Domestic Violence & Divorce: Help Needed!
Donation protected
To my LGBTQ+ Family,
I’m sharing the story of my friend Eric, who is the survivor of an abusive and toxic relationship. He needs your help and support. PLEASE consider donating and PLEASE share wide and far across your social accounts.
This is his story (which I have consent to share):
“I’ve been married for almost 12 year to a man whom I love very deeply. We have children from his first marriage - and I love these kids as my own.
Over the past two years, I’ve been forced to do a lot of self discovery. I changed jobs pre and mid-pandemic. In the middle of the pandemic I suffered a major heart attack, requiring 5 stents. I wasn’t living a healthy life. I rarely exercised, I ate emotionally and for comfort, I was consumed by work, family, and school.
I work full-time and have been the primary support for our family financially.
It wasn’t until I began to take care of myself, that I discovered that I was unhappy with a major portion of my life - my husband and how he treated and controlled me. I have loved my husband unconditionally, but in exploring myself, I found he has not been loving me or treating me with respect for me as a person, let alone a spouse. Over the past several years there had been a disconnect, particularly following the development of a relationship with his friends David and David. He wouldn’t go to therapy, threatening to leave me if I ever asked him to. He dismissed my feelings, my needs, and my safety.
When I have shared feedback in conversation regarding my feelings, I found (and continue to find) myself being gaslighted. His lying, his actions, my feelings, and all other problems were my fault. He would apologize, but not for his actions, for me feeling bad. “I’m sorry you feel sad, upset, angry.” I found myself so often reversing course and apologizing myself, to keep the peace - I was scared.
Conversely, I always tried hard to hear and understand my husband’s perspective, but I never received the same courtesy or respect in turn. He would (and still does) tell family, coworkers, friends, community members, and strangers how I reacted - from shutting down, being avoidant, reclusive, melancholy, tearful, anxious, depressed, mad. He never told them what led up to it, or at least his actions leading up to it. He positioned himself as the victim. In essence, I was not permitted to feel mad, sad, or hurt - and if I did, it was my fault, he had no responsibility for his actions.
Adding complexity - our finances are very intertwined, and because of information and decisions I was not privy to or included in (him signing up for credit, utilities, etc under my name and occasionally jointly) my credit has suffered terribly went from mid 600s to high 400s.
I talked at great length privately with my father and step-mother and both expressed concern. I’ve spoken with a therapist with 25 years Domestic Violence experience who agrees , though I love my husband I’m stuck in a dangerous and abusive relationship. I needed to bite the bullet and file for divorce.
This became increasingly evident when I became aware he was monitoring my movement and my interactions, installed cameras inside the house (versus out), accessed and manipulated my devices when I was sleeping, lying about paying bills in my name but paying his own and telling me he hadn’t. It grew worse, he spat in my face, pushed me, yelled inches from my face, held me and wouldn’t let go (demanding sex), elbowing me in the stomach, wrapping his hands around my neck and choking me, he had become physical to the point of bruising and breaking skin. The last event I knew I needed to leave - he pushed me down the stairs. This happened most often happened behind closed doors. He would antagonize, intimidate and harass me in our bedroom, knowing family or friends were around, pushing me repeatedly to react, till I could not help but cry or scream. I looked like the irrational one, he relied on that. When he would become physical, it was always after people had left. I was always alone.
Money has been completely controlled by my husband, though my parents suggested setting up a checking account that only I had access to, and I contributing 20 a paycheck when I could. I hoped to have time, to grow this safety net and use this money to file for divorce and a safe place to stay. I needed to stay local enough to keep my job.
Could I have saved more? Could the bills get paid and not be overdue? Yes. My husband enjoys shopping and spending money - buying items that weren’t needed or luxuries. He would say he paid the bills, but he didn’t. I received letters and phone calls from creditors and debt collectors. He told me he paid these bills and that it must have “passed” in the mail. Some have even been charged off, under my name and on my credit report for years to come.
I am stuck in a black hole and I don’t know how to get out. I live in the northeast US, and while there are resources for individuals (women and children), they overwhelmingly ignore the needs of LGBTQ+ members. I called shelters but I didn’t qualify or they were full due to the pandemic.
All of my local “friends” have overwhelmingly been friends of my husband first, and me by association - so I have and continue to find trustworthy, natural supports. Many who have already chosen sides, who have blindly accepted his narrative of me “abandoning my family and finances.”
I feel so alone, thoughts of being better off dead or gone circling in my head. That I’m unworthy of love, kindness or respect. I constantly feel guilty I left. From the family, the pets and the fleeting positive memories all gone. I left all that I loved behind - furniture, cookware, gifts, and luxuries of my & our shared life. I only took clothes, medicine, and a few other essentials. Only what could fit in my car.
I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am in this position, that I need to ask for help. I’m embarrassed that this could happen to me, that I didn’t see the signs. I don’t know how I might possibly recover from this despair, let alone the financial turmoil he has left me in. I am thankful for your consideration, and appreciative of any kindness and generosity I may receive.”
Thank you for reading his story. Times are tough, but Eric needs your support, in money and in spirit.
Please donation AND share the link with as widely as possible across your social media accounts. With our community of support, we can help Eric escape this continuous cycle of manipulation, intimidation and abuse - it could help save his life, provide some sense of security, and offer a chance at justice.
I’m sharing the story of my friend Eric, who is the survivor of an abusive and toxic relationship. He needs your help and support. PLEASE consider donating and PLEASE share wide and far across your social accounts.
This is his story (which I have consent to share):
“I’ve been married for almost 12 year to a man whom I love very deeply. We have children from his first marriage - and I love these kids as my own.
Over the past two years, I’ve been forced to do a lot of self discovery. I changed jobs pre and mid-pandemic. In the middle of the pandemic I suffered a major heart attack, requiring 5 stents. I wasn’t living a healthy life. I rarely exercised, I ate emotionally and for comfort, I was consumed by work, family, and school.
I work full-time and have been the primary support for our family financially.
It wasn’t until I began to take care of myself, that I discovered that I was unhappy with a major portion of my life - my husband and how he treated and controlled me. I have loved my husband unconditionally, but in exploring myself, I found he has not been loving me or treating me with respect for me as a person, let alone a spouse. Over the past several years there had been a disconnect, particularly following the development of a relationship with his friends David and David. He wouldn’t go to therapy, threatening to leave me if I ever asked him to. He dismissed my feelings, my needs, and my safety.
When I have shared feedback in conversation regarding my feelings, I found (and continue to find) myself being gaslighted. His lying, his actions, my feelings, and all other problems were my fault. He would apologize, but not for his actions, for me feeling bad. “I’m sorry you feel sad, upset, angry.” I found myself so often reversing course and apologizing myself, to keep the peace - I was scared.
Conversely, I always tried hard to hear and understand my husband’s perspective, but I never received the same courtesy or respect in turn. He would (and still does) tell family, coworkers, friends, community members, and strangers how I reacted - from shutting down, being avoidant, reclusive, melancholy, tearful, anxious, depressed, mad. He never told them what led up to it, or at least his actions leading up to it. He positioned himself as the victim. In essence, I was not permitted to feel mad, sad, or hurt - and if I did, it was my fault, he had no responsibility for his actions.
Adding complexity - our finances are very intertwined, and because of information and decisions I was not privy to or included in (him signing up for credit, utilities, etc under my name and occasionally jointly) my credit has suffered terribly went from mid 600s to high 400s.
I talked at great length privately with my father and step-mother and both expressed concern. I’ve spoken with a therapist with 25 years Domestic Violence experience who agrees , though I love my husband I’m stuck in a dangerous and abusive relationship. I needed to bite the bullet and file for divorce.
This became increasingly evident when I became aware he was monitoring my movement and my interactions, installed cameras inside the house (versus out), accessed and manipulated my devices when I was sleeping, lying about paying bills in my name but paying his own and telling me he hadn’t. It grew worse, he spat in my face, pushed me, yelled inches from my face, held me and wouldn’t let go (demanding sex), elbowing me in the stomach, wrapping his hands around my neck and choking me, he had become physical to the point of bruising and breaking skin. The last event I knew I needed to leave - he pushed me down the stairs. This happened most often happened behind closed doors. He would antagonize, intimidate and harass me in our bedroom, knowing family or friends were around, pushing me repeatedly to react, till I could not help but cry or scream. I looked like the irrational one, he relied on that. When he would become physical, it was always after people had left. I was always alone.
Money has been completely controlled by my husband, though my parents suggested setting up a checking account that only I had access to, and I contributing 20 a paycheck when I could. I hoped to have time, to grow this safety net and use this money to file for divorce and a safe place to stay. I needed to stay local enough to keep my job.
Could I have saved more? Could the bills get paid and not be overdue? Yes. My husband enjoys shopping and spending money - buying items that weren’t needed or luxuries. He would say he paid the bills, but he didn’t. I received letters and phone calls from creditors and debt collectors. He told me he paid these bills and that it must have “passed” in the mail. Some have even been charged off, under my name and on my credit report for years to come.
I am stuck in a black hole and I don’t know how to get out. I live in the northeast US, and while there are resources for individuals (women and children), they overwhelmingly ignore the needs of LGBTQ+ members. I called shelters but I didn’t qualify or they were full due to the pandemic.
All of my local “friends” have overwhelmingly been friends of my husband first, and me by association - so I have and continue to find trustworthy, natural supports. Many who have already chosen sides, who have blindly accepted his narrative of me “abandoning my family and finances.”
I feel so alone, thoughts of being better off dead or gone circling in my head. That I’m unworthy of love, kindness or respect. I constantly feel guilty I left. From the family, the pets and the fleeting positive memories all gone. I left all that I loved behind - furniture, cookware, gifts, and luxuries of my & our shared life. I only took clothes, medicine, and a few other essentials. Only what could fit in my car.
I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am in this position, that I need to ask for help. I’m embarrassed that this could happen to me, that I didn’t see the signs. I don’t know how I might possibly recover from this despair, let alone the financial turmoil he has left me in. I am thankful for your consideration, and appreciative of any kindness and generosity I may receive.”
Thank you for reading his story. Times are tough, but Eric needs your support, in money and in spirit.
Please donation AND share the link with as widely as possible across your social media accounts. With our community of support, we can help Eric escape this continuous cycle of manipulation, intimidation and abuse - it could help save his life, provide some sense of security, and offer a chance at justice.
Organizer and beneficiary
Abigail Kier
Organizer
Day, MD
Eric Dickson
Beneficiary