Good morning sunshine! how's it going? Me again. Me again on STEROIDS! SO FUN!

So I still have the metastatic breast cancer. I've been asked a lot of questions about stage five. Stage four is the terminal one. Terminal means treatable and not curable. Metastatic means it has spread to other parts of the body.

On 1/20 I had a seizure while on my morning walk and was left to die on the banks of the LA river and I was like hell mother fucking no. Not today Satan. So I put my will to live into full gear. Prayed that a stranger would walk by and call 911 and eventually that happened. At first I thought I was having a stroke so I was like HOLY FUCK MAN please hurry up with your sausage dog walk. Then he saw me writhing around on the ground and stared at me. I couldn't talk. So I was shouting sounds. I tried to give my passcode because that's all he wanted. Maybe he was gonna steal my phone? But FINALLY he's like maybe I'll call 911. You think, dumb shit? Jesus christ. Hot firefighters came, put me in the ambulance. Kept their shirts on unfortunately and then I went to Sherman Oaks Hospital (it's where all the Karadashians go - it's so fancy) and they told me well your cancer has spread to your brain. But I already knew that becuase I felt like something was off. And why else would I have a seizuer? So I think my French brain marshmallows/mets are here to remind me I still have a lot of healing to do and a lot of learning about listening to my intuition, being brave and getting back to my true authentic self. AND A LOT OF LETTING GO. So....more therapy and gratitude and I gotta lot of work to do. And I'm excited about it. I want to be free and be at peace. I want to surrender.

And the steroids talking here, but just a heads up, you can't fight cancer. That doesn't make any sense. So please don't ever say somebody is fighting cancer. It's rude and offensive. Your cancer has shown up for a reason. Love it and figure it out.

Also,  please refrain from calling people sick when they have cancer. You're sick when you have the fucking flu. When you have cancer, you have fucking cancer. Pisses me off. Feels good to get that off my chest which is what this healing journey is ALL about! Again, I think this is the steroids. Or maybe it just feels good to get this off of my chest. FINALLY!

So for ME in particular my cancer is telling me I have much more surrendering to do and much more healing. The past trauma that got me here needs to be further dealt with. There's a lot of not feeling loved and or safe. It's part of my healing to move through this and set myself free.

So what the fuck am I doing another gofundme for? Basically I need a lot of help with daily tasks, like laundry, food delivery as a treat because I can only eat salmon and squash for so many days in a row, errands, rides to and from appointments. MONEY because my Dad is here and so now there's 2 of us to support. I need good humans to help me. This is what I'm asking for.

WHAT I NEED HELP WITH: driving to and from appointments over the hill daily, uber/lyft credit, Uber food delivery 3x a week would be amazing, rides to errands, Reiki and reflexology, all healing modalities. I have a reiki person, Shannon, who has agreed to come to my apartment. I love her. I pay her via Venmo. My Venmo is @restlessrebecca. 

Also if Zelle is better for you my Zelle is my under phone number. 

My dad flew down to spend time with me because I hadn't seen him in a while, and we were gonna reconnect and talk about the past and let go of some shit and then I had a brain seizure and he stayed in the hospital with me for about a week until he got the flu and then I had to get him a hotel and he will be in that hotel until Saturday, which is I think February 1. We don't have money to keep him in there any longer. I Ain't got no room left in the 3 credit cards and the 401(k) loan is gone. He does not have any money himself. Quite literally. Because he's had the flu, he doesn't know how much he will be able to help me when he gets out. I understand because he is 75 and slowing down a bit. He wants to help. But we know how much he can help. He's the only person in my family constellation that is willing to help. And willing to take a month or two away from his home life to come help me through the side effects. I am already feeling the fatigue, sleep is fucked, whole body is confused. SSo I need his help. He will be driving Miss Daisy around in Fiona when possible. Bless his heart. So we have to try and make it work with as little stress as possible. He will be staying here at the foot of my bed. Lots to figure out and I just hope to fuck he is feeling well enough to rest up a bit more and then jump in. Hopefully he'll be here through the end of February and maybe the beginning of March because I have a feeling the fatigue is gonna kick my ass. I will need lots of help.

So if you are willing to help me with any of these immediate needs, please Venmo, Zelle or donate. No gift is too small. 

If you perhaps you're reading this and can't find any compassion or you have different priorities, that's OK too.  I wish you the best and I hope that you have made better financial decisions and in your times of need the universe will provide. May the force be with you all. 

I am keeping the faith, I'm knackered. But believe it or not, I'm grateful. Grateful for the people that love me and appreciate me and care deeply. Because I know it's gonna work itself out. Somehow. Real genuine Support is showing up and community is  showing up and I am grateful for all of it. I got a care package from Australia yesterday that brought me so much joy. Thank you, Jen and family! I love you. Big hugs. 

And im using all my resources. I'm not just begging here.  I'm begging on every support organization I can find. Sometimes all you gotta do is ask. That's what I'm doing. My social worker at Cedars is helping me find resources. so is Nancy's list. I just found out about Nancy through Living Beauty and she's amazing.

So help if you feel inclined and I'll be here resting, trying to get my body function correctly, taking it day by day, releasing trauma and attitudes that no longer serve me and living in gratitude and love.

Life is really fucking hard for a lot of people and trust me I cry everyday at the lack of humanity I see on my feeds. But all I can do is be a good human, try and help others how ever I can, be active in my community, tell it like it is, release the resentment, have healthy supportive relationships and keep the faith that we're gonna get through this as HUMAN BEINGS. AND ASK FOR HELP.

Footnote:

I'm pre-diabetic. My A1C is 6.1

The steroids I'm on for brain swelling cause increased glucose so I am on metformin and other things to keep my blood sugar in control. Gotta eat healthy. And that's often not cheap or available. Like first of all there's no organic food this side of the hill. The people are vegan. Please make it stop. But with Uber Eats I'm hoping I can find some food that's organic and healthy like Urth Cafe, Parakeet Cafe or Joans on 3rd that will deliver? Any suggestions? 

And what IS the valley? Where's PTA so I can ask him to tell me about the good points of the valley. Why is there good food in Beverly Hills like parakeet cafe and urth and Tu Madre but then you go over the hill and it's crap. Oh my god, have you been to Tu Madre? So good. 

Also, thank you for your love and support on my last GoFundMe. That was able to help me so much healing and refuge. I was able to get a few things of comfort and to get additional therapy that I desperately need that was not covered by insurance. Free Luigi.

If you're curious....I used my 401(k) loan to travel last year and it was the most epic year of my life. My oncologist encouraged me. I am so grateful I to go to so many new places and have so many new experiences. It was the most magical time. The most magical. I am so grateful. And since I love traveling my numbers did come down a LOT but sometimes when your body is doing OK, the cancer moves to your brain as a refuge and that's what happened to me. So now I gotta deal with my angry French brain marshmallows. I love you marshmallows. We will sort you out. I think they're scared. I don't think the feel safe. And I think they need love. So once they're feeling safe and loved,I'm letting them know that they're OK. And they can leave and go on to their next journey whatever that may be.

Ok so on that note, I'll stop talking. I feel very very lucky to have an AMAZING team at Cedars. I love them all. I am grateful for this experience and I am grateful for every fucking day. And of course I'm grateful for the TCM channel. Thank you, Carol! I love you so much! 

Find the joy and the gratitude in the little things. Find the hilarity. Don't take any of this too seriously. You are loved. And it's OK to stop talking to any people who don't deserve you. Fuck them. Delete. You got this :) keep the faith.