Cloe's Home

Hello everyone!

My name is Cloe Mathers, and I am a native of Arizona, but I am hoping to move to Pensacola, Florida. This gofundme is to help me reach my goal of buying my own home.

From the time I was born, I grew up in an abusive environment. My dad and uncle were... Less than ideal to grow up with. Every day there was a war in my house, and I had no idea what was going to happen. Would they be nice to me? Would they hurl insults at me? Would they start a screaming match with each other and get violent? I didn't know. I've seen the men in my home go at each other like rabid wolves. They punch, they kick, they strangle each other. The police have been called multiple times, even by myself. Every day in my home was and is a bumper car rink. I never know what to expect. The only person I have ever been able to count on consistently is my mom. I love her so much, and it breaks my heart to need to move away from her, but I need to leave.

My house doesn't make me feel safe at all, and it has largely contributed to the mental illnesses I've acquired over the years. Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Anorexia and Bulimia, several personality disorders, and suicidal ideation have been made worse by living here. I've been hospitalized upwards of ten times on separate occasions, and as you might imagine, those amounts of medical bills alongside regular ones have made it difficult to save money. I've been over $15,000.00 in debt for years. My spare money has mostly been nonexistent, and my measly disability check barely covers my bills.

I've always wanted to move out from my home. I even managed it twice, both times staying with friends. But I always felt I was a horrible imposition on them, even when I was paying rent. Someway or another, I always ended up back in my house. It made me want to get a place of my own to call home. 

I long for freedom desperately. There is nothing else I crave more than to be able to walk around my home without fear. I'm afraid to open my bedroom door because it may wake my uncle. I fear going to the kitchen to get food because of what may come my way when I'm out there, or what they may do to my dog if he makes them mad. Because of that I hide food in my room and have gotten bugs more than once. But I do what I have to do to survive. I've been afraid to go to the bathroom in the mornings, and have held it for hours because the men in my home weren't awake yet, and I feared what would happen if I did. I've asked my mom to put a toilet in my closet, but she refuses.

I've been surviving where I am. But I want so much more. I want to live, not survive. I don't want to have to live in fear of leaving my room, of what may lie beyond that door. I want so much more. And I know that I deserve that much, because every human being deserves to live without fear. I've been to friends houses, and have been able to walk in their kitchens to get food without being afraid. That feeling of utter freedom, of being normal... I crave it so much it pales in comparison to my aspirations of one day becoming a writer. 

I am aware that most people start off in apartments when they live on their own, and for a very long time, I thought that I would do that too. But I also realized that in the long term, apartments cost more than homes do. So I wanted to skip that step and try to raise enough money to get a home of my own. I've considered leaving my house and going to a homeless shelter, but I couldn't leave my dog behind because I fear what my Dad and Uncle would do to him, and I know I'd miss him and he me. Much of the time, he's the one who is home and always happy to see me. I couldn't turn my back on that.

I'm currently talking with my psychiatric providers who are getting me in touch with a company that helps people with disabilities like myself find jobs on Tuesday, but I'm already in the financial negative over a hundred dollars. If I keep going at this rate, I won't have anything of my check to pay my bills. Not to mention, I'll never be able to save for any place of my own if I don't start now.

I'm so sick of feeling trapped in my situation. I'm tired of being a victim of circumstance. I don't want to be either anymore. I know there's a better world and a better life for me out there, and I want to grab it. There's so much more to life than living in fear.

I am asking for your help to raise enough money for a down payment on a home. I know it's a lot to ask, and I'm not usually one to ask things of others, in fact I'm usually the one to care for them. But I cannot live this way anymore, and right now the only thing I can do is ask for help and use my voice. I'm tired of being rendered silent. I hope this campaign to be the start of me being able to speak up for myself And my needs. I hope that on this journey, I can learn that sometimes I need to take care of myself. And that I am important too.

Thank you all so much.

Sincerely,

Cloe Mathers