Crippled Hero

I am an Army Veteran and I was working on my masters degree at FAU. PLEASE check your mirrors for motorcycles. I got hit around 5am on my way to the gym. A 30 y/o guy turned into me from a median somehow. In a BMW suv that was his boyfriend’s. I can’t imagine there were a lot of people on the road so I wonder constantly what happened. Guy must have been on his phone I figure. I died twice that day. Once at the scene, and later at the hospital. I bled out twice and coated 4 times. My bodies determination is the only reason I’m even here. I also fractured my tibia, had a collapsed lung, my pelvis was shattered (cutting up my arteries which is why I kept bleeding out). My skull was caved in on the right side with an enlarged brain, and during the coma my brain added too much calcium to my knee trying to fix it which is called heterotopycal ostification or “H-O”. The other day my friend Ryan said I have been handling this well which I don’t think is exactly true. My mental health isn’t in the best place right now to be honest. I have been up since December 19th... six long months I was in a coma, dead to the world, dead to life atleast. At first I couldn’t speak or eat which was super weird. Learning to sound out words and being able to finally express my thoughts was such a huge relief. My life will forever be filled with struggle now even when I recover. I can never be the way I was before. I have to get used to a new reality. Walking is still my greatest challenge to overcome. Getting out of my chair to a walker is getting easier with time. Before my mom was strapping me into a harness to “hoyer” me by lifting me with a large metal pivot. To be honest suicide is still very appealing for me. A couple people have randomly reached out to check on my mental health which I really appreciate . The biggest barrier to stopping me is accessibility as far as getting to my guns since they’re in storage. If that barrier didnt exist and my brother didn’t have my pistols in his possession let’s just say I wouldn’t be posting this lol. If you took the time to read this then I’m glad you have a better idea of what’s going on with me. I am doing this gofundme to pay back my mother who spent her hard earned money on private duty nursing for me.