I met a man who made me laugh, he was in a bad place, his life had been hard, ever so gently, I gave him my heart, he stood there in front of me and tore it apart.

Hiyaaa My name is Chloe I've been struggling my whole life with ADHD and chronic anxiety, . Home life as child wasn't easy, my brother had leukemia and although my parents tried their best, the air was always filled with tension. Later he became ill again and lived like a man who didn't care about tomorrow.

Police, drug dealers and secrets. I promised myself I would never put my parents through that. And there's was my mum just trying to drag us through life by the skin of her teeth working full time, having cried the whole night before. I later developed a movement disorder. It a really crap one that no one can see (ive managed to contain it in my mouth) the doctors are at a loss. I have been in fight or flight since the day I was born. Chaos is my normal, it not right and it needs addressing.

I've made some bad decisions, with men. Those kind of people, the ones that hurt you. They are like sharks, I have a sign on my back that says 'VICTIM, LOW SELF ESTEEM, DOES NOT LEARN LESSON'.

I was with a man for 10 years, my 20's. On our 10 year anniversary I was gifted the news he had impregnated a 20 year old. I think that might have been the only gift I ever got. I took it hard, I'm sensitive, overly maybe, definitely, I will always get back up but I fall down hard and loudly. My mental and physical health declined alot after this I couldn't function, my mask was slipping at work. The doctors were still at a loss. My mum carried me again, made my bed washed my clothes, guided me through the forest by the hand. As a last resort I went to Asia and while I was paddle boarding and doing yoga at sunset mum cared for her own dying mum. One bout of sadness replaced by another, she helped me and I left her alone in her pain.

The last partner I had made me laugh, this is a depressing post because it's a depressing subject. But I love to laugh, it's actually the only thing that matters to me. He had big sad brown eyes and I forgot everyone else in the world. Then he started cheating, he baited me. Belittled me, isolated me, beat me, christ so many, so public and creative, he once squirted a whole fire extinguisher into my face then hit me round the head with it. I have never experienced calm, like I said chaos is my home, but very rarely have I truly feared for my life and the worst part is that no one believed me, my brother was convinced I had a personality disorder, this man was a master manipulator, narcissist ist enough, I think Psychopath . By this point im alone in thailand, the r*ping with things that make me bleed start. Every thing I own thrown away again and again. My overdraft is getting bigger. My parents have stopped sleeping waiting to hear that he's finished me. Then one day he went to far. He had taken everything again. Spent it all again. My feet were bleeding and so infected. No money, no phone, no passport. The embassy, the flight, my mum. Strong, all the answers. Comfort. Funny. My mum.

I appreciate it until chaos calls, having not been in the country, I'm not eligible for many of the benefits I should be. I'm not able to live. The debts are getting bigger and I just think one more thing and my head will explode. Im drinking and i'm making myself a victim. I'm my brother. The problem. All the while i'm longing to be with my abuser. My one man cult. I knew i had low self esteem but I thought I was strong willed. The further away it got the more incredible it was to me, the knives, the handcuffs the airtags, the debt. Holy shit what just happened. What have I put my parents through. So I go to bed. For months. I can't cause trouble in my bed. I wasted so much time.

I'm a fool, not anymore, i swear. I will turn this around. I'll find a way, I'm not my brother. I love hard and care deeply. No more worry, then the phone rings and she tells me. 'They think I've got cancer' I dont believe it. She doesnt drink, smoke, she's the healthiest 64 year old i know, full of energy. And then a scan and it's confirmed, and another and there's alot. I can't believe I'm writing this without tears. It's because I have a mission.

One day in the distant past, before the Man, I went on a Safari and I kept thinking, this is the best thing I have ever done and I think i will ever do. I kept thinking about my mum. My beautiful Mum who has fought so hard to keep us laughing and succeeded alot. This is where we need to go together, just stare for hours, laughing. No drama. Just beauty, love and memories.

I have been given a some medication that controls my tics somewhat, my adhd is being treated, so my pain is more manageable which takes some stress awsy . But I still feel like that 15 year old girl who's high-school sweet fractured her jaw on prom night. I dont know how to make decisions, they are never right. Im not ready for her to go. I'm a problem. If she leaves this world thinking that I didn't love her enough or appreciate her, it will be so devastating. I'm not ready she's not ready.

But if she does, she'll go calmly with dignity because she wouldnt go any other way and I'll hear her voice in my head telling me the which fork to take in the road.

Sorry this is so long, i obviously need a therapy session, nearly done. Now was her time, she waited so long and loved so much. I feel like I'm constantly holding my breath, if the damage that man had done to my finances could be lifted (the wasted time is something I'll always live with) I stand by my mum, I want to breath easy. I want to pay attention to every word she says. Soak it all in. And as we walk up the steps of the plane on our way to her Safari and she moans about how they have stopped prescribing diazepam for flights. I want to look at her in the eyes and say 'you should have developed a tic that made your tongue wiggle'.