In march I will be 4 years free of alcohol.

Cocaine as well.They were a package deal.

I had Worked in Bars and restaurants for 20 years and one morning after a night shift I knew this hangover,that black-out, was my last.I also knew I had to leave the only career path I knew.

The withdrawal was long bouts of super human stomach flu with a twist of horrible back pain, but my mind got clearer,my vision got better and I felt the changes.I got a CPAP and was learning to sleep properly.I was proud of my self for the first time in a very long time.

I am in withdrawal again.

I did not relapse.

I took that runners high from getting sober and decided it was finally time to deal with my lousy wrist.A recent fall had brought back old issues with my right wrist and my doctor recommended surgery to sever the nerves completely, the wrist would "hurt" but I wouldn't feel it.

I was prescribed Percocet to deal with the pain.

I have been addicted since.

I tried CAMH and spent 2 days at the Sherbourne and Carlton Non Medical Unit.That was a poor choice by the dispatcher, I will leave it at that, although happy to explain.

After I checked out,my doctor and I worked out a plan and I've been slowly weening since.

In November it will be 1 year since I checked myself into CAMH and subsequently started my Opioid withdrawal.

It has been hard to work and be as sick as I have these last few months especially.I was ready for the physical symptoms,but my mind isn't clearer,just the opposite and those symptoms have been around for a year now.

I was not ready for how much my mind would betray me in this, lying to myself and the paranoia.I don't feel myself,but then this is the new norm,so maybe I do.

Then this last month I discovered early one morning that I Have Bedbugs.Anyone who has had them knows that feeling of nauseous realization.

I got back to bed from using the bathroom, saw one scurrying under a pillow.I was mortified,slept on my couch and woke up the next morning with new purpose.I searched for them all over and found them all over.

I have had to throw so much of my apartment out,it feels like were living in an empty shell.They got into my CPAP machine,not sleeping well this last month has tested my strength.

I had to throw out a large portion of winter clothes and bedding.

The fight is ongoing,I still live with them and the exterminators spraying every ten days ensures my apartments skeletal dècor.

I have reached the point where asking for help is my only option,so why not try?

My hope with all of this,is to make enough money to get through this winter.

If you are in a position where you can help with a few bucks,I would be so grateful.Thank you for reading,even if you cant.

Please feel free to email with any helpful tips or anecdotes that can shed light on the dark path I'm on.

All my love.

-Sam

Update:I have been floored by the generosity of my friends and complete strangers.Thank you for helping me with rent,food for Bandit and myself.Brought a smile to my face that hasn’t left.

Ill update again soon.

-Sam