Buy Chris Whitty His Own Next Slide Please Clicker

One of the biggest embarrassments for the United Kingdom during the Covid-19 pandemic has been the fact that our Chief Medical Officer Professor Chris Whitty has been forced to ask someone else to move his slides on for him. This is why I am raising money to send him one of those little Bluetooth clicky things you get on Amazon.

With his own means of advancing PowerPoints in place, I can foresee the following benefits for both Professor Whitty and the UK government as a whole:

- Professor Whitty would be able to 'take back control' of his own press briefings.
- Each press briefing would be approximately one minute shorter, bearing in mind that it takes roughly three seconds to say 'next slide please' and wait for the action to occur, and the average number of transitions per Coronavirus briefing currently stands at 20. This could even allow for one more question from a member of the press, or roughly a quarter of a question from Robert Peston.
- The civil servant who is currently in charge of slide transitions could be deployed for more important tasks, or even sent to work remotely, further reducing the risk of Coronavirus spreading in Downing Street and Whitehall.
- Professor Whitty could be allowed to take the clicker home with him and deploy to other professional and personal areas of his life. When he isn't advancing slides, it could easily be configured to advance tracks in a Spotify playlist or control a Nespresso machine if he has the appropriate home automation equipment in place already, which to be fair he probably has if he is the Chief Medical Officer as they are usually worth a few bob.
- Once the pandemic is over, the UK government will be capitalise on the notoriety of the clicker and use it to create a London-based tourist attraction in its own right, similar to the way that the Crown Jewels are currently displayed. This would not only stimulate the capital's economy due to the number of visitors who would then go on to visit other famous sites, but it would also provide much needed employment - the security detail alone would probably run into at least twenty full-time posts per year including management. After a suitable period of time, it could also be taken on a tour of the United Kingdom to achieve similar benefits under the government's current agenda of 'levelling up' the regions.

In the event that this appeal raises enough to purchase a half-decent clicker, any amount on top will be used to provide IT equipment to disadvantaged children in Essex. This would be achieved by working with an existing network of organisations who would be able to quickly identify families who are in need of extra help as it now looks likely that there will be an extended period of remote learning.

UPDATE: As I have now raised more than £4.99, I am pleased to confirm that I will be using any additional funds to purchase basic IT equipment for disadvantaged children in Essex - this is even more vital now seeing that this latest lockdown could stretch to February half-term and beyond! A significant number of children could be 'left behind' if they do not have the facility to undertake remote learning at home, so please continue to give generously and I will shortly approach an organisation representing the interests of food banks and community organisations across Essex to see how these funds would be best spent. It could be a little, or it could be a lot, so please share as much as you can! Thank you.

UPDATE 2: To make sure that the donated cash helps as many children as possible, I am delighted to confirm that all donations are being sent to East Essex Hackspace who are based in Hawkwell, Essex. They are working flat out in the community to collect unwanted laptops from local homes and businesses and then refurbish and renew them - this includes wiping the hard drives and replacing faulty components if needed which is why this fundraising is so important. You can find out more about what they are doing on their Facebook group here.

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Simon Harris

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