I knew he wouldn’t stay long. I just felt it to my core, even though I didn’t want to.

You could see it all over his face. He couldn’t bear being here without her.

Then came his own cancer diagnosis. Gosh I freaking hate cancer with a burning passion. To watch your loved one deteriorate in front of your eyes is one of the cruelest things in this world.

Papa was the hardest working man I’ve ever known. He dedicated his life to working hard to provide for his family, no matter what it took. And when he was finally able to retire for the last time…..it was because he just physically could not work another day.

He had continued on with a broken heart for as long as he could, until his body literally made him stop.

Even though I grew up with him always around, I never knew my papa very well. Every time I needed anything at all, I went to grandma. She was often the one who would pass messages between us. When you had grandma, you didn’t really have a “need” for anyone else.

When she wasn’t there anymore, I got the opportunity, not only to run to him when I needed help, but to get to know him on a level I never had before. The absolute privilege it was to finally get to know and love my papa from that deep, sacred place.

You had no idea how much my heart needed those long talks with you after everyone else was gone. The abundant love your heart carried. The wisdom dripping from your carefully spoken words.

You were so concerned with the life you’d lived. Did I get it wrong? Was it good enough? Will they know I did my best, but long for the do over to make those things right?

Papa, we know you did your best. Your best was good enough. And it’s what now leaves us so devastatingly empty.

In one of our 4 hour phone calls you told me you weren’t sure about dying because God had told you you’d be a pastor and you hadn’t seen that happen yet……all while pastoring ME. You did it, papa. Even if you didn’t see it. And that’s the beauty of it. You didn’t do anything for applause, accolades, or recognition….it’s just who you were. We all saw it, papa. And we are better because of it.

My heart has never been the same since losing grandma, but my soul instantly knew what a blessing it was to have that time with you. In the worst season of my entire life, I was given the biggest blessing of getting to really k n o w my papa. And that is the most precious treasure I could have ever been given.

This double broken heart of mine can’t help but thank God for His abundant love, mercy, and kindness. He knew I needed you. You truly were my favorite, papa. Just like you said to me last week….love you papa…a lot.

It feels like we were literally just here……but if anyone is able to contribute to the cost of the funeral and other expenses, our family would greatly appreciate it. Within a year and half we have lost the two most important people in our lives and we’re left to figure out how to live in this world without them.