Lately, things have taken a drastic turn for the worse.
I just lost my job, which was the only thing keeping me afloat, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been looking for a different, less stressful job for months, and there's nothing around here that I even remotely qualify for. I'm stuck in an extremely small town, with no car, no family, and no way out.
I don't know what to do anymore.
The stress of my situation has been building steadily, and I've worked myself to tatters trying to deal with it. I had a few months where things seemed to be getting better, but that was apparently the cliff-edge before the abyss. It's take a severe toll on my health.
Along with the mounting stress, I've been suffering from a steadily worse depression over the course of the last two years, along with declining physical health and a host of attendant problems, including headaches, anxiety, insomnia to the point where I go weeks without sleep, constant exhaustion, low blood pressure and bouts of stress-induced hypoglycemia, blackouts, and stabbing chest pains when my stress reaches a particularly high point.
Even doing the smallest things is extremely difficult. I feel like I've been drugged, and my ability to think has crashed and burned. It's so hard to try to dig yourself out of a hole when it takes everything you've got just to get out of bed in the morning or fix something to eat. I got an impossibly rare burst of motivation to even write this, and my brain is so doped up on its own stress chemicals that I'm not entirely sure if it's coherent. I'll have someone look over it so it at least makes sense.
Suicidal thoughts are nothing new, but I've always had enough strength to resist them. But it's getting to the point where they're actually starting to look attractive, and that scares the hell out of me.
I've tried going to see a doctor, but they want to dope me up with drugs, and I've had horrible reactions with every depression med I've ever tried, up to and including a coma that lasted three full days. But honestly? I don't need drugs, I need a break. Anyone subjected to enough stress will crumble, and stress is not a "disorder" that can be treated.
I've tried fixing this on my own, but it's just not enough. I just keep falling farther and farther behind.
I'm ashamed to have to do this, but I don't see any other way. I don't like handouts, but I don't want to become homeless (or worse), either, which is looking like a distinct possibility.
I'm desperate, and I really, really, really, really need your help.
I'll be frank. I need money. I need enough to pay off some old bills, enough to buy a car so I can get out of this tiny town, and enough to set up elsewhere and live on for awhile while I recuperate from the stress I've been under for the past few years, not to mention look for a job or alternative source of income.
With any luck (and lots of help), I'll be able to use this to get myself in a position to fix several things in my life that have been weighing me down for a long time. And that will make it easier to start building myself up again, rather than just bailing myself out of the hole I'm in.
Please spread the word to the people you know. Facebook, Twitter, whatever. Anyplace you think you can reach receptive ears.
And no matter what else happens, thank you everyone, from the bottom of my heart. No matter how much or how little you give, it's definitely appreciated, even if it's just spreading the word.
So thank you. Thank you so much.