On August 28th, I posted on Facebook a picture of me in a pink dress, proudly showing off my pregnant belly. Declaring what an honor it was to feel life grow inside of me. What a gift it is to participate in creation. The next day, at my scheduled doctor’s appointment, it was discovered that my baby boy’s heart was no longer beating. I was at 20 weeks. Since that moment, I have felt like I have stepped into someone else’s life or fallen through Alice’s looking glass where the world is all topsy turvy. A fetal demise, that is what they called it. I never understood the depth of grief you could feel. I carried and dreamed for 5 months about this baby boy. I couldn’t wait to hold him in my arms. And now, I had lost all of that. The hopes and dreams, the “what could have beens..” gone with one little phrase, “there is no heartbeat.” I spent the next 4 days in the hospital. 52 hours of it in labor, knowing the whole time that when the moment finally arrived that my baby boy would be born, I would have to say good bye. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. To endure the pains of labor and not be able to bring home my baby boy. He arrived on September 1st at 6.9 ounces and 9 inches long. He was so small, so perfect. 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. We named him Cruze. I didn’t think I had the strength to do it, but I held him and kissed him and said good bye. Now my husband and I find ourselves with the heartbreaking task of planning a funeral for our baby. Last week I was picking out paint colors for his bedroom, now I am picking out caskets and headstones. I was planning a baby shower to celebrate a new coming life, and today I am planning a funeral for a life that might have been. I never thought I would reach out in this way and ask for help, but it has become necessary. Most things finacle, we can shoulder. But with the unexpected medical bills and funeral costs, I am at a loss. All I want is to be able to bury my baby boy, my Cruze. We have weighed and measured all our costs with what we can manage, and have a deficit of about $2,000. I just want to give Cruze a safe place to rest and hopefully, a headstone so others will know, as I do, that he mattered. He was here, if only briefly. We need a place to go to, to place flowers and honor a life he should have had. And we need help to give him that. As a family, we humbly ask for any help that can be offered.