Friends, Family, Acquaintances, Former Colleagues, Classmates and All I've Not Yet Met. The amount of shame and embarrassment I'm feeling by posting this are unimaginable and beyond words. Yet they pale in comparison to the depths of despair I've found off and on over the last five years. The last week I had two experiences I never would have believed under ANY circumstances I would have in my lifetime no matter what... I was released from a psych ward after being placed on a 7 day 5150 hold; and yesterday I panhandled.

I've done my best to keep everyone in the dark as much as possible over the years. Yet so many of you have helped with kind words, loans, gifts, housing, support, employment, one even going so far as to provide all of the above and buy all my meals, cigarettes, gas, and so much more for almost a year. I feel like I've let all of you down. And I have. But I'm not down for the count yet.

After finally taming my 30+ year war with extreme alcoholism (up to 60 drinks a day at it's peak before my heart attack in 22'), I decided it would be a good idea to experiment w some friendly social meth use starting back in March of last year after finding temporary housing at a recuperative care facility in Long Beach. You know, just for some healthy fun w friends I had just met.

Fast forward almost a year and I've found myself broke down in front of the Hollywood PD Station, living in a car w 3 tires about to blowout, a battery that dies every few days or so and I have to get jumped, with probably not enough gas to make it to the nearest gas station, 4 days clean and withdrawing from crystal methamphetamine, with chest pain to boot.

As far as I remember, or at very least from middle school on, I've had crippling social anxiety. Which, in many ways, is actually a form of paranoia. Always thinking and worrying everyone is looking at and judging you, worried every whisper is somebody making fun of you or pointing out a flaw of yours. But the last couple of weeks I was introduced to true psychotic paranoia, complete with full delusions, visual and auditory hallucinations. I'll probably never not suffer from PTSD from this psychological breakdown. I'll probably never instantly look for emergency vehicles or public transportation when I hear a car horn. And I'm pretty sure I'll never feel truly comfortable walking in public where there's no cameras, witnesses or police again. It got so bad I was convinced all Waymo and XL private executive rental cars were surveiling me. I was convinced there was some unknown international crime syndicate like straight from John Wick had a hit out on me for almost the last month. I feared talking to anyone would instantly be a death sentence for them as well. The things I thought I saw would be unbelievable even in the craziest action suspense thriller. It was nuts. I'm talking to professionals and am aware of how insane it all was, but the paranoia is real Fam. And it still lingers... The depth and hold of the delusions is still hard to comprehend.

Getting back to my point... My utter shame and embarrassment is valid. But it's misplaced. My ego and pride, coupled with negative stigma and fear of loss of status, relationships, or future opportunity prevented me from reaching out sooner to more people. I tried many programs and rehabs, but only out of desperation bc I didn't have family or friends to reach out to that I wouldn't be too shamed to know the truth for me to do so. I'm ashamed of myself for not having the courage to do so and hopefully make it easier for the next person suffering in silence.

Rock Bottom is now my Ground Zero.

But I'm not ready to give up completely yet. I'm now waiting for assistance through multiple programs so I can get back on my feet. But in the meantime, food stamps and $250/mo won't even get me enough gas to get work for two weeks when I get another job. And it certainly won't cover a used battery or new battery jumper box, let alone 3 used tires. Or a new vape (yes I know, but it's the lesser of two evils RN team).

If you have anything to give, whether it be a few words of encouragement or a few bucks in spare change, it would mean the world. I'm trying to get to $300 should cover the battery and some gas so I can start working again and not have to leave my car on random streets it could be towed or broken into on while I'm there.

If you want to say kind words, please keep them brief and general, and please no direct messages, texts, or calls. I'm still working through the mental fog and the paranoia is still present, regardless of my awareness of it's ridiculousness. I'd hate to not respond and feel more guilt than I already do.

I'm so sorry I've let you all down, but the best is yet to come... You can bank on it.

Love and Support

Chris