My Story With Addiction
Tax deductible
My name is Charlie, I’m 24 and I’m a recovering alcoholic.
On July 12th 2020, I will be attempting to cycle across 6 countries in 5 days. The journey will start here in the UK, travelling through Holland, Germany, Luxembourg, Belgium, and France then finishing back in the UK.
My goal; I want to raise awareness on addiction, I want to help others that are impacted by the wide spread destruction it causes, and I want to encourage people to speak up and look into getting the help they need.
I will also be raising money for ‘Action on Addiction’ the rehab centre that helped me start the journey to sobriety in November 2018.
Action on addiction is an abstinence-based recovery programme for individuals and families affected by drug and/or alcohol addiction.
The structured treatment programme is funded by Essex County Council. It is also available to private paying clients as well as those who have private medical insurance. This is a structured day treatment programme which aims to help people understand their addiction and support them to achieve long-term, stable, abstinence-based recovery. It involves over eight weeks with an additional week for induction. This is a post-detoxification, abstinence-based programme.
Addiction is mostly misunderstood. Many people do not even see it as an illness despite it being recognised as such by health experts. There is a stigma surrounding addiction with many people believe that those who develop addiction have done so through choice. People fail to realise that those who abuse substances such as alcohol or drugs have little choice over their use; these individuals have no control over their urges and cannot stop even if they want to. People also assume that all alcoholics and drug addicts look and act in a certain way. However, the truth is that addiction can affect anyone, no matter where they come from or how old they are.
I found with my experience with addiction being honest and transparent is key to recovery. Your own personal experience with addiction cannot be compared to another’s story. I’m going to start with me and tell you exactly how all this came about for me.
My story:
I consider myself lucky to have found alcohol, although it turned my life completely upside down, it kept me alive, I found a way to survive.
But how did I get to this point?
I was given the best start in life. I was given every opportunity and my family supported me through everything. They couldn’t have done anymore for me. Yet, things happened out of my control. Things you cannot prepare for. I had key experiences that I didn’t have the tools emotionally to deal with, experiences that left me confused, alone and disconnected from the world.
With each experience it left scares. They had individual consequences to the way I used alcohol to escape the reality I was living:
1.) Mental Health
I was officially diagnosed with Emotional Intensity Disorder. It’s something I didn’t really understand I didn’t take it seriously. Emotional intensity is a form of neuro-diversity that is most often misunderstood by our culture. It is characterised by heightened and intense feelings, a constant stream of both positive and negative feelings — pain, distress, despair, fear, excitement, love, sadness or happiness — sometimes a mixture of many at the same time. Sometimes, feelings can become so powerful and compelling that I would feel out of control, losing the ability to think straight, or to the point where it feels unbearable.
Not looking after my own mental health was a big mistake. With the heightened emotions and alcohol backing my actions, it made me not think about the consequences of my actions. I made many errors in judgement and caused myself and others a lot of harm.
2.) Trauma
I was stabbed at 16 twice in the abdominal, there was no explanation and it was unprovoked. I never got any justice, none of my questions were answered. I was lucky to live but the ripple affect it had on my day to day living was unmeasurable. I suffered and still do with Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time in the form of vivid flashbacks; nightmares; intrusive thoughts and images; intense distress at real or symbolic reminders of the trauma. These memories can be so realistic that they make me feel like I am living through the experience again. At 16 I didn’t know how to handle what had happened to me, I didn’t know how to handle the sleepless nights and the fear of going out the house. I couldn’t sit through the pain, I needed to numb it out or let it go completely and that’s where drink took over.
3.) Rejection
Now, because I was a victim of an attack. People’s perception changed of me. Most people, including friends, turned their backs on me. The world is a lonely place with no one to talk too. We rely on social groups for survival. Already out lining the mental health problems, this bought more pain on me than traumatic event itself. I had never been really been alone. I didn’t know how to deal with everyday life alone. The feeling of absolute abandonment from people who I would have done anything for left me more than confused. It wasn’t my fault what happened to me did so why was I being punished. I lost trust in people and it changed the way I treated people. This was probably one of the lowest periods in my life with motivation to keep things going. It led to social anxiety and pushed me into a depressive state of mind. I found difficulty in keeping my head above water.
4.) Loss
There are different types of loss, I’ve lost people close to me through suicide and I’ve lost people that have just walked away from my life.
People walking out of your life is hard to accept, it took me to the dark places I shared with the rejection.
Suicide is difficult to come to terms with, I found with it an emptiness that cannot be refilled. People who are in our lives are irreplaceable. It was overwhelming to think that I would have to live without some of my friends around me, making memories without them, experiencing life without them. It’s a kind of pain you will never face unless you have lost someone close. The kind of pain I couldn’t just drink away, it sat with me, followed me everywhere I went.
These experiences were mostly out of my hands but all pathed the way for alcoholism.
With each experience alcohol took a tighter grip. It started with a few beers in the evening, to a crate, it then moved on from beer and started with the vodka, whiskey or gin, until eventually I was drinking nearly a litre on a daily basis. It controlled me.
I destroyed pretty much all relationships, I tore holes in my family. I rejected any help or support and pressed the ‘fuck it, self-destruct button’. Truth is, nobody could help me, alcohol was my answer to everything, and it was my comfort blanket, it was the only consistent thing over the course of 5 years of destruction. I couldn’t admit that the one thing keeping me alive was my downfall.
I found my rock bottom at 22, I couldn’t escape anymore, and I was backed into a corner. I couldn’t run. I couldn’t continue the way I was living. Problem was, I didn’t want to live without alcohol either. My entire adult life until this point had alcohol in. It was the centrepiece to every memory. It was comfort blanket for so long I couldn’t bear the thought of it being taken away from me.
To me, taking alcohol away was more scary than dying. I formulated a plan with months of preparation where I planned on taking my own life. I did this by knowingly making actions and decisions that would leave me with no other option. What little hope I had was gone. It wasn’t the first time I had tried to end it either, I had history with several attempts on my life by this point but this time I was ready. I wanted to die. I accepted it was my time.
I lived. The disappointment of waking up the following morning was sorrowful. I wanted only one outcome from this and now had 2 options once more; I could continue drinking to try and wait try again or I could get help.
This is when miracles can happen, I was given a lifeline. My alcohol councillor gave me an opportunity to attend rehab with ‘Action on Addiction’. Naturally I was apprehensive at first, in my head I didn’t know if I was ready to give up with the alcohol. It was my longest lasting relationship, I didn’t know if I could be fun without it, whether I would like life without it. I made every excuse in my head not to go, to put myself off but remained head strong.
The rehab course gave me time to think and reflect, time to get out of the toxic routine and give myself a chance. I learnt more about myself in that 2 month period than I did in the 5 years of drinking. I didn’t realise how broken I was inside, how high I had built my walls and how much destruction I had caused. I didn’t realise how desperate my life had become. Recovery is a tough road. I had to face the years of emotion neglect to myself and feel raw emotions with no supplements, no blocking out. It was at times unbearable.
Rehab gave me the tools I needed to get through a day without drinking. Tools I needed to face my own demons and let go of the past. I have been given a second chance through the help of the Action on Addiction team and the support of my family, friends and girlfriend.
I’m fortunate that they stuck it out and have been with me every step of the way. Even when I didn’t deserve them. They have been the anchors in my recovery.
A year on from attending the rehab centre and I have my life back. I am still rebuilding the mess I made over the course of the years drinking but I can say I have experienced true happiness. I have achieved a lot in the first year sober. I have started to make a new path to a greater life.
Admitting you have a problem whether that be with addiction, mental health or something else, is the first step. If anyone is struggling, I ask you speak out.
If you want help or just need someone to talk to then get in touch, I’m here support you as I have been supported. It only take for a few people to believe to make it possible.
On July 12th 2020, I will be attempting to cycle across 6 countries in 5 days. The journey will start here in the UK, travelling through Holland, Germany, Luxembourg, Belgium, and France then finishing back in the UK.
My goal; I want to raise awareness on addiction, I want to help others that are impacted by the wide spread destruction it causes, and I want to encourage people to speak up and look into getting the help they need.
I will also be raising money for ‘Action on Addiction’ the rehab centre that helped me start the journey to sobriety in November 2018.
Action on addiction is an abstinence-based recovery programme for individuals and families affected by drug and/or alcohol addiction.
The structured treatment programme is funded by Essex County Council. It is also available to private paying clients as well as those who have private medical insurance. This is a structured day treatment programme which aims to help people understand their addiction and support them to achieve long-term, stable, abstinence-based recovery. It involves over eight weeks with an additional week for induction. This is a post-detoxification, abstinence-based programme.
Addiction is mostly misunderstood. Many people do not even see it as an illness despite it being recognised as such by health experts. There is a stigma surrounding addiction with many people believe that those who develop addiction have done so through choice. People fail to realise that those who abuse substances such as alcohol or drugs have little choice over their use; these individuals have no control over their urges and cannot stop even if they want to. People also assume that all alcoholics and drug addicts look and act in a certain way. However, the truth is that addiction can affect anyone, no matter where they come from or how old they are.
I found with my experience with addiction being honest and transparent is key to recovery. Your own personal experience with addiction cannot be compared to another’s story. I’m going to start with me and tell you exactly how all this came about for me.
My story:
I consider myself lucky to have found alcohol, although it turned my life completely upside down, it kept me alive, I found a way to survive.
But how did I get to this point?
I was given the best start in life. I was given every opportunity and my family supported me through everything. They couldn’t have done anymore for me. Yet, things happened out of my control. Things you cannot prepare for. I had key experiences that I didn’t have the tools emotionally to deal with, experiences that left me confused, alone and disconnected from the world.
With each experience it left scares. They had individual consequences to the way I used alcohol to escape the reality I was living:
1.) Mental Health
I was officially diagnosed with Emotional Intensity Disorder. It’s something I didn’t really understand I didn’t take it seriously. Emotional intensity is a form of neuro-diversity that is most often misunderstood by our culture. It is characterised by heightened and intense feelings, a constant stream of both positive and negative feelings — pain, distress, despair, fear, excitement, love, sadness or happiness — sometimes a mixture of many at the same time. Sometimes, feelings can become so powerful and compelling that I would feel out of control, losing the ability to think straight, or to the point where it feels unbearable.
Not looking after my own mental health was a big mistake. With the heightened emotions and alcohol backing my actions, it made me not think about the consequences of my actions. I made many errors in judgement and caused myself and others a lot of harm.
2.) Trauma
I was stabbed at 16 twice in the abdominal, there was no explanation and it was unprovoked. I never got any justice, none of my questions were answered. I was lucky to live but the ripple affect it had on my day to day living was unmeasurable. I suffered and still do with Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time in the form of vivid flashbacks; nightmares; intrusive thoughts and images; intense distress at real or symbolic reminders of the trauma. These memories can be so realistic that they make me feel like I am living through the experience again. At 16 I didn’t know how to handle what had happened to me, I didn’t know how to handle the sleepless nights and the fear of going out the house. I couldn’t sit through the pain, I needed to numb it out or let it go completely and that’s where drink took over.
3.) Rejection
Now, because I was a victim of an attack. People’s perception changed of me. Most people, including friends, turned their backs on me. The world is a lonely place with no one to talk too. We rely on social groups for survival. Already out lining the mental health problems, this bought more pain on me than traumatic event itself. I had never been really been alone. I didn’t know how to deal with everyday life alone. The feeling of absolute abandonment from people who I would have done anything for left me more than confused. It wasn’t my fault what happened to me did so why was I being punished. I lost trust in people and it changed the way I treated people. This was probably one of the lowest periods in my life with motivation to keep things going. It led to social anxiety and pushed me into a depressive state of mind. I found difficulty in keeping my head above water.
4.) Loss
There are different types of loss, I’ve lost people close to me through suicide and I’ve lost people that have just walked away from my life.
People walking out of your life is hard to accept, it took me to the dark places I shared with the rejection.
Suicide is difficult to come to terms with, I found with it an emptiness that cannot be refilled. People who are in our lives are irreplaceable. It was overwhelming to think that I would have to live without some of my friends around me, making memories without them, experiencing life without them. It’s a kind of pain you will never face unless you have lost someone close. The kind of pain I couldn’t just drink away, it sat with me, followed me everywhere I went.
These experiences were mostly out of my hands but all pathed the way for alcoholism.
With each experience alcohol took a tighter grip. It started with a few beers in the evening, to a crate, it then moved on from beer and started with the vodka, whiskey or gin, until eventually I was drinking nearly a litre on a daily basis. It controlled me.
I destroyed pretty much all relationships, I tore holes in my family. I rejected any help or support and pressed the ‘fuck it, self-destruct button’. Truth is, nobody could help me, alcohol was my answer to everything, and it was my comfort blanket, it was the only consistent thing over the course of 5 years of destruction. I couldn’t admit that the one thing keeping me alive was my downfall.
I found my rock bottom at 22, I couldn’t escape anymore, and I was backed into a corner. I couldn’t run. I couldn’t continue the way I was living. Problem was, I didn’t want to live without alcohol either. My entire adult life until this point had alcohol in. It was the centrepiece to every memory. It was comfort blanket for so long I couldn’t bear the thought of it being taken away from me.
To me, taking alcohol away was more scary than dying. I formulated a plan with months of preparation where I planned on taking my own life. I did this by knowingly making actions and decisions that would leave me with no other option. What little hope I had was gone. It wasn’t the first time I had tried to end it either, I had history with several attempts on my life by this point but this time I was ready. I wanted to die. I accepted it was my time.
I lived. The disappointment of waking up the following morning was sorrowful. I wanted only one outcome from this and now had 2 options once more; I could continue drinking to try and wait try again or I could get help.
This is when miracles can happen, I was given a lifeline. My alcohol councillor gave me an opportunity to attend rehab with ‘Action on Addiction’. Naturally I was apprehensive at first, in my head I didn’t know if I was ready to give up with the alcohol. It was my longest lasting relationship, I didn’t know if I could be fun without it, whether I would like life without it. I made every excuse in my head not to go, to put myself off but remained head strong.
The rehab course gave me time to think and reflect, time to get out of the toxic routine and give myself a chance. I learnt more about myself in that 2 month period than I did in the 5 years of drinking. I didn’t realise how broken I was inside, how high I had built my walls and how much destruction I had caused. I didn’t realise how desperate my life had become. Recovery is a tough road. I had to face the years of emotion neglect to myself and feel raw emotions with no supplements, no blocking out. It was at times unbearable.
Rehab gave me the tools I needed to get through a day without drinking. Tools I needed to face my own demons and let go of the past. I have been given a second chance through the help of the Action on Addiction team and the support of my family, friends and girlfriend.
I’m fortunate that they stuck it out and have been with me every step of the way. Even when I didn’t deserve them. They have been the anchors in my recovery.
A year on from attending the rehab centre and I have my life back. I am still rebuilding the mess I made over the course of the years drinking but I can say I have experienced true happiness. I have achieved a lot in the first year sober. I have started to make a new path to a greater life.
Admitting you have a problem whether that be with addiction, mental health or something else, is the first step. If anyone is struggling, I ask you speak out.
If you want help or just need someone to talk to then get in touch, I’m here support you as I have been supported. It only take for a few people to believe to make it possible.
Organizer
Charles Provan
Organizer
Action on Addiction
Registered nonprofit
Donations eligible for Gift Aid.
