Help Clarity raise money for living and emergency expenses while she studies for her conversion to Judaism in Israel!

From Clarity:

Those who know me well are aware that I'm in the process of converting to Judaism.

What's the difference between converting to Judaism and converting to, say, Christianity or Islam? If you express a desire to convert to a Christian or a Muslim, they'll say "Amazing! Welcome!"

Mention to a Jew that you want to convert to Judaism, and the first thing they'll say is "Why?"

Suddenly, you find yourself trying to condense six years of conviction into an elevator pitch expressible in the time it takes to get through the salad line at kiddush.

My challenge has been conveying the depth of my conviction without breaking into tears or making the decision seem merely intellectual, like choosing between cucumber salad and spinach and mushroom salad (with ramen noodle crunchies).

I haven't perfected this yet, but the person in front of me always listens attentively, and afterwards, their face lights up with a smile, and they say,

"Amazing. Welcome!"

When I first arrived in Austin 12 years ago, it was the worst time of my life. I was dealing with childhood trauma, homelessness, abuse, and health issues.

I started to notice a pattern: those who went out of their way to help and befriend me were Jewish. I felt most comfortable around Jewish people. I got into Israeli dance because I loved the sound of Hebrew and everything about the culture and community. Watching people dance, I thought, "These are my people," a sensation akin to falling in love, though I couldn't explain why it was happening or what to do about it.

I grew up with my dad's New Age hippie mysticism, which posited that religion (any religion) was the enemy of spirituality, a barrier between the individual and God. We adhered to our spiritual practices without a community, which meant we followed our own feelings, which really meant my dad's feelings.

Without delving into details (I'll save that for my autobiography), this led us into some horrific circumstances. My role was to survive and care for my dying father, ignoring the physical world for what he saw as the enlightened spiritual world. Even though I disagreed with my dad about so many things I learned tenacity and integrity from him. He literally died for his beliefs, and despite my anger and heartbreak about what he put me and my brother though, I can do nothing but respect his convictions.

My involvement with the Jewish community was one aspect my dad approved of, given his respect for Judaism. However, it never crossed my mind that I would convert. When he passed away, the support and comfort I received from my Jewish friends helped me transition from despair to mourning, teaching me about how Judaism handles death—and life. Once again, I was convinced of Judaism's value, (But not for me, because I would never convert to a religion lol)

After COVID, with more time to reflect and heal, I felt something was missing. Despite meditation, fasting, and introspection, I felt empty and disconnected. An internal urging was pounding in my head, as if trying to draw my attention to something I couldn't see. I prayed for clarity and began experiencing vivid shiny visions and dreams related to Judaism.

At one point I was woken up by one of these dreams and had the realization that what I was missing, and avoiding, was right in front of me. My connection to the Jewish community and having Jewish friends wasn't coincidental but part of my path. It's humorous to me that my mind was convinced of Judaism and the Torah's value for years, but, growing up in a spiritual household, I needed a spiritual experience to pursue it.

I began exploring conversion casually, thinking, "What's the harm in learning more?" But immediately I knew I'd seen too much and I knew how this was going to end for me. I knew I was going to convert.

It's like falling in love; you just know you want to commit to the person. People may warn you it will be hard and that you'll discover weird things about them later. But you already know that. You understand it will be an adventure, and you also now how it's going to end up. It doesn't make you want it any less.

Judaism, like any good relationship, takes you out of your comfort zone, challenges you, and then connects you to your true self.

It compels you to interact with God, with your community, and with yourself. When you feel challenged, it's not a cue to flee but an invitation to engage with that part of yourself and learn.

For me, it's been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Unlike my dad, who believed that religion was the enemy of spirituality, I believe we are both physical and spiritual beings. We need to care for both aspects equally and not forsake one for the other.

However, one thing I do agree with my dad on is that when you believe in something, you follow it through to the end.

I'm going to Israel to convert. I wish to convert in the land, immersed in the culture and language. My soul is already Jewish. I need to make up for lost time. I want to lead a Jewish life, have a Jewish family, and be part of the Jewish story, no matter how small my part may be. I want to claim the honor of having the fate (be it good or bad) of a Jew.

I'm leaving for Israel one month from today, which just so

happens to be my birthday!

If you know me and care for me and would spend some money on a birthday gift for me I ask you to please consider donating to my year of study in Israel instead.

It's an amazing gift of rebirth and I would be so grateful!

-Clarity Cie