I will start by saying I apologize for the horrendous grammar ( I’m typing this at 5am in free flow mode and disclaimer: The cover picture is really outdated but my dad was happy) . Facebook friends, please don’t think you have to do anything with this , some of you have done than enough for me already, this is actually part of that thank you.

My father passed away unexpectedly, at age of 73,  most likely due to Covid-19(no results) on Monday March 30th.  As you can expect,  the unknowns caused by his departure are just beginning to sink in.  How much is everything going to cost? How much additional family debt did I just absorb that I don’t know about? How about my parents mortgage? Can I keep a roof over my mom’s head?( I’m still not out of the woods either with my own sickness!)

  Unfortunately, as so often is the case , my father did not have  a Life Insurance policy and had no savings to speak of.

 He worked hard to provide what he did provide.  He was most proud  of his work experience while on a whaling vessel in Japan in the 60-70’s. Driving the ship. Taboo here in the U.S. I know, but he was proud, he once told me he almost made recommendation to a type of officer assignment. Then his life altered, His father was already in the United States and needed help in a family restaurant so he came to the United States. The family business ended up burning down due to a fire, no insurance rears it’s ugly head again.

 Along the way he met my Mom and had me.  He worked odd jobs as Cook, Janitor, and settled on Landscaper.  Unfortunately, in Colorado,  due to weather,  it’s really about a 7 month job.  He supplemented his income in off season as a cook.  As he got older it became harder to find a winter role and his underlying medical conditions. So money was never easy or a surplus and most of my surplus went to assist when I could. Never ending cycle, unfortunately.

As some who may read this know, I ended up being on several ships at sea in 22years and did make the rank of Officer, Lieutenant Commander, in the US Navy, so I know he was proud of me for that.  After leaving the Navy, I knew I had to head home, to landlocked Colorado. I wouldn’t forgive myself for not being there for my parents all those years And would help them at home. That was my primary vision and driver. That decision, also exacerbated the worst financial period for me, of my own making as well, which continues today, but I have a great job, great support structure, and great friends, who have helped me in these challenging times of my life without hesitation, that I still owe debts to, to this day, if it wasn’t for them I would have given up years ago...

So the unknowns and negatives begin about what comes next? Worst situation than I was in. Mothers loss of a husband and additional income. My financial condition barely afloat.. New funeral, medical expenses, inherited expenses.

The one that will haunt me though, at least for awhile, the guilt in knowing I started coughing 2 days before he did.  With this virus you could transmit without even knowing you have it, but I coughed first.
I know right now,  No one knows where they got this from it could have come from anywhere. It could be corona? it could be flu? Truth will come hopefully but not right now! I coughed first!  

My reason for coming home, to take care of them, now the antithesis of my being! 

I tried self isolating that first inkling I was sick. He didn’t have any different symptoms he normally had, already had asthma, so breathing difficulty was normal for him. The morning of his passing he got up, made a phone call, went to lie down, was asleep, looked to be breathing hard, my mom tried to rustle him, he wouldn’t talk.  I tried to rustle him, get up let’s go to the hospital. He wouldn’t talk, just a stammer, started turning blue. Immediately called 911. They arrived in  minutes, but it was too late.

I was never able to get a Corona Virus test, when I first got sick,  not in a critical group! I still don’t know. I asked the Coroner to do one for my father after the fact. Now I worry for my mother, does she have it?

Even the funeral home is in uncharted territory? No viewing before cremation? No funeral? No gatherings? No face to face meeting?

His Japan family can’t come here, travel/Risks..

Because I am self quarantined, I can’t complete basic tasks I normally would do to get the answer and because I just don’t know or can’t.

I am swelling with regret at the moment, about all the things I didn’t say to him and all the things I did say to him and wish I had taken back.  In the end I know he still cared regardless, but my mind dwells.

Now the task of compartmentalization! Break each mountain into smaller mountains, and make the down hill climb.  My next step after this is to try and decipher my fathers terrible record keeping system and try and call his landscaping customers with the news.  Some are sure to want to do something for him for years of service, so I am creating this go fund me,  with a semi-random amount and insight into his existence.

To be completely honest and transparent, at 6AM(for those that know me, not a morning person), I’m not expecting donations, if they come great, it would help my mom and eliminate unknowns.
I’m writing this to vent and is my way of coping right now, and because, I just don’t know! Just like everyone else in the world! I don’t know if my finances will ever improve. I don’t know what will happen after corona 2020. I’m in the dark like everyone else! But I will take the chance for advice.

 During this trying time,  hindsight being 20/20, if someone you love has any type of pre-existing condition. i.e. Asthma, and they have symptoms that lead to even a little more shortness of breath, or cough get them to the hospital, to be tested, Ventilated?,Monitored, anything.... The hospitals are setup already to accept corona patients,  just let them know first. 

I also recommend a pulse oximeter(measures pulse/oxygen levels). If I would have thought about that, now two days ago, maybe could have been a different result and forced my hand to drag him to the hospital when it dipped below a certain level. 

Lastly, Say Something, Anything, Shout it out through all types of Media, (go fund me and Facebook in my case) Use Facebook, Twitter, Teams,  phone call,  in person if it’s safe, or a novel concept, a written letter!  letting everyone who has touched or helped you, or even failed to help you, know you appreciate them. Shout it out from 20 feet away, 50,000 miles away!!!!! I guess this is that for me. Even when you may not be in a position to dig out of the hole they call life anytime soon. NoRegrets! 

life always finds a way, good or bad, success or failure. Even in death, the biggest hole ever!!!! I gleaned this! But if I can reach one person, in my atrocicious, grammar/punctuation filled, no sleep rant;  and also carry on my father’s memory, improve my own mental conditiion AND make a difference it was worth it.