I know I hate it, and so when my son came home with one of these dumbass fundraisers I decided to take a stand! His school wants to raise $500 for a chicken coop so that, along with the vegetable garden they already have, they can learn about sustainable agriculture and how to provide their own food. His/her own food? Ya'll's own food? I don't know, I failed English twice.
A "tortilla warmer" for 18 $^*&# dollars!!! Do you know what the difference is between this and just sticking your tortillas in the microwave? $18, that's what!
So what stand am I taking, exactly? Here it is: you give me $5. That's it. You give me $5, I stop bugging you about fundraisers, everyone is happy. I don't have to drag my kid all over the neighborhood trying to sell you an avocado peeler for $12 (a real item in this catalog) and you don't have to give me money for an item destined to spend eternity in the junk drawer in your kitchen, never being used or enjoyed. The school gets 100% of your money, instead of the 40% they get when you buy something from this catalog.
You aren't resentful because I sold you this albatross, I'm not resentful that I have to go talk to a bunch of strangers and try to convince them they need a "gourmet melon baller," and the school gets their chicken coop. Everyone wins.
Would you like to buy a tool specifically made for slicing watermelons? Of course not, you aren't an idiot. And even if you did want one of these ridiculous things, you certainly wouldn't pay $14 for it.
So just give me $5. That's all I ask. For the love of all that is pure and holy do not make me drag my small child all over creation trying to sell $1250 worth of this junk just so his school can have a $500 chicken coop. I'm begging you. I don't even like most of my neighbors, and the ones I don't actively dislike I haven't even met, even though we've lived here for years. You want me to go introduce myself to people that I’ve lived next to for years by asking them to buy something for $23 that they can get at Wal-Mart for $5? And the worst part is that I have to bring my son with me, and when he gets grumpy he throws things at me. Food, rocks, dead animals, whatever he can find on the ground basically. Learning how to take care of a living creature, like a chicken, might actually mellow him out a bit, because if it doesn't my next GoFundMe is going to be for a childhood therapist because right now I'm bleeding from the temple because I poured his juice into the green cup and he wanted the blue cup.
This is an egg bite mold that costs $18. You can literally get the exact same thing on Amazon for $11.88. So you can get an egg mold and STILL have an extra $6.12 to donate to a chicken coop. Please, give me $5. I swear I'm going to give it to the school, I just really, really, REALLY don't want to have to go sell stuff to strangers.
I'm begging you, on my hands and knees, for the love of all that is pure and holy I need this. Just one win this year for Mr. T. I will do whatever you want, just please give me a lousy $5. For the cost of a cup of coffee, or a particularly extravagant bagel, you can save me from this. I am a math teacher and so I can tell you with 90% certainty that if 100 people give me $5 that we will have approximately $500 and then I can throw away this God-forsaken catalog instead of praying daily for a comet to crash into my house and bring me sweet release from this G.D. fundraiser.
Pictured: the cover of the catalog, AKA if the antichrist was a stapled packet of paper.