If you know me, you know I don’t ever reach out for help. I’ve learned to struggle in silence. This past month has brought me to a point of feeling like I’m drowning - mentally and physically. November 11th I started getting severe back pain - to the point I couldn’t move. I tried the chiropractor, pain meds, etc. Nothing helped. The pain would come and go depending on the day so I chalked it up to just your average back pain. This past Saturday, I knew something was wrong. The pain knocked me to my knees. I couldn’t breathe. I could feel the pain shooting to my stomach. Not being able to afford an ambulance ride, Zach had to carry me to the car and rush me to the emergency room. After pain meds and CT scans, nobody told me anything was wrong. They sent me home with muscle relaxers and didn’t say another word. Monday - the pain was still there. I was turning yellow in my skin and my eyes. Something was still wrong. Zach left work and met me and we went to a different emergency room. They knew right away I had gallstone's because of my reports from Saturday, which the prior ER failed to tell me about. I was admitted to the hospital that day. I needed to have an ERCP done to clear the blockage the gallstone created - and then would need to have an emergency gallbladder removal. After being transported to St Luke’s for the ERCP - I was brought back to Lakeland where things should have been fine. They weren’t. I developed pancreatitis from the procedure. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep unless I was doped on morphine. Two days later - moved to sepsis watch due to my fever and increased heart rate of 130. It was the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life, and still do. 6 days away from my beautiful babies at home, who are worried and don’t understand why their parents aren’t home. The worst possible time of year to be stuck in the hospital - the holidays. I spent thanksgiving in a hospital bed. The day before, my husband went to work so he wouldn’t lose his holiday pay. I struggled to work from the hospital despite of everything, for the same reason. It’s not the time of year we can afford to be off so many days in a row. Saturday, 11/25 - finally discharged from the hospital. Still in pain. Still don’t have full function of my body. My babies want to play, and mommas stuck in bed. My babies have me home, but only for a few days. I go back to the hospital this Wednesday for the surgery to remove my gallbladder. Which, should be a quick easy surgery. But the ERCP was supposed to be the same way. I don’t know what lies in store for me recovery wise come Wednesday. But I do know, my husband can’t be there with me because of the simple fact we can’t afford to keep missing work. My emotional support person has to send me for a surgery without him so we can provide for our kids. On top of the endless medical bills that are coming our way. The most magical time of the year has turned into the scariest for us. So many times I have asked myself this week, what did I do to deserve this pain? I do believe in the power of prayer, and that if God brings me to it, he’ll bring me through it. That has been hard for me to remember this week. But I’m trying. I know times are hard, for everyone. And if you can’t donate, a simple prayer is just as appreciated.