to an abrupt stop when we learned, just minutes into the ultrasound, they could not detect our son’s heartbeat. I was being ushered from the ultrasound room, to an appointment room, to discuss exactly what this meant and what decisions my husband and I would face next. I was admitted into the hospital within an hour or so to start the induction process. I was in labor for almost 36 hours before finally giving birth to our son Elijah. During these 36 hours we were forced to sit with our feelings and had to start navigating through so many questions and scenarios that no parent is prepared for.
We had decided that when the time came we wanted the opportunity to hold our son. We were prepared about his size, possible tissue decay, and even being able to see physical deformities. Baby Eli was born on Thursday March 4th around 10:45p, he was bigger than my hand, weighing 130g… and he was perfect… but this didn’t help… I was just overwhelmed with guilt and sadness- all he needed was a little more time. Time I could not give him. We were accompanied shortly after his birth by the hospital Chaplin who stayed with us and said the most perfect prayer for our little boy. It was when she asked if she could hold our son, which she did with such gentleness, even rocking him as if he was sleeping, that I knew this was not a dream. This was real… he was real… our loss was real... and we still had very real decisions to face.
There is a ministry called Precious Lives through the Catholic Archdiocese of Denver. This ministry provides burial services to families who have experienced the unexpected loss of a child in pregnancy or birth. I was so reassured that somewhere out there was a safe place that I could send my baby; a place that had just some of the details figured out for us. There is a designated burial once a month for all babies from local hospitals to have a place to rest. In the process of working with Mt. Olivet, my husband and I have decided that we want to have a private burial for our son Elijah, but there is just so much more to this piece of our story.
When a baby is born at St. Anthony North, there is a sweet lullaby chime that plays throughout the Labor and Delivery floor. During my stay people didn’t quite know how to act or respond around me when this lullaby played. For me it only brought peace and joy, even if only for a moment, because I have been blessed to experience that moment when the wait and anticipation meet the cry of your healthy baby. If anything, we now truly understand how delicate that moment really is from a whole new perspective. Even in my moments of knowing loss like I never dreamt I would, my heart hurt for mothers who faced this same dreadful outcome. Especially facing these mountains further in the pregnancy, when even more effort has been taken to prepare their home for a beautiful baby.
This is why we have decided to set up this GoFundMe fundraiser. Some of the funds will go towards the funeral arrangements for Elijah. It has been placed on our hearts to make a substantial donation to the Precious Lives ministry in honor of our son Elijah Stewart. Bringing awareness to such an amazing ministry- one you would not know of unless you needed to utilize their services and support. I have learned that this ministry will provide a private burial for families with the loss of their baby after 21 weeks gestational age at no cost to the family. For the first time I feel peace and purpose for this storm we are going through. My son Elijah has possibly given me the best gift… a completely different perspective of the opportunities I have with our other children and just how fragile and precious life really is. Until I can see him again, I will do my best to make him proud, that starts with honoring his life through this ministry. Thank you for taking the time to read this. More important than any monetary donations, are your prayers for our son and other families who know this loss.
We had decided that when the time came we wanted the opportunity to hold our son. We were prepared about his size, possible tissue decay, and even being able to see physical deformities. Baby Eli was born on Thursday March 4th around 10:45p, he was bigger than my hand, weighing 130g… and he was perfect… but this didn’t help… I was just overwhelmed with guilt and sadness- all he needed was a little more time. Time I could not give him. We were accompanied shortly after his birth by the hospital Chaplin who stayed with us and said the most perfect prayer for our little boy. It was when she asked if she could hold our son, which she did with such gentleness, even rocking him as if he was sleeping, that I knew this was not a dream. This was real… he was real… our loss was real... and we still had very real decisions to face.
There is a ministry called Precious Lives through the Catholic Archdiocese of Denver. This ministry provides burial services to families who have experienced the unexpected loss of a child in pregnancy or birth. I was so reassured that somewhere out there was a safe place that I could send my baby; a place that had just some of the details figured out for us. There is a designated burial once a month for all babies from local hospitals to have a place to rest. In the process of working with Mt. Olivet, my husband and I have decided that we want to have a private burial for our son Elijah, but there is just so much more to this piece of our story.
When a baby is born at St. Anthony North, there is a sweet lullaby chime that plays throughout the Labor and Delivery floor. During my stay people didn’t quite know how to act or respond around me when this lullaby played. For me it only brought peace and joy, even if only for a moment, because I have been blessed to experience that moment when the wait and anticipation meet the cry of your healthy baby. If anything, we now truly understand how delicate that moment really is from a whole new perspective. Even in my moments of knowing loss like I never dreamt I would, my heart hurt for mothers who faced this same dreadful outcome. Especially facing these mountains further in the pregnancy, when even more effort has been taken to prepare their home for a beautiful baby.
This is why we have decided to set up this GoFundMe fundraiser. Some of the funds will go towards the funeral arrangements for Elijah. It has been placed on our hearts to make a substantial donation to the Precious Lives ministry in honor of our son Elijah Stewart. Bringing awareness to such an amazing ministry- one you would not know of unless you needed to utilize their services and support. I have learned that this ministry will provide a private burial for families with the loss of their baby after 21 weeks gestational age at no cost to the family. For the first time I feel peace and purpose for this storm we are going through. My son Elijah has possibly given me the best gift… a completely different perspective of the opportunities I have with our other children and just how fragile and precious life really is. Until I can see him again, I will do my best to make him proud, that starts with honoring his life through this ministry. Thank you for taking the time to read this. More important than any monetary donations, are your prayers for our son and other families who know this loss.