Hi. My name is Lunar.

Short answer why i'm holding this: I've been stuck in an abusive household for 7 years due to my disabilities and the dysfunction of the welfare/health system at large, and took a debt to try and contribute to the only way in society i can via streaming to make people's days better with a new PC. Said debt is stopping specific charities helping me get housing help, so with the money earned from this, it can be cleared. This is the last option i have left, and after a string of suicide attempts, i'm at the end of my tether.

Long answer:

I came out with a post adjacent to this several years ago, probably about 2-3, but that was merely an update on my mental health. Unfortunately, things haven't gotten better.

For those who haven't followed closely, and i don't blame you if you don't, i went to the UK equivalent of High School during the time of lock down in 2020. This meant i lost out on my one and only chance of work experience i had, and in a world where my qualifications don't mean anything without experience, that's a death knell. I couldn't go out and get experience working volunteer because of my disabilities, which include multiple forms of neurodivergence. Examples include Autism, an anxiety disorder, Dyspraxia, ADHD, memory problems, a personality disorder and muscle problems, to the point where I'm slowly forgetting about the people i care about, their faces, their birthdays, everything. This is also partially why i had to drop out of UK College, as it was too much for me to handle and i couldn't just do that everyday. For this reason, i have next to no useful education to get a job either.

The biggest reason however, and the main reason I've been writing this whole thing is that put simply, I've been stuck in an abusive household for 7 years.

Around 2019, i attended a Sonic Concert in London. While waiting in the queue, me and my mother happened to bump into a man who my mother would later fall for after the messy divorce from my father. What either of them failed to realize was that this man had severe anger issues and behavioral issues that caused him to explosively lash out. Unfortunately, my mom who's been damaged by a life of abuse all on her own, cannot ever let the arguments go. She always has to win. So they escalate repeatedly every single day until eventually it devolves into screaming and sometimes physical matches. Worse still, my mom is entirely too forgiving so even if he was kicked out of our home, he'd be back within the next few days. Some days, he'd come back tomorrow like nothing happened. Things only got worse when against everybody's better judgement, the 2 elected to have a baby together, meaning there was now no easy way to let him go. He was now stuck with us.

Ever since the divorce, i elected to live with my mother as my father was a serial womanizer, cheater, and a neglectful man who left his own kids to rot. He manipulated me exclusively so i could run errands and look after the kids of whomever he was dating along with his own, my own siblings. When you combine the arguing with my mom, it effectively meant i was the only functioning parent any of these children had. Given that I'm 21, that means I've been forced to be a mother of my younger siblings ever since i was 14.

My grandparents either live too far away or are incredibly homophobic. I have no friends i could reasonably stay with, especially without draining their resources, which leads me to making this.

I managed to successfully get onto the baseline for Universal Credit back when i was 18. This meant i had around £300 a month to use for whatever i liked. And i decided i was going to use it to pay for a loan to take out, with monthly payments, on a brand new computer. The reason why i did this? Simple. I can't function in society. I can't work a job or a charity or socialize with people normally in a meaningful way. So i was going to stream, make money to get out of this house, pay off the debt and spread joy to people. To be a light for others in such a dark time. I wanted to make people smile and spread that light so others could brighten people's days too. Because even if i made just one persons day better by going live, listening to them and sharing what we both love, i'd have been happy.

Alas, the arguing has made that almost an impossibility. I cannot consistently stream due to the inconsistent and volatile nature of my parents, and the damage their arguing has done to me has been the root cause for many of the mental issues such as memory problems and personality problems that i outlined earlier. I've had to listen to them fight nearly every week, every month, for the last 7 years.

Originally i thought i could take it, i thought i could just keep going and ignore it. But over time it's grated at me more and more and i can't take it anymore. I've punched my wall without even thinking, i can't sleep for more then 3 hours and that means constant all-nighters, I'm starting to hallucinate people running into my room out the corner of my eyes, there's voices in my head talking to me who i don't feel in control of and like i mentioned before I'm starting to forget the names and faces of the people i care about most. I've wanted to kill myself so fucking often and i can't even escape with that because i know it would hurt the people who love me, and i can't bring myself to hurt the people i care about for something so selfish.

So, why explain all this??

Put simply, i have a plan. One way. One single way i can get out of this mess and finally have a life of my own, and it's with yall's help. I'm fighting tooth and nail with the welfare system to get better benefits, one a person such as myself should be getting due to how non-functional and dangerous to the world i am. They've been fighting back, but i'll keep pushing until there's a yes. Even the medical system is against me, because the doctors refuse to diagnose any of my other issues. While i do, i've been in contact with a few charities.

These charities have given me the potential to find a place to live and to support me if i have those welfare benefits in place, but there's one thing they all require for me to be able to take the help is to clear this damm debt. The one that reduces my money a month from 300 to 150, which when i throw in a phone bill i'm paying for too, means i'm forever stuck at £100 a month for food. This is not enough.

That is why i'm at the end of my tether. This is genuinely the last thing i can do as i keep battling and just try to survive.

I've been living this way for 7 years. Please help me avoid letting it get to 8.