Ever since I was a little human I have felt different.
I never wanted to play with super girly toys, or be the girl when playing house with my friends. I always wanted to be the husband. I would rather play with the boys in my neighborhood rather than the "icky girls".
At 12 years old I came out as a lesbian, which didn't come as a shock to many people, if any at all.
I started to wear boy clothes, the baggier the better. Something still didn't feel right. I hated my body shape, I hated being called ma'am or miss. I thought nothing of it. I just thought that came with being gay.
The next couple of years I would have mental wars with myself.
"Do I want to be a boy?"
"No of course not, that's disgusting I am a girl!"
"But I feel like I'm a boy.. I want to look like a boy, I want a boy name" "Why would I think like this.. Am I crazy, is there something wrong with me?!"
This inner turmoil sent me into a depression. It destroyed my outlook on myself.. I started self harming, which in turn broke my mothers heart. No one had ANY idea that THIS was the reason I was hurting myself.
It wasn't until 18 years into my life did I realize that I couldn't deny it any longer. All of my feelings were because the body that I have been living in, wasn't mine.. The cringing at people using female pronouns with me and the mention of how big my chest was kind of gave that away. Plus I got SO excited when someone at the store would call me a dude on accident. I wouldn't even correct them.
But still, I had little to no information on what transgender was, and I sure as hell didn't think ANYONE was going to accept me.
So what did I do? Yeah you guessed it.. I tried to hide who I was to the world. I thought there was NO way that I was going to ever be able to be a guy.. I lost hope for myself. So much that I went back into thinking that this was all just.. Stupid to feel. I tried to trick myself. I tried to be someone else. I tried the makeup, I tried the wearing low cut clothes, nothing was working. If anything it was making it way worse but I ignored it.
It wasn't until after (a dreadful) 6 years of going back and forth from accepting myself, to hating myself did I say "F*** IT" and I came out to the world as a Trans man. It was liberating. I felt so free. Everything came into place of what I knew I was.
Right when I came out I started going by male pronouns and picked my name. All of my friends starting addressing me the way I've been wanting to be addressed in my whole life! There are nights that I stay up and cry because I feel like a weight has been lifted off my body and I am so proud of myself for taking that step!
BUT.. with that step also came the harsh reality of being a trans man. I was cursed by my moms strong genes.. in the sense of my chest area. Wearing a binder tight enough to take those away, comes with a lot of pain. I want to wear it all the time, but I have to take it off so I don't damage my body.. But when I take it off, I get super dysphoric and that's just.. a crappy situation.
Also, having a big chest means that I get misgendered 99% of the time. Which is a big let down when you try your hardest every single day to look your manliest.
There is one simple reason for this surgery, my mental state. Once my chest is looking how I want it to look, I will no longer feel like I am in a cage. I will finally be able to have a body that is so much closer to the one I feel like I was supposed to be born into. With this surgery I can say goodbye to those painful binders and even donate them to other trans men that can't afford a good binder, or a binder at all.
I am currently a little bit of steps away from this surgery but I wan't to make sure that when that time comes i'm prepared. I did get a estimates from multiple top surgeons in my area and even outside of it, this is pretty much the average of what they all said that surgeries range from. With your help and me saving up money as well, I know that this goal can be achieved by the time that it is time for me to go under the knife.
Thanks all of you who made it through my life story above and to all of those who donate no matter how big or small it is! If you cannot donate, please don't worry I know I still have your support which means way more to me! If everyone could also share this, I would greatly appreciate that!
Much love xoxo
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