Bringing home Baby Barrett
Donation protected
As many of you know, Charlie and I have struggled for many years trying to grow our little family!
Charlie and I met in 2010 and married in 2011. Charlie's compassionate heart and selflessness are what made me fall in love with him. He has an amazing passion for life and he is an amazing man of Christ! I want to praise the compassion and love this man has for me. He has stuck through this difficult journey with a smile on his face and always praising God. Through all of my surgeries, procedures, needle sticks, shots, and doctors appointments he's been right there to hold my hand! He has literally wiped my own butt because I couldn't....now that is love.
Most couples envision their first several years of marriage traveling, getting to know one another and perfecting their new home. Charlie and I have spent the majority of our married years in hospitals, putting thousands of miles on cars to drive to Atlanta 5 sometimes 7, YES 7, days a week for doctors appointments, cycle monitoring, new consultations and referrals, praying loan approvals come through and nickel and diming every penny just to pay for the next round of treatments, injecting me with thousands and thousands of dollars in medications, ultrasounds, calling 10 different pharmacy's in one day to see which is the cheapest, lots and lots of tears and the list goes on and on and on.
However, not all has been bad. And even through the bad we still try to see the good. Through all these unfortunate circumstances we have still each other. There's been countless nights I can remember laying in bed crying myself to sleep and praying the same prayer every night "God please just make me a mom. I want to be a mom more than anything in this world. I want a sweet child to love. God I know your timing is perfect." These nights I can remember Charlie coming up stairs and laying beside me in bed. It would be dark, so he couldn't see I was crying. But he could hear the sniffles and feel my pillow was wet from tears. In those moments he would always hold me, grab my hand and just start praying. It's in those moments of complete brokenness I knew God was writing our amazing story. I knew God was perfecting His perfect plan. And I knew God knew what He was doing when He put this extraordinary man in my life! Charlie is my peanut to my butter and the whole other half to my heart!
When people tell you that infertility is tough on a marriage and results in a high divorce rate, you ask why? But infertility brings you to a place of complete rawness and vulnerability. It breaks you down to the weakest form of yourself. The inadequacy I have felt as a woman who can't conceive is unexplainable! And the helplessness Charlie feels because he can't take that inadequacy away will test your marriage to the core! You find yourself never having a conversation outside of when the next doctor appointment is, or how much my next set of shots will cost, or when my next surgery is and how can we afford for me to be out of work again, or when Charlie needs to be at the doctor (bc yes the men have to go....a few times), or when my next labs are....and so on and so on. These aren't things you fathom dealing with in the first five years. But despite these hardships I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am grateful for it.
It's not been easy, it's still not easy! But the strength we have gained in our marriage is immeasurable. We have an unbreakable bond. We have certainly had our fair share of laughs through this all as well! These are the stories we want to share with our children on what makes a strong marriage and why we love each other so much. It's not the fancy vacations, big house, nice cars, social status...it's the true moments of pure rawness, vulnerability and honesty that strengthen a marriage!
So.....Here is our story....
Charlie and I had just gotten married and started "the kid talk" in August 2011. We decided to stop trying to "prevent" having a baby and see what happened. We felt like God would sort out the details, we didn't need to! So about 6 months into things I went to my doctor concerned about that fact that we still hadn't conceived yet. He did some labs and then put me on some clomid for a few months just to help things along. 6 months later, still nothing! So we were back at the doctor looking for answers.
At this point in time my doctor started waiving around the idea of endometriosis since I had a strong family history of it. I told him he was crazy and that I didn't even have symptoms! Well...needless to say I ended up having surgery and it wasn't the news we wanted....
I remember waking up that next morning wishing it was a dream. I thought I remembered my husband telling me I had endometriosis, but I kept hoping it was all the drugs! Unfortunately, we received a call from my surgeon that day to further discuss his findings. It was detrimental! Not only did I have endometriosis, it was everywhere and he wasn't able to get it all. It had spread to by bowels, bladder, and ovary.
6 months later I went in for another surgery to remove the rest of the endometriosis, however I had little relief from the pain I was finally starting to feel from the Endo.
After my second surgery we did several more rounds of clomid and IUI ( intrauterine insemination). These were all unsuccessful.
In July of 2014 we finally took the big leap and saw an infertility specialist in Atlanta. He told us that he saw endometriosis patients every day and statistically we had nearly an 80% chance of conception through IVF. I remember leaving the office that day on a complete high. We finally had hope! After a few months of getting things together financially, setting up appointments, procedures, and testing we were finally to the egg retrieval step of the process. I had tons of eggs, they looked great and they fertilized!
It was a great start and we felt even more hopeful at this stage!
The doctor suggested that we freeze all the eggs and embryos and wait for my body to recover from all the hormones for about a month, so we did.
In October of 2014 we transferred two perfectly healthy embryos into my perfectly healthy uterus! We had nothing but hope at this point. All the stars were lining up and we already had our due date calculated.
I'll never forget it....it was a cool, fall day in October when my phone rang. It was the doctor, the news we had waited so many YEARS to hear. When I answered, I knew by the tone in his voice it wasn't good news...I wasn't pregnant. I don't remember much that day, whether I dropped the phone or hung up, all I remember was Charlie, his face and those big alligator tears rolling down his cheeks. I hadn't really seen Charlie cry up to this point in our marriage. I didn't know if I was crying more because I was so sad or because I was seeing his heart hurt the way it did that day.
After some months of healing, suppressant drugs for my Endo, surgery to remove some polyps and saving another chunk of money for round 2, were ready to go!
Round 2 started that February of 2015 and went off without a hitch as well. 2 perfect embryos and all the stars lined up once again! I spent the following days laid up on the couch waiting for those two little babies to snuggle in their new home.
It was a Friday evening about 8 days after the embryo transfer and I thought "I'm gonna just take a test, no, no I'm not". I was fighting the inner battle with myself on whether or not to let myself down again before the blood test. So I did it, I peed on a stick! I remember pulling my pants up and looking at the counter and my heart started racing....."that's a line....oh my gosh I think there's a line there!"
By the time I ran up the stairs screaming for Charlie the line had darkened. He was taking a shower and I yelled at him to "look at this!"
He looked at me very inquisitively and said "what's that?"
"I said a pregnancy test and its positive!!!"
From that Friday to Sunday night I had taken 15 test....all which were positive. You would think I would have stopped by the 5th one! We had waited for this feeling for so many years and we were over the moon! We had to tell everyone right away! We made a t-shirt for my niece to wear to tell my parents and we got Charlie's parents cute grandparents cups! These were two moments I had waited for my whole life, to tell our parents we were making them grandparents!! There were a lot of screams, laughs, tears and excitement over that weekend!
On Monday morning we got the call that my labs looked excellent! We continued to go to the doctor every other day....yes EVERY OTHER! IVF is intense and they monitor you very strictly during the first trimester!
Then one day after one of our appointments, we got the call that my Hcg levels weren't rising as quickly as they like, but it was ok and they would just keep monitoring it. I remember having that feeling in the pit of my stomach for days just knowing something was off. It was like I was already mourning the loss of our babies before I even had confirmation.
That following Monday they called and my levels had dropped to 41, and my greatest nightmare came to life that very day. I remember crying so I hard I couldn't breath. And once again, those big tears rolling down out of Charlie's beautiful green eyes just shattered my heart! I don't remember much about that day either, but I do remember laying in the floor holding one another and crying for hours.
I've been through a lot in life but I have to say that was hands down one of the most devastating and difficult times in my life and in our marriage. To go from a complete sense of joy and accomplishment to total devastation.
I struggled to get out of bed every day much less work, eat, or socialize with anyone on this earth! I knew that God was the only one who could heal our hearts with time.
It took Charlie and I a year to even consider IVF again. We didn't want it to seem as if we had "forgotten" our two little ones we lost. During that year my endometriosis went haywire! All the hormones made it grow like wildfire and I was in misery.
I researched doctors across the world who specialized in endometriosis during this time.
By the grace of God I found a surgeon in Atlanta who was the top 10 in the WORLD for endometriosis.
After consulting with him we decided I would go under the knife once again.
So on January 28, 2016 I had my 3rd surgery for endometriosis.
I had heard wonderful things about this man but we were blown away the morning of surgery. He took both our hands, held them and prayed over us before surgery. All I remember doing is crying the whole time thanking God I had found this amazing man of God! I was in surgery nearly 6 hours. Within 30 minutes of the operation the surgeon called Charlie to notify him of the severity and get Charlie's permission to remove things.
Once again, waking up in the hospital bed was what I was hoping was the beginning of a nightmare, but it was reality.
I remember hearing my family talking about my bowels and ovary and Fallopian tubes and thinking maybe it was the anesthsia.
Unfortunately, the next day the surgeon stopped by my hospital room and told me all what he took out. I lost a good portion of my small bowels, cecum, appendix, sigmoid colon, left Fallopian tube and ovary, my entire bladder was entrapped and both ureters were covered in endometriosis. I had 18 different procedures done during that one operation. My surgeon said he probably saw less than 25 cases a year where it had spread like mine to the bowels....and welp I was one of the not so lucky winners! It was in that very moment I remember crying and telling myself "I'll never have my own biological children".
Those days in the hospital were some pivotal moments in our journey to have a baby. During those days we did a lot of praying. Not only were they physically hard from such a painful recovery but they were even emotionally harder. I think that was the first time in the 5 years I realized how sick I was and what this meant for our future. Charlie didn't leave my side. He bathed me every morning because I didn't want the nurses to do it, he helped with my catheter, my dressings, he fed me (clear liquids for weeks), he took me to the bathroom and held me up because I couldn't walk or even get off the toilet by myself. Walking down the hall one time was a feat in itself and I would sleep for hours afterwards. I can remember waking up sometimes and Charlie would just be laying on the side of the bed with me just so he could hold me. I think we silently both knew how devastated we both were but we were just speechless....
My Endo had literally eaten my insides and I was angry! I questioned God and why He chose me to have this terrible disease and why I had to hurt so bad every day all day. It interfered with my job, exercising, going out with friends, intimacy and my ability to conceive. But that anger faded, the pain faded and I learned to embrace it & be happy I was finally healthy again!
After 4 days in the hospital I was finally released and didn't return to work until April. A tough recovery is an understatement.
After a lot of discussion Charlie and I decided to use our last 1 embryo and 4 eggs for one last shot at IVF.
We thawed the last embryo and fertilized the last 4 eggs. Out of all 5, only 2 survived. Once again, they transferred to perfect embryos to my perfect uterus. Unfortunately, it was unsuccessful as well. Still to this day the fertility specialists and embryologists haven't been able to come up with a definitive reason as to why I couldn't maintain a pregnancy!
Although the IVF was unsuccessful we still see the good in all things! I am practically pain free from my last surgery! That surgeon gave me my quality of life back again! Therefore, giving me the opportunity to give nothing but 100% to our future children!
Since then, we have been fervently praying and seeking the Lords guidance and answers about what to do next!
We've talked about adoption over the last 5 years but we've never felt convicted that it was the right thing in that moment. We knew we weren't against it but during that time we still felt very strongly about having our own "biological" children.
There's been moments through the years when I know God has been speaking to me about adoption and I chose to ignore those tiny whispers because it wasn't what WE wanted......
It's amazing how God shines through in the most perfect moments in life and shows us EXACTLY what to do. God has clearly spoken to us NOW and we have no doubt this is the path for us! We don't care where our perfect little bundle of joy comes from, we will love it no matter what. We are so strongly convicted on this we wonder why we even bothered wasting money on IVF all those years. God has a way of pushing us out of our comfort zones into what He wants for our lives. These circumstances push us to love others and give selflessly.
Although we don't know the specific child God has picked for us, He does, and we are totally in love with he/she already!
It's no secret that adoption is a roller coaster of emotions and not to mention...expenses! We have went through our fair share of emotions and dollar bills in the last five years! Charlie and I are asking if anyone feels led to help us out on our journey to bring our sweet baby Barrett home, to please donate here!
We want to thank each and every person who has supported us in the last 5 years! We couldn't have done it without the support, love and prayers of everyone! We have incredibly supportive parents, siblings, friends, church family and co-workers!! We are eternally grateful!
We are so excited to meet our little one and eventually hear those words "mommy & daddy"!
Thank you for your donations!
1 Samuel 1:27
"For this child, I have prayed"
Charlie and I met in 2010 and married in 2011. Charlie's compassionate heart and selflessness are what made me fall in love with him. He has an amazing passion for life and he is an amazing man of Christ! I want to praise the compassion and love this man has for me. He has stuck through this difficult journey with a smile on his face and always praising God. Through all of my surgeries, procedures, needle sticks, shots, and doctors appointments he's been right there to hold my hand! He has literally wiped my own butt because I couldn't....now that is love.
Most couples envision their first several years of marriage traveling, getting to know one another and perfecting their new home. Charlie and I have spent the majority of our married years in hospitals, putting thousands of miles on cars to drive to Atlanta 5 sometimes 7, YES 7, days a week for doctors appointments, cycle monitoring, new consultations and referrals, praying loan approvals come through and nickel and diming every penny just to pay for the next round of treatments, injecting me with thousands and thousands of dollars in medications, ultrasounds, calling 10 different pharmacy's in one day to see which is the cheapest, lots and lots of tears and the list goes on and on and on.
However, not all has been bad. And even through the bad we still try to see the good. Through all these unfortunate circumstances we have still each other. There's been countless nights I can remember laying in bed crying myself to sleep and praying the same prayer every night "God please just make me a mom. I want to be a mom more than anything in this world. I want a sweet child to love. God I know your timing is perfect." These nights I can remember Charlie coming up stairs and laying beside me in bed. It would be dark, so he couldn't see I was crying. But he could hear the sniffles and feel my pillow was wet from tears. In those moments he would always hold me, grab my hand and just start praying. It's in those moments of complete brokenness I knew God was writing our amazing story. I knew God was perfecting His perfect plan. And I knew God knew what He was doing when He put this extraordinary man in my life! Charlie is my peanut to my butter and the whole other half to my heart!
When people tell you that infertility is tough on a marriage and results in a high divorce rate, you ask why? But infertility brings you to a place of complete rawness and vulnerability. It breaks you down to the weakest form of yourself. The inadequacy I have felt as a woman who can't conceive is unexplainable! And the helplessness Charlie feels because he can't take that inadequacy away will test your marriage to the core! You find yourself never having a conversation outside of when the next doctor appointment is, or how much my next set of shots will cost, or when my next surgery is and how can we afford for me to be out of work again, or when Charlie needs to be at the doctor (bc yes the men have to go....a few times), or when my next labs are....and so on and so on. These aren't things you fathom dealing with in the first five years. But despite these hardships I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am grateful for it.
It's not been easy, it's still not easy! But the strength we have gained in our marriage is immeasurable. We have an unbreakable bond. We have certainly had our fair share of laughs through this all as well! These are the stories we want to share with our children on what makes a strong marriage and why we love each other so much. It's not the fancy vacations, big house, nice cars, social status...it's the true moments of pure rawness, vulnerability and honesty that strengthen a marriage!
So.....Here is our story....
Charlie and I had just gotten married and started "the kid talk" in August 2011. We decided to stop trying to "prevent" having a baby and see what happened. We felt like God would sort out the details, we didn't need to! So about 6 months into things I went to my doctor concerned about that fact that we still hadn't conceived yet. He did some labs and then put me on some clomid for a few months just to help things along. 6 months later, still nothing! So we were back at the doctor looking for answers.
At this point in time my doctor started waiving around the idea of endometriosis since I had a strong family history of it. I told him he was crazy and that I didn't even have symptoms! Well...needless to say I ended up having surgery and it wasn't the news we wanted....
I remember waking up that next morning wishing it was a dream. I thought I remembered my husband telling me I had endometriosis, but I kept hoping it was all the drugs! Unfortunately, we received a call from my surgeon that day to further discuss his findings. It was detrimental! Not only did I have endometriosis, it was everywhere and he wasn't able to get it all. It had spread to by bowels, bladder, and ovary.
6 months later I went in for another surgery to remove the rest of the endometriosis, however I had little relief from the pain I was finally starting to feel from the Endo.
After my second surgery we did several more rounds of clomid and IUI ( intrauterine insemination). These were all unsuccessful.
In July of 2014 we finally took the big leap and saw an infertility specialist in Atlanta. He told us that he saw endometriosis patients every day and statistically we had nearly an 80% chance of conception through IVF. I remember leaving the office that day on a complete high. We finally had hope! After a few months of getting things together financially, setting up appointments, procedures, and testing we were finally to the egg retrieval step of the process. I had tons of eggs, they looked great and they fertilized!
It was a great start and we felt even more hopeful at this stage!
The doctor suggested that we freeze all the eggs and embryos and wait for my body to recover from all the hormones for about a month, so we did.
In October of 2014 we transferred two perfectly healthy embryos into my perfectly healthy uterus! We had nothing but hope at this point. All the stars were lining up and we already had our due date calculated.
I'll never forget it....it was a cool, fall day in October when my phone rang. It was the doctor, the news we had waited so many YEARS to hear. When I answered, I knew by the tone in his voice it wasn't good news...I wasn't pregnant. I don't remember much that day, whether I dropped the phone or hung up, all I remember was Charlie, his face and those big alligator tears rolling down his cheeks. I hadn't really seen Charlie cry up to this point in our marriage. I didn't know if I was crying more because I was so sad or because I was seeing his heart hurt the way it did that day.
After some months of healing, suppressant drugs for my Endo, surgery to remove some polyps and saving another chunk of money for round 2, were ready to go!
Round 2 started that February of 2015 and went off without a hitch as well. 2 perfect embryos and all the stars lined up once again! I spent the following days laid up on the couch waiting for those two little babies to snuggle in their new home.
It was a Friday evening about 8 days after the embryo transfer and I thought "I'm gonna just take a test, no, no I'm not". I was fighting the inner battle with myself on whether or not to let myself down again before the blood test. So I did it, I peed on a stick! I remember pulling my pants up and looking at the counter and my heart started racing....."that's a line....oh my gosh I think there's a line there!"
By the time I ran up the stairs screaming for Charlie the line had darkened. He was taking a shower and I yelled at him to "look at this!"
He looked at me very inquisitively and said "what's that?"
"I said a pregnancy test and its positive!!!"
From that Friday to Sunday night I had taken 15 test....all which were positive. You would think I would have stopped by the 5th one! We had waited for this feeling for so many years and we were over the moon! We had to tell everyone right away! We made a t-shirt for my niece to wear to tell my parents and we got Charlie's parents cute grandparents cups! These were two moments I had waited for my whole life, to tell our parents we were making them grandparents!! There were a lot of screams, laughs, tears and excitement over that weekend!
On Monday morning we got the call that my labs looked excellent! We continued to go to the doctor every other day....yes EVERY OTHER! IVF is intense and they monitor you very strictly during the first trimester!
Then one day after one of our appointments, we got the call that my Hcg levels weren't rising as quickly as they like, but it was ok and they would just keep monitoring it. I remember having that feeling in the pit of my stomach for days just knowing something was off. It was like I was already mourning the loss of our babies before I even had confirmation.
That following Monday they called and my levels had dropped to 41, and my greatest nightmare came to life that very day. I remember crying so I hard I couldn't breath. And once again, those big tears rolling down out of Charlie's beautiful green eyes just shattered my heart! I don't remember much about that day either, but I do remember laying in the floor holding one another and crying for hours.
I've been through a lot in life but I have to say that was hands down one of the most devastating and difficult times in my life and in our marriage. To go from a complete sense of joy and accomplishment to total devastation.
I struggled to get out of bed every day much less work, eat, or socialize with anyone on this earth! I knew that God was the only one who could heal our hearts with time.
It took Charlie and I a year to even consider IVF again. We didn't want it to seem as if we had "forgotten" our two little ones we lost. During that year my endometriosis went haywire! All the hormones made it grow like wildfire and I was in misery.
I researched doctors across the world who specialized in endometriosis during this time.
By the grace of God I found a surgeon in Atlanta who was the top 10 in the WORLD for endometriosis.
After consulting with him we decided I would go under the knife once again.
So on January 28, 2016 I had my 3rd surgery for endometriosis.
I had heard wonderful things about this man but we were blown away the morning of surgery. He took both our hands, held them and prayed over us before surgery. All I remember doing is crying the whole time thanking God I had found this amazing man of God! I was in surgery nearly 6 hours. Within 30 minutes of the operation the surgeon called Charlie to notify him of the severity and get Charlie's permission to remove things.
Once again, waking up in the hospital bed was what I was hoping was the beginning of a nightmare, but it was reality.
I remember hearing my family talking about my bowels and ovary and Fallopian tubes and thinking maybe it was the anesthsia.
Unfortunately, the next day the surgeon stopped by my hospital room and told me all what he took out. I lost a good portion of my small bowels, cecum, appendix, sigmoid colon, left Fallopian tube and ovary, my entire bladder was entrapped and both ureters were covered in endometriosis. I had 18 different procedures done during that one operation. My surgeon said he probably saw less than 25 cases a year where it had spread like mine to the bowels....and welp I was one of the not so lucky winners! It was in that very moment I remember crying and telling myself "I'll never have my own biological children".
Those days in the hospital were some pivotal moments in our journey to have a baby. During those days we did a lot of praying. Not only were they physically hard from such a painful recovery but they were even emotionally harder. I think that was the first time in the 5 years I realized how sick I was and what this meant for our future. Charlie didn't leave my side. He bathed me every morning because I didn't want the nurses to do it, he helped with my catheter, my dressings, he fed me (clear liquids for weeks), he took me to the bathroom and held me up because I couldn't walk or even get off the toilet by myself. Walking down the hall one time was a feat in itself and I would sleep for hours afterwards. I can remember waking up sometimes and Charlie would just be laying on the side of the bed with me just so he could hold me. I think we silently both knew how devastated we both were but we were just speechless....
My Endo had literally eaten my insides and I was angry! I questioned God and why He chose me to have this terrible disease and why I had to hurt so bad every day all day. It interfered with my job, exercising, going out with friends, intimacy and my ability to conceive. But that anger faded, the pain faded and I learned to embrace it & be happy I was finally healthy again!
After 4 days in the hospital I was finally released and didn't return to work until April. A tough recovery is an understatement.
After a lot of discussion Charlie and I decided to use our last 1 embryo and 4 eggs for one last shot at IVF.
We thawed the last embryo and fertilized the last 4 eggs. Out of all 5, only 2 survived. Once again, they transferred to perfect embryos to my perfect uterus. Unfortunately, it was unsuccessful as well. Still to this day the fertility specialists and embryologists haven't been able to come up with a definitive reason as to why I couldn't maintain a pregnancy!
Although the IVF was unsuccessful we still see the good in all things! I am practically pain free from my last surgery! That surgeon gave me my quality of life back again! Therefore, giving me the opportunity to give nothing but 100% to our future children!
Since then, we have been fervently praying and seeking the Lords guidance and answers about what to do next!
We've talked about adoption over the last 5 years but we've never felt convicted that it was the right thing in that moment. We knew we weren't against it but during that time we still felt very strongly about having our own "biological" children.
There's been moments through the years when I know God has been speaking to me about adoption and I chose to ignore those tiny whispers because it wasn't what WE wanted......
It's amazing how God shines through in the most perfect moments in life and shows us EXACTLY what to do. God has clearly spoken to us NOW and we have no doubt this is the path for us! We don't care where our perfect little bundle of joy comes from, we will love it no matter what. We are so strongly convicted on this we wonder why we even bothered wasting money on IVF all those years. God has a way of pushing us out of our comfort zones into what He wants for our lives. These circumstances push us to love others and give selflessly.
Although we don't know the specific child God has picked for us, He does, and we are totally in love with he/she already!
It's no secret that adoption is a roller coaster of emotions and not to mention...expenses! We have went through our fair share of emotions and dollar bills in the last five years! Charlie and I are asking if anyone feels led to help us out on our journey to bring our sweet baby Barrett home, to please donate here!
We want to thank each and every person who has supported us in the last 5 years! We couldn't have done it without the support, love and prayers of everyone! We have incredibly supportive parents, siblings, friends, church family and co-workers!! We are eternally grateful!
We are so excited to meet our little one and eventually hear those words "mommy & daddy"!
Thank you for your donations!
1 Samuel 1:27
"For this child, I have prayed"
Organiser
Amber Barrett
Organiser
Cleveland, GA